Of Course I Was Going To Write Something On December 31st

This is gonna be the last post of the year ... Obviously ... jaja. I am not gonna wish anybody a happy new year cuz personally, i don't like doing so. I think it's fake, i think the partying involved for NYD is fake, makes me feel old, depresses me as well, everything is packed, overcrowded, over-loud, obnoxious. Hate it. And let's be honest. How tomorrow will be different from today? Apart from the fact that i won't be working, it's gonna be a normal Friday for me. A normal day in the week.

New Year always come with a bunch of good resolutions that you i give up after a week or so. This year is no exception for me. I have made a list of good resolutions for 2010. Except that there is only ONE on the list this year: i want to be happy. I want to take better care of myself, stop making other people happy and working on MY happiness, maybe being a little selfish for a change.

I read a sentence this morning over breakfast that sums it all up:
"Most people have a harder time letting themselves loved than finding someone to love them".
Maybe it's time that i open my heart a bit, maybe it's time that i let go of my discretion and hop on the "seize the day" train, time that i stop looking for the perfect everything when perfection is not part of this world, time to stop making excuses for not being enjoying life fully. As another person said: "it's not because things are difficult that we dont dare, it's because we dont dare that they are difficult"

Well there you have it, my one and only good resolution for this year to come. This year will be my year, my new begining.

2010 ... HERE I COME!

No Title Is Good Enough

This is a post i wished i'd never write. This is a post i so very wished i'd never get to write. Unfortunately, the dreaded time has come. This is an open letter to someone who i hope, will keep on reading these lines. Someone who i'm sure, will know it's for him i'm writing this, about him i'm talking.

I met you against all odds and against anybody's better judgement, pretty much 2 years ago exactly. It was Christmas, it was cold. I had no idea i was letting someone like you getting into my life as much as you did. After some time apart, we finally got to know eachother better and it was just amazing. There are no word that can describe the connection we had have (sorry can't resign myself in talking with past tense). 

You always said you could read me like an open book and jeez did that piss me off :-) but at the same time, it's one of the things that made our relationship so special. I didnt have to explain stuff endlessly, you just knew it already. You knew about my mood switches, my inner pain, my frustration, my rage, my shallowness and superficiality. You knew from the very begining about my incapacity to go over certain stuff.

You once said that escaping is not the answer, that my happiness, i need to find it inside myself, not on the other side of the world. And you're the one who's leaving now. How ironic.
I'm not asking you to stay, you know i wouldnt do such thing, nor would you stay if i'd ask you anyway. I'm incapable of giving you what you want. I'm a coward. I'm too scared of grabbing the happiness you're offering me, too scared of changes, too scared of the unknown. I dont know what happiness is, means, or feels. I've just come to realized that recently. And everything i have realized about myself lately, i owe it to you.

YOU are the one who opened my eyes about it all, YOU made me put a name on my "mal-estar", YOU made me unsterstand where it was all coming from, YOU wiped my tears and pat me on the back. And i just couldn't let go. I couldnt cuz i was scared. Scared of bumping into something so intense, so strong that it would get the best of me. That there would have been no way back.

I know what my problem is now, and it's thanks to you. I will work  on it from now on, i will do my best to be happy. I truly hope we'll meet again. No i wont give you my address, i dont want you to write me the way you asked all of us for our address. I know you'll find a way to let me know. Again, i know that day will happen eventually. We've been watching enough series on tv to know that most of the time, the bad guys end up losing. Even if you've always kept on hoping that one day, the good ones will lose.

You made me understand that my weakness (or what i considered weakness), may also be my biggest strenght, my power to finally reach happiness. I'm not there yet, but i promise you i'll work on it. You said you'll be there every step of the way. You sure will. I dont think there'll ever be a day that'll pass without me thinking of you, worrying for you and missing you.

You've made a nest in my heart and now hold a very special place in it. Be proud. You're one of a very few.

Hope our paths will meet again.

Good luck.
I miss you already.

  

Mmm??!!

I said it in some previous post, my mom always told me NOT to write or lash out "a capella" or at the highest of the heat. Yet, here i am, Xmas morning, 8:30am, still hasnt slept one bit, not even remotedly close to ... 26 hours up and counting. Everybody else around is dying in a forgetting sleep, i'm not. I'm not drunk. I'm just high. Big time. Had no idea typing could be THAT hard and more particularly THAT SLOW. Ok, i knew about it. It just hadnt happened to me in so long i didnt even remember typing with only one finger and still struggle about it.
Being drunk can have some fun part, been there done that -  a million times. Being high is a whole different story. I'm chewing the crap out of my teeth, like i'm planning on going through at least a couple of pairs of set of teeth in a day, i cant walk, i'm mumbling, i'm thirsty as fuck, like i have cardboard in my mouth, my cheeks are dancing the congo (last time it was my hair) and i have hallucinations ...

I had quite a few awesome gifts this xmas. Happy pills were one of them. This is the best xmas EVER.

Thanks Tim!

  

Culinary Orgasm

As some may know already, i dont like Christmas. I used to enjoy it, not anymore. This year is no exception. So after thinking quite a fair bit about what i'll be doing on Christmas' eve, i've decided to spend it with my friend Tim, especially since he doesnt like Christmas either but also because his close family is on the other side of the country (compared to mine on the other side of the world).

Obviously, being my friend, i have a little something to wrap for him to give him for Christmas. Not that (as he said) we have to wait til it's Christmas to actually give gifts away but that's a good occasion anyway.

So i was a bit surprised when he said a few days ago: i got a little something for you and i'm gonna give it to you now. I'd like to say i convinced him not to, that we'd wait until Christmas but i'm not patient and he said he wouldnt be good anymore if we wait until the 25th.

Not good anymore? Mmm, i got curious. And when he headed to the fridge to get my present, i was even more puzzled.

What he put out of the fridge was the BEST PRESENT EVER: it was a selection of mini french pastries: éclairs au chocolat, tarte au citron, tarte aux fraises, tarte au kiwi, chou à la crème, you name it. It was so unexpected, so considerated, such a personal taylor made "present" i had an orgasm on the spot.

And when 2 days later, i had a full size lemon pie just for myself to enjoy, there went the second round ... So if you allow me, i'll go finish eating it right now ...

Something THIS good should be ILLEGAL ... Or at the very least, PUNISHED BY LAW ...

Indigestion, here i come!!

 

What's Going On?

The only thing i feel like writing like, right this second, is aaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh ... So once more, i'll be using someone else's words ... The only difference with me and that song is that i'm not 25 but 32 and that i dont pray, i just hope.



Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?


And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

This is how I’ve been feeling lately ... in a dead-end ... in every single aspects of my life. Professionally, emotionally, personally. Nothing seems challenging any more. And worse of it all, nothing seems appealing anymore. It feels like I’m dead inside, it feels like I can’t feel love or joy anymore. Everything bores me. Big time.

I’m not where I want to be in life. Even though I don’t really know where I want to be. Is it what I want really or is it what she wants for me? Do I want what she wants for me? Do I want to be the person she wants me to be? Do I want to be miserable the rest of my life trying to please her knowing that nothing seems to please her? Is that really what my happiness is all about? Detaching me from my mom and what she wants of me? Stop doing things thinking about what SHE will think about it? Making her understand that I will not take her emotional blackmail again? Making her understand that whatever she thinks of what I do, whether she likes it or not, whatever I’ve done and whatever I will do, whatever mistakes I make and decisions I take, whatever length or color my hair has, whatever language I speak, whatever country I live in, whoever I date, if I have or don’t have children, whatever breed my dog is, whatever job I have, there is one thing that will never ever change: I will ALWAYS be her one and only daughter.


Maybe it’s time you understand I will never be that perfect-in-every-way daughter you probably dreamed I’d be. Maybe it’s time you let me lead my life the way I want to. Maybe it’s time you accept the person I am. Maybe it’s time you let me go. Maybe it’s time you let me be happy.




Maybe it’s time. It’s time.


   

El Problema

Yep ... I guess THAT is the problem, that is EXACTLY the problem ...





El problema no fue hallarte, el problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es tu ausencia, el problema es que te espero.
El problema no es problema, el problema es que me duele.
El problema no es que mientas, el problema es que te creo.
El problema no es que juegues, el problema es que es conmigo.
Y si me gustaste por ser libre, quién soy yo para cambiarte.
Y si me quedé queriendo solo, cómo hacer para obligarte.
El problema no es quererte, es que tú no sientas lo mismo.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo,
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.
Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Y es que el problema no es cambiarte ...
El problema es que no quiero.

El problema no es que duela, el problema es que me gusta.
El problema no es el daño, el problema son las huellas.
El problema no es lo que haces, el problema es que lo olvido.
El problema no es que digas, el problema es lo que callas.


Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estas tan lejos.
El problema no fue hallarte
El problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es que mientas,
El problema es que te creo.
El problema no es cambiarte,
El problema es que no quiero.
El problema no es quererte,
Es que tú no sientas lo mismo.
El problema no es que juegues,
El problema es que es conmigo.

 
 
 
   

X-mas From Hell

There are a lot of people who dont like christmas and i became one of them. My grand-father dying on christmas eve, my family living 10 thousand kilometers away from here, me being single and without kids surely helped pushing me in that direction. Christmas is a family reunion and mine is on the other side of the world. Christmas is also a religious gathering and i'm not religious. So needless to say that december is NOT my favorite month ...
The only think i do like about december is the christmas bonus i get from work ... haha.

I know it's not christmas yet. Still have just under 3 weeks to go. 19 days to be exact. 19 days full of christmas carols, christmas shopping, christmas decorations, christmas menus, christmas trees, christmas colors, christmas reindeer horns for the car, christmas fireworks, christmas candies, christmas sales, christmas parties and i already have a christmas indigestion.

Tonight is our christmas party. I said "our" cause i work for this company. I personally didnt organize it nor would want to have anything to do with it either. We received the invitation a few weeks ago. I can invite one guest. Mmm. There is only one person i'd invite to such a party it's my friend Ivonne and she's in Mexico City at her best friend's weddings for the week-end. So i would end up going alone. Going alone to a party i didnt want to go to in the first place, a party i have no idea who i'd sat with, a party where everybody around would talk about work, a party where we'd only have beer to drink (and not enough servings per person), a party where they serve the same menu year after year, a party held outside when i'm still not through a pneumonia, a party with people i dont want to be around, a party that's gonna finish at midnight, a party on a sunday to make sure that there is nowhere else to go in the aftermath, a party held just to shut people up (when we're not even legally paid double on bank holidays), a party to celebrate the company's 15th anniversary (treating employees like numbers), a party i'll have to smile through pretending i'm having a good time when i'm bored as hell ... well, with all due respect ... NO THANKS ... i'll pass.

The question WHY am i staying there if i'm THAT unhappy with it all could be material enough for another post and surely not our present topic.


So no, no coorporate christmas party for me tonight. And yes, i already know i'll get shit for it and no, i don't really care. You want to give me shit? Please do. Come on, bring it on! Show me what you got.
  

       

What The Hell What That All About ?

A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the heck is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail, examined it, and threw it across the street.
Two years later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What the hell was that all about?"

These 2 jokes never fail ... I can't possible hear them and NOT laugh. They're stupid, they're cheap but as I said, they have this immense power of cheering me up. I can’t possibly stay pissed off when I hear them. And YOU know it.

Why do I put them here today? Do I need cheering up? Yes. I do. Big time. I’m not depressed but I feel blue. And the person this post is dedicated to will know why.

You came clear. So did I. From the very beginning. As always. We’re so very much alike it became scary. We think the same, speak the same, act the same, laugh over the same shit and can spend hours talking about everything and nothing. We both knew friendship between a man and a woman is an illusion. I was hoping we were wrong, I was hoping that once again, we’d be different, that against all odds, it would work out that way. It didn’t.
You decided to back off, to protect yourself, to protect myself as well and since I have more respect for you than for anybody else in this world, I will respect your decision. Even if I don’t like it, even if it hurts, even if it pisses me off and I can’t stop complaining about it.

We haven’t talked in 3 days. It seems like a month. It FEELS like a month. You taught me patience, at least tried to and ever since you told me that joke this is that snail story I think about whenever I feel anger and frustration coming. I’m not saying it’s working perfectly but hey, you also said “take things easy, stop rushing everything!” It’s my impatience kicking in again …

I could go on and on about you, about us, about that friendship of ours but it only reminds me how much I miss you. My phone number hasn’t changed. Call me one day.
















PS: and damn you for writing a post about it all first. I was going to go slow for a change and let it settle for a few days … See … the snail story is working sometimes ^-^

   

Dilemma?

I am not a HUGE football fan (i'm talking soccer here) but there is something i generally don't miss watching, it's the world cup. It's once every 4 years so it's not too addictive!
The advantage of working in a big company is that we have so many different nationalities that you find people to support each one of the 32 teams involved.

My craziness about soccer came in 1998. France was host country for the Mondial, i was then working as a waitress in a bar on the beach, with 5 TV screens tuned on 5 different channels just to make sure every single game could be watched. I am not too sure how many games are played in a Soccer World Cup but i can tell you, in 1998, i saw them all. 
And France won ... 3-0 against Brazil. What were the odds? I could write an entire post on it but it's not really the topic here !!

2002, Korea ... needless to remind me how shameful France did. I just got to Mexico and i feverishly denied having anything to do with those people who, who knows how, managed not to score ONE SINGLE goal. Only 4 years after wining the cup. Anywaysssssss ...

2006, Germany ... i was 4 years in Mexico and i honestly have NO IDEA how France did, have no interest in knowing either. I was supporting Mexico with all my heart (having a Mexican boyfriend at that time surely influenced me but i was so ashamed and disappointed by my national team that it wasnt too hard to convince me!!)

So now. Here we go. 2010, South Africa.

And France, ONCE AGAIN, is creating yet another controversy: did they or didnt they cheat to get qualified? Was is a hand, was it not? I dont really know, i didnt watch the game. But all my crazy soccer fan friends had something to say about it, on their facebook, on their messenger, even the best newspapers in France talked about it: some victories taste like defeats.

ONCE AGAIN, it was a selection without glory, a selection that was pending until the very last game (in which they cheated scoring with a hand) ... way to go.

Being in Mexico for almost 8 years now, it's always been a fact that i would support the Mexican team. At least i know who's playing in it! jaja. I dont know, i guess you tend to support the team of the country you feel at home with. And honestly, i'm not too sure i'm willing on taking all the teasing about France not qualifying the fair way.

So today, i was browsing the net, checking the news, and i realized that the groups were made for the Mondial. I found it through an article that was entitled: FRANCE WELL OFF.

Oh french people and their arrogance. I hated it already. So i clicked on the link, to check who France had "inherited" in its group to get rewarded with such a title. I almost fell off my chair:

France is in group A with host country South Africa, Uruguay and .... Mexico O_o

So there will be a match France vs Mexico. What am i supposed to do? Who am i supposed to stand for?

I am still holding a french passport ... and for convenience, it will most probably stays that way ... But my heart is Mexican ... all the way.

Yo le voy a Mexico ... a huevo ... Que Viva Mexico Cabrones!!

  

  

Don't Think Of Me

So you're with her
Not with me
I hope she's sweet
And so pretty
I hear she cooks delightfully
A little angel beside you

So you're with her
Not with me
Oh how lucky
One man can be
I hear your house is smart and clean
Oh how lovely with your homecoming queen
Oh how lovely it must be

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me

So you're with her
Not with me
I know she spreads sweet honey
In fact your best friend I heard he spent
Last night with her
Now how do you feel, how do you feel?

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me

Does it bother you now all the mess I made
Does it bother you now, the clothes you told me not to wear
Does it bother you now all the angry games we played
Does it bother you now when im not the-re

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me
And it's too late

It's not you thinking of me ... it's me thinking of you ...







Waaahoooo, i'm getting sentimental.

  

  

Anger Management

I have anger issues. Well, I call them that. My mom says it's intolerance, my friend say it's impatience, another friend says it's poor self-control. Whatever it is, whatever you call it, it ends up feeling the same: hugely resentful. If i were an animal, i'd end up in killing mode. Anger is so bad it can kill. Hell yeah! And if you look closer at it, even the word "anger" is only ONE letter away from DANGER.

My worse problem is that i have travelled so far into my own anger that it became fury, it became rage, it became hate. I have reached that amount of rage twice in my life, not even 6 months apart, both for the same motive, both for being beaten the crap out of. When that happened to me, it didnt matter that i was weaker and smaller than those 2 guys. One of my buttons had been pushed and fear was not part of my vocabulary any more. If i had had a gun that day, i would have shot it. With not even having second thoughts. And that's scary when you realize that in the aftermath.

It's scary to acknowledge what your inner self is capable of. Scary to realize you could actually take someone's life in a heart beat, just because you couldnt control yourself. It's also impressive how anger affects your body: your heart rate increases, so does your blood pressure, so does your adrenaline level, you can't talk anymore, you're blinded by your own rage, you're shaking like a leaf in the winter wind, you're in survival mode and could eat someone alive. Danger and fear don't mean anything anymore - your entire body and mind are now ruled by an EMOTION. Talking about losing control.

I have had anger issues for as long as i can remember. It goes from the simple: "oh, i'm pissed off" to "seriously, i will punch you in the fucking face and beat the crap out of you if you're still standing" and would even reach the "i will kill you" if i wasnt doing my best to control myself.
Knowing that i have never actually shot someone is not that i am being successful in controlling myself, it's only due to the fact that i am clever enough not to get myself a gun. Otherwise, i probably wouldnt be able to write those lines and most likely be behind bars. Even though, as my friend told me, shooting at someone who is beating the crap out of you would probably be ruled out "self defence".

Maybe i should look for a sport or an activity that helps me channel all that rage. Something that leaves me drained out at the end of each session, something that leaves me with no energy to fight anymore. I heard that all martial arts and fighting sports also teach you self-control. That, i think, would be the toughest for me. Turning my anger into action. Into controlled supervised action. But again, is teaching and showing an angry person like me techniques and tips to hit harder and more precisely really a good idea? I'm already the kinda person who's gonna hit first and then ask questions. Or ACT first and then think.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "for every minutes you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness". TRUST ME, you dont feel it this way. I know it's true but when you feel that surge of anger filling you up, it's like a boiling pan ... It is not gonna stop unless you take it out of the fire. My problem being: HOW do you take ME away from the fire? How do you cool me down? How do you kill my rage when it's still in growing state and before it reaches insane heights? What is that i can do to stop it? And if i find out what, how can i do it? Can i do it? On my own? Or should i be locked away until i calm down, just like you do with kids throwing a fit? I'm open to suggestions, even if i know exactly what most of you will say and that what you will say will piss me off ... i dont like to hear how a failure i am in such a situation.



I like you though ... i'll kill you last.








" Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — this is not easy"
Aristotle


     

Pneumonia and Me

For the past week or so, i've been coughing and coughing and coughing some more. Convinced it was yet another asthma attack of mine, i used my inhalor as well as some of the meds my GP gave me last time.
Except that it wasnt asthma. I really thought my inhalor was the shit, that everytime i was experiencing this drowning feeling upon breathing, it'd be my savior. Well apparently not.
So since the coughing got worse, i asked for an appointment with my doctor.

It's funny the way doctors ask you: "how are you today" when you enter their practice. I'm awesome doc, i just came by to say hi. So i always answer the same stupid answer: "well, not that good otherwise i wouldnt be here, now, would i?"
He knows me so well he actually answered his questions at the same time i did! He knows that i really have to be/feel pretty bad to get a medical appointment since i really hate going to the doctor. I really have to be dying to resign myself to go.

The weirdest part for me during that consultation was to describe my symptoms. Cuz that very morning, i had experienced the freakiest feeling ever. I was high. High like when you're floating right outside your body. Ok, i know it sounds weird but try to explain THAT to a doctor and then imagine how insanely shameful you feel and the look on your doc's face. He must have thought: well if she's not sick in the head she's probably high on drugs. Well no i wasnt. But the feeling sure was there.

So after i told him all about my trip, as well as my body feeling like i've been run over by a truck and my chest so painful with the incessant coughing, he said right away: this is not dengue. Few.

What is it then?

He calmy said: it's pneumonia.

What? Mmm what? Whaaaaaaat? O_o
Am i gonna DIE? I mean fuuuuuck, pneumonia. It's not like a little cough, it's not a little flu. It's fucking pneumonia. People die of it. It's even the leading cause of death in the elderly and children under 5 years old in the world. THE LEADING CAUSE. What am i supposed to do? I dont want to die. Not of pneumonia anyway. I'd rather chose something a tad less painful. I mean have you ever been so tired you can't cough anymore, your chest feels like you're laying under a 15 tons truck, your body hurts like that very same truck hit you and passed over you a hundred times, you're coughing so hard that make you puke. I mean it's not a pleasant walk in the park.

He said i was gonna be ok, that antibiotics will cure me, either in 2 days (which would mean the infection was not too bad) or in 4-5 days (which would mean: Maty get your ass back to the practice, you're infection is pretty serious, we may need to give you stronger meds).

So i went to the pharmacy to buy my meds and right afterwards, went to visit my friend Tim with whom i was gonna have lunch. As soon as i got to his office, i took my meds and sat down to wait til he was finished. And then, all of the sudden, out of nowhere, it hit me. But i mean big time. I was hiiiiiiiiigh. Like went you've taken 3 pills of extasy but without the feeling of happiness (and without my hair dancing on my head either). I couldnt stand, i was hallucinating, i couldnt walk without assistance cuz i was too drowsy and had no balance left whatsoever.

And the first thing i thought was ... HOW am i supposed to drive back home? Like Tim was gonna let me drive in such a state. So i went to his place, slept the entire afternoon (hugging his 60 pounds boxer Ali), coughed like i wanted to spit my lungs out, having more hallucinations than ever, got myself a pounding headache and thought: fuck, dying hurts.

Well thing was, those meds are so strong you're not supposed to take them on an empty stomach ... Side effects stated are dizziness (got it), headache (got it), difficulty sleeping or bad dreams (got it), pins and needles (got it), confusion (got it), disturbance of the gut such as diarrhea, vomiting (got it), indigestion, abdominal pain (got it) and a couple of other stuff that i didnt have the honors of getting. They should just say: you're high like on E without the happy feeling. That should cover most. Haha.

It's funny though how people react to your diagnosed disease: I'm sick. Oh really what do you have? I have the flu. Oh ok, hope you'll get better soon. Now second scenario: I'm sick. Oh really what to you have? I have pneumonia. What? Whaaaaaaat? Are you OK? You need something? Please let me know if you need something. Can i do something for you?
That makes the feelin you're dying even worse.

Pneumonia is a bad ass name for a bad ass illness with a bad ass legit reputation. I'm a healthy 32 years old woman who's gonna make it. Eventually. In the meanwhile, if you allow me, i'll go take my prescription Es ... and enjoy the ride ...

  

Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)

Quite a while back, Tim, a very good friend of mine, sent me a beautiful video ... At that time, i wasn’t writing in a blog, nor paying much attention to anything else but myself. Today, another very good friend of mine, Nahomi, sent me the exact same video. Funnily enough, i knew i had seen it before, and since i really thought it was a beautiful one, i forward it to Tim, with whom i was chatting at that very same moment. He said in hurtful tones that HE was the one who had sent it to me in the first place.


I really think things happen for a reason, that friends do come and go, that the ones you met too early are meant to re-appear in your life eventually, and generally, exactly at the right time. This is exactly what happened to him and me.

And this post, is to celebrate and pay tribute to our re-newed / re-born friendship ... I know for sure now, this one is here to last.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkUbz_63uco

“ If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss .

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…”

By the way, the song in the video is Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good) – hence my title – by Rozalla.
And for the lyrics, it goes like this ...

Brother and sister
Together we'll make it through
Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there
I know you've been hurting but I've been there
Waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can


'Cause
Everybody's free to feel good x 2


We are a family that should stand together as one
Helping each other instead of just wasting time
Now is the moment to reach out to someone
It's all up to you
When everyone's sharing their hope
Then love will win through

Blogger's Block

It's been over a week now and i still haven't written anything. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel bad ... I can't imagine what it would be like to be a renowned writer and have a deadline: you need this book to be finished and ready for publishing in 37 days. Holy crap, talk about sleepless nights. Well i haven't been writing lately because of work. I worked 42 hours in 4 days this week and 63 hours in 6 days last week. Which means that i have worked in 10 days more than a 3 weeks worth of work. Fair? Not really. Needless to say i didn't have much time to blog. And even if i had found the time to, i was too exhausted to do so.

So on Thursday evening, it was my last day of work before a 3 days week-end. And guess what? I slept 27 hours in 2 days. Not even in 2 full days. Only within a 36 hours frame. I slept 27 hours out of 36. Not bad. Jaja.

A friend of mine told me: but it's not normal Mathilde, you need to go see your doctor, you must be sick or something. Really? You think so? Try to work 105 hours in 10 days with only 1 day off after the first 6 worked days (day off that i spent sleeping since i went out on Saturday night and only came back home at 7am on Sunday morning!) and you'll see how it feels.

It's not sickness, it's strain.

And guess what? Today it's Sunday, I'm off again and, I've already slept 10 hours and I'm about to go take a nap ...

Oooooh, i love it already.

Corporate Petiness and Trick or Treat

I have had a long week - a long tiring one. I didn't want to go to work this morning, i already worked 57 hours this week. I mean it's enough no?

Well today, in the office, i was so very much bored thus playing cards on the computer. When my boss called me and told me that some guy from work had reported me to big boss and to him. For playing cards on the computer.

Seriously.

I have been working for this company for nearly 7 years, i arrive on time at work, i do my shit, i am even gonna say that I'm the best at what i do, i don't take an hour lunch break, always less, i leave on time or late or when i know for sure i don't leave any pending behind and you're coming to me with that bullshit? How old are you? 10?

And then people wonder why don't i ever join them at parties organized by people from work? JA!

As i said, i have been working for this company for nearly 7 years and i have never EVER participated or joined a party from work - Christmas party being the only exception and we haven't had it in 2 years! This is not gonna change any time soon. What? It's Halloween? And? Why do i care about Halloween? Halloween is an American party and concept and I'm french. I don't like to dress up either.

I'm pissed off. Big time. Thank god i do have plans for tonight ... I'm gonna treat myself good and explore my darkest side ...

Trick or treat? I'll take both ...

It's the night of the witches ... well watch out, here i come!

Elevation

A few days ago, i accepted an invitation from a friend of mine i hadn't see in a thousand years. It was meant to be a barbecue on the top of his roof - which means, with ocean view - our dogs getting to know each other and playing the night away and me getting back to my old self - the crazy, party bitch ... Some alcohol was involved, i mean, we were celebrating his birthday after all :)

It was the BEST night i had in such a long time. A night i could be myself without being judged, a night i could let myself completely go with the flow, a night to remember ...

High, higher than the sun
You shoot me from a gun
I need you to elevate me here
At the corner of your lips
As the orbit of your hips
Eclipse
You elevate my soul
I've got no self control
Been living like a mole now
Going down, excavation
High and high in the sky
You make me feel like I can fly
So high

Elevation

A star
Lit up like a cigar
Strung out like a guitar
Maybe you can educate my mind
Explain all these controls
Can't sing but I've got soul
The goal is elevation

A mole
Digging in a hole
Digging up my soul now
Going down, excavation
I and eye in the sky
You make me feel like I can fly
So high

Elevation

Love
Lift me up from out of these blues
Won't you tell me something true
I believe in you ...

Aaaaaaaaaargh !!

My mom always told me ... don't quit when upset, don't argue when upset, don't write when upset, don't do anything you can regret afterward when you're upset. Well tonight I'm upset. And I'm upset BIG TIME. Upset is not even remotely close to how i feel. I'd rather say I'm pissed off. But like majorly pissed off.

Why? Because of a bitch today at work who gave me such a mouthful for something that was so not my fault, so not my responsibility and so not in my control. No need to enter into details here cuz i don't fancy talking about work in my posts. But it's more like the frustration of not being able to slap her mouth shut with some scathing comment (that obviously popped out in my head two hours later, like the absolute perfect comment which would have politely shut the fucking bitch up) or to simply beat the crap out of her.

Add to that the pouring rain, the ride back home that take twice the normal time, me soaking wet since morning (i was so wet even my bones were swimming), an entire ship chartered by gay men, some of them so damn beautiful it hurts the eyes, my dog insanely dragging me during her afternoon walk, no hot water when I'm so very much longing for a boiling hot shower after being cold and wet all day and an insanely high humidity level ... (i mean come on ... 88%. At 9:30pm. EIGHTY EIGHT PERCENT humidity ...)

And you'll have the perfect ingredients for a perfectly shitty day.





There is a saying that goes like that: "don't go to bed angry ... stay up and fight".











Can the bitch be the one i fight tonight?

Corporate Uselessness

Last month, on September 18th, it was my birthday. And my mom, as many other carrying moms in the world, decided to send me a parcel, a little something i could open on my special day away from them all. Being on the other side of the world, she took the time to send it 2 weeks prior to D day, i.e. on September 4th.
Just to make sure ....

One month later ... nothing had arrived ... 5 weeks later ... still nothing ...
So she went to HER post office to get a tracking number, to get some information of where the hell the package was. And that's what she was given ...

Site - Code - Event - Date (dd/mm/yy)

402450 - DEPSIO - Package dropped at post office - 4/09/09 9h56
336130 - PCHPDS - Transportation - 4/09/09 21h06
336130 - PCHPDS - Loading - 4/09/09 21h15
91260 - MLVEXP - Package Delivered to "abroad" dpt. - 6/09/09 20h
9984 - AAREXP - Package's arrival to Mexico - 8/09/09 20h22
9984 - DOUDOU - Going through customs - 8/09/09 20h25
9984 - AECEXP - Package went thought customs - in transit to final destination - 9/09/09 10h18

What does all this mumbo jumbo mean? It means that it took this very much awaited package 4 days to arrive to its country of destination, aka Mexico (from France). FOUR DAYS. Then one more day to pass successfully through customs and another 2 extra days to arrive to the sorting office close to me.

I found that out, by pure LUCK, when a friend/colleague of mine called the sorting office today wondering where the heck a package SHE was waiting for was, considering that hers had left the States some 3 weeks prior.
The guy who answered her told her: "oh, but we have it here, it's been here for a while actually. There are another 2 packages waiting here for other 2 people from your company as well!"

One of them being mine.

When i went to the postal office, i wasn't planning on raising the roof but i couldn't help asking WHY didn't they let us know (well, at least, why didn't they let ME know) that the package was there. I mean our office is 10 minutes away from them and I'm pretty sure they go there to deliver regular mail every single day. And the guy told me, pointing at some scribblings on the box: "we left 3 calling cards on those respective dates. Your box arrived here on September 11th."

THREE CALLING CARDS. T-H-R-E-E. That means that, in the company I've been working for for the past 6.5 YEARS, someone (and i have a very clear idea of WHO) received (and signed) 3 calling cards acknowledging that a box from FRANCE intended to Mathilde (and i am the ONLY Mathilde in the entire company and the ONLY French as well) had arrived at the sorting office, that i was welcome to pick it up in exchange of showing up my ID at the office (open from 8am to 4pm - Monday through Saturday) and never mentioned anything to me. Ever. Never BOTHERED to tell me that a package from my mother was waiting for me at the post office. That my birthday present had arrived well on time.

Needless to say that i was FUMING. And once more, i got to hallucinate over people's carelessness, over people not giving a fucking shit about others. It amazes me. And it's not a compliment. I know everybody is busy at work with their own shit but passing on a calling card to a colleague takes, at the most, 32 seconds of your bloody time. Out of a day of 8 hours worth of work, it's not gonna put you behind. And if you don't want the responsibility of receiving the mail that most of foreign employees receive at work, well then DON'T SIGN THE BLOODY CALLING CARD.

Individualism makes me want to puke. It makes me positively SICK.

Once again, the saying (and my mother) are right (they always are!): "on n'est jamais mieux servi que par soi-même"

On Murphy's Law

"Anything that can go wrong will"

THIS, is Murphy's law ... or sod's law.

It's the flat tire or the mad traffic jam when you're already late, it's the supermarket line that goes faster and closes the second you get yourself in line, it's 2 buses arriving at the same time after you've waited half hour and finally decided to lit up a cigarette, it's the free entrance or free open bar the second you paid, it's your plane leaving late and your connection leaving on time, it's your covered in mud dog hoping on your brand new white trousers, it's the toast falling on the buttered face, it's the gaz running out when you've invited people over for dinner, it's your plants dying of too much water after you rescued them from too much sun, it's having 2 dates on the same day when you've been date-less for 6 months (and being stood up by both), it's the mountain climber dying 50 meters away from the Everest's top, it's meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife, it's your best friend's birthday cake the second you want to start a diet, it's being on a lonely deserted road for hours and finally get to see another car exactly where the road is a one lane only, it's arriving late at work the only day of the year the boss wants to see you, it's getting a cold sore when you finally get that date you've been working on for that long, it's buying a new pair of expensive sunglasses and drop them on the concrete floor without having worn them even once, it's fancying like mad a man who doesn't give a shit about me when the ones i don't fancy not even remotely, i can't get rid of.

And obviously, this is the situation I'm in now. Damn it why is it always like that? Always THE guy you want that is not available, not interested, not this, not that. Why is it the man that doesn't give you any attention that you want attention from the most ... I've been told it's Murphy's law. Everything that can go wrong will. Everything goes wrong all at once. That you never run out of things that can go wrong ...

Well you know what? I think Murphy's law could also be called FATALISM. When you only foresee the worse, the worse is what you get ... It all falls down under another very powerful law called the law of attraction. I am not a fatalist and i will get what the bloody fuck i want.

So mister i-don't-have-time-for-you-I'm-a-busy-man-forget-all-about-me, get ready. I want you and will get you ... That is just the way it is.
Chances are, I'll get over it a split second after it all ... human beings tend to be like that: intensely desiring something and intensely despising it the second we get it. Life's a bitch, what can i say?

Keep smiling ... and people will wonder what you're up to!

U and Ur Hand

Saturday was gonna be THE day ... the day i get back to going out, the day i get back to be on top of new club music, the day i get back to my old self, this person i used to be and that everybody used to enjoy a lot ... me included! It was going to be "let's party all night" obviously accompanied by my dearest friend (and partner in crime), Ivonne.

We started at the sky bar that used to be called azul. Don't ask me for the name it has now, i have no clue. Place was really nice, there were a lot of known people there but it was just too shy and proper to be our cup of tea.
So we headed to the world-famous (ok, at least in my world it is famous) ZOO. We know the staff there, they surely know us too and it was just like going home. Home sweet home. You know, this sensation you have when you enter a place you used to belong to and feel like, wahoo, that hasn't changed at all. It is still the same place, the same staff, the same people, the same DJ and the same music ... Feels like we haven't been away that long then? Or have we?
The bartender told us: it is so good to have you both back. That was sweet of him. But what about us? Is it good to be back? Does it FEEL good to be back?

To be truly honest with you, no. No it doesn't. And we really wondered why? And the answer was as sharp as a knife ... because we're old. OK, no, sorry. Let me rephrase ... Because we're OLDER. We grew OUT of the places that felt like home a few months back, grew out of that particular place we used to have so much fun at ...

I used to say ... "pinche zoo, nunca falla" but this time, it did failed us. Big time. It just wasn't what we wanted, what we expected not even what we remembered it was.

So we decided to give our girls' night out another shot ... at yet another of our old haunts, i named HILO. Reason why we went there is simple: i have a soft spot for the bartender ... haha. The woman doesn't change now does she?

So here we are, at the bar, like the good old times, bitching about everything, commenting on every single outfit that comes close to us (we're fashion police officers), crying our eyes out from laughter, dancing reggaeton, drinking a little and obviously checking on every single man around.

That's when it happened. All over again ... This guy (decent looking but the approach really was terrible), after endless minutes of hesitation, going around us, looking at us, finally found the balls to come to me and asked me if me and my friend were a couple. Oh, how much i missed that. How much do i miss the look in the guy's face when he actually DARES to ask that. Cuz you never know ... If you say yes, it can be like ok well then never mind or that can motivate him to convince you to go for a threesome. So I'm never too sure what to answer. This time i chose to say the truth and i said that no, we were not a couple. He asked a few more questions after that but there is this one song that immediately popped into my head and i couldn't really focus on anything else ... It goes like this:

Check it out going out on the late night
Looking tight feeling nice it's a cock fight
I can tell I just know that it's going down ... tonight
At the door we don't wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That's when dick head put his hands on me
But you see ...

I'm not here for your entertainment
You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just u and ur hand tonight

Midnight I'm drunk I don't give a fuck
Wanna dance by myself guess you're outta luck
Don't touch, back up, I'm not the one ... Buh bye!
Listen up it's just not happening, you can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight ...Aiight

In the corner with your boys you bet 'em five bucks
You'd get the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck
We didn't get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are ... high fivin', talking shit, but you're going home alone aren't cha?

Cause I'm not here for your entertainment
No you don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It's just you and your hand tonight


So yes buddy, thanks for the attention, feels good to know we still got it ... but you're going home alone! And I'm not even sorry!