Sad But True

The other night, as we were laying in bed, Bruno said something that really buggered me. It buggered me because when I came to think about it, I thought it was not only true but incredibly sad: technology has taken over us.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't actually care or think that'd matter but it's been such an incredible amount of time since the last time I read in bed before sleeping. What do I do instead? I play on my stupid phone. Not only is it not good to actually be in front of a screen just before going to sleep but it's also so much less stimulating intellectually.

I used to read tons and tons of books a year. But now, i barely read one a month. I have about 5 or 6 that I've started but not finished. They're laying around in the house, on my night stand, on my desk ... I'm TSUNDOKU all over the place! LOL.

I absolutely LOVE the fact that the Japanese actually have a word for that: TSUNDOKU is the condition of acquiring reading materials but letting them pile up in one's home without reading them. That is so accurate and so what's happening to me right now!

And it's not just the books that i'm leaving aside. I don't play sudoku anymore either. I used to fill up grids and grids every night. Well not anymore. Saaaad.

So today, i've decided something. Since i have just a week left before getting my ass back to work hence with not that massive amount of "free time" in my hands (i put it in between quotation marks cuz let's be honest, having to care for a 3 months old is no vacation whatsoever. And there is pretty much no free time!), I will have a week to acclimatize!

In order for me to allow myself to play a game of stupid candy crush (damn that's addictive!), i'll first have to either, read at least a few pages of a book or even better, an entire chapter, fill up a grid of sudoku, write a journal and/or write a blog entry.

That's an excellent reason to go through the dozens of books still unread, the hundreds of sudoku puzzles waiting to be solved and increase the amount of entries in the blog i have abandonned a bit over the past few years. And let's be honest. Either writing or reading is so much better for the head than candy crushing! LOL

It's a win-win situation! 

OK, gotta go now! These candies ain't crushing on themselves!

47 Hours 39 Minutes

That would be the amount of time (sorry, i didn't check the seconds) that I've been without a computer. And I believe me knowing the exact amount of time I've been without speaks for itself. I haven't been without an Internet connection since we live in a world of medias and cellphones. I can access Internet with my cellphone and/or my man's computer but it's not quite the same thing as on my personal laptop.

Apart from being my way of connecting to the outside world, my laptop is, with my camera, my most precious belonging. Because I'd say my entire life is on it. I have pictures of a long gone time, pictures I know for sure I'm the only one having since I've never shared them with anybody, i have years of work paperwork, texts I've written, tons of music, a few videos and well, you know, stuff i care about. And a few days ago, the tragedy, my laptop is on but not on. I mean it all acts and sounds like it's on and running except that well, it's not: black screen and all. And i can't turn it off.

I took it to the computer's hospital yesterday, some guy's company judiciously called S.O.S. 16 (France is divided in states called "départements" and they each have a number related to how they place alphabetically). The surgeon took it and told me he'd let me know. If my laptop is dead, well, so be it, but i truly want my data back.

I'm not foreseeing the worse. I will get an external hard-drive to stock all my shit on as soon as i get it back and then i promise I'll take better care of my next computer, or this very same laptop when/if i get it back alive and kicking, trying not to eat and/or drink too close not to drop anything on it, I'll carry it in a proper case (not in my handbag) and well, give it the reverence it truly deserves.

On a side note, it's amazing how much time you have and how much things you can actually do when you're not glued to your screen. I've read two books, did some gardening, completed several sudoku and actually took time to write a few texts the old fashion way: with a pen and a paper. I think i might actually be a computer/Internet addict.

Gasp.

I Have OCD

I just realized that i do have OCD. Not in a big kinda way but i do have at least one little thing i cannot deal with without being overly uncomfortable. 

OCD is a disease. And i know for a fact that i'm not sick. But i have this obsession that i can't control. I'm fully aware of it and not sorry about it nor suffer from it.

My obsession is that my tea cup (or coffee cup) has to be full to the brim. Always. If the liquid doesn't come up to the top, i re-heat some more water to make sure it does. 

On Tuesday morning, my tea was almost 1cm lower than the edge of my giant mug and i thought, sod it, i'm not heating more water. And at the same time, i thought, well, this is not a good start to a day.

Little did i know that on that very same day, i had 3 breakings on the tractor and couldn't finish what i had started the day before. 

So from now on, even if it sounds stupid, picky or demanding, i don't care, i'll ask for more water to make sure my cup is full the way it should ...

My New Project

I always have so many projects going on in my life and in my head and i'm always extremely excited about them all. Tonight is no different and to say that i'm excited about this one would be an understatement.

A few weeks ago, or maybe it was a few months ago already, a friend of mine did an outstandingly awesome artwork for his parents-in-law and then another one for his wife and in all honesty, i was green with envy. And i kind of felt a pinch of jealousy as well, not having that kind of gift myself. Well that was until tonight. 

I was chatting with a friend of mine and we were talking plants, garden and my wish on growing heirloom vegetables instead of the traditional ones you get to find at your local supermarket or grocery store (for those of you who don't know what heirloom veggies are, they are what we call in French "forgotten vegetables", those veggies that are old as dirt but that nobody else but passionate gardeners grow in their garden). 

She said it'd be a great idea and deplored the fact that she can't grow any kind of plant, even the easiest to care for. And that's when i remembered 2 things: 

- i do have green thumbs and can grow any kind of seed (with the exception of flowers, i'll work on it, i promise, but for now, flowers are definitely not my thing)

- a friend of mine had the same problem with plants and i actually care for her plants every time i was visiting her.

And i thought ... why not doing this "i take care of your plants" thingy again. Problem is: my friend is living pretty much on the other side of the world. We're not on the same continent and there's the Atlantic Ocean in between us two! 

That's when "i live in the 21st century" actually is an awesome thing: i can video call with her, i can send her written tutorials and genius idea: i can make little videos and send them to her with some basic advises for whatever plant she's willing to grow.

She sounded excited about the idea - obviously i was even more excited than she could ever be!! - and she's going to the nursery on Monday. I've never wanted it to be Monday that early in the week-end! I don't even recall wanting a Monday to arrive earlier EVER! LOL.

Obviously, since i'm still living in that rabbit hole, i won't be able to make video tutorials just yet but i don't care, i have this awesome project to help my friend sort her problem with growing plants and that's so exciting. Projects are fun. And this one is like doing my own garden already - but long distance. I can't wait to see the results. I'm sure she'll do great!

We're starting off easy, with cactus and perennial plants. Then we'll move on. Maybe one day i'll even managed to help her grow flowers! Who knows!

My Man Makes Me Tea

I started drinking tea when i was 20 and god knows i drink a lot of it. One liter in the morning and then some in the afternoon, depending. When i used to be in Mexico, it had become a ritual with a colleague of mine and myself to drink cups and cups of tea all day long. He couldn't handle drinking coffee any longer and i was only too happy to oblige and accompany him on his tea drinking.

When i was a student, i always enjoyed drinking tea in the afternoon, or before going to bed. Even when i was younger, it was part of a ritual at my aunt's, to have a cup of chamomile tea before bed.

So tea goes a long way back in my life.

And a few days ago, my man offered me tea after dinner. I was so pleasantly surprised that i said yes, of course. There is something sacred about drinking tea. Even if it's in a Homer Simpson mug :/

He's been making me tea after every meal ever since. It's been 3 days already. I feel special. I know it sounds stupid but i really do. Not only is he cooking for me every single day of the week (lunch and dinner) but he's making me breakfast as well and now, he's also making me tea.

One thing is certain ... he's a keeper.

THIS ... Is What I Want

I want that body, with maybe a tad more flesh since i believe she's too skinny to my liking but hey, i'd settle with that anyway ;)

And you know what the best part of it is?

I'll get it.

I give myself 3 months for this. 3 months and a week. Right on time for the Monsters Race at the beginning of June. 

I've taken some before pictures (so what i look like now) and i'll take some more after a month, after 2 months and then at the end and i'll show them off here!

Ultimately, whenever i find the drive or the perfect fit sport-wise for me, i'm aiming at this:

Don't wish me luck. I know what i want. I know how to get it. And it's called work. 
And just like a sign i saw was stating: 

"Nobody cares about your excuses. Nobody pities you for procrastinating. Nobody is gonna cuddle you because you're lazy. 
It's YOUR ASS. 
YOU move it".

I'm Breaking Free

I have a lot going on. And by a lot, i mean A LOT. I actually need to follow my shrink advice and make a to-do list of all the loose ends that need to be tie up.

I havent been doing great lately and i really feel like my brain is about to implode. Actually, my doctor said that it's a normal "feeling" and that's generally the first signs of something more serious called depression: your brain is exhausted.

What do you have? I have brain exhaustion. LOL.

I shouldnt laugh, it really isnt funny. But i have this mental image of a brain looking like a cartoon flat tire... 

Anywaysssss.

So here i was, this morning over breakfast, doing the usual, harvesting and planting shit in my farm when it kinda hit me in the face: I AM ADDICTED TO FARMVILLE. And that bloody addiction is taking a tremendous chunk off of my free time hence diverting me from my need to be done. 

And trust me, when you're about to move back to your home country after 11 years abroad, a lot need to be done. Especially when you realize that almost half of January is already gone and that there are only 3 months left. And i thought it'd take forever. If i'm not more careful, by the time i'll wake up tomorrow we'll be in April already and none of what needs to be done will be.

So today, i took the time to advice my FV friends that i wouldnt be playing anymore. I've been an avid player for about 2 years now and i've met some amazing people thanks to it. They know who they are (wink wink). And when i made it back home, i cleaned up everything on each of my 8 farms, sent gifts to my friends, changed the set up on my newsfeed so i dont get any more FV notifications and BLOCKED the app. O_o

It's been 10 minutes. It feels weird. But a nice kinda weird. It feels like i'm breaking free from something that ceased to be fun and had started to control my life and my free time. I'm becoming the owner of my life again. How cool is that? 

I Physically Harm Myself

I tried to put that sentence in a more tactful way but there is no tactful way to express the feeling and the fact that i do harm myself every day that passes. The only difference nowadays, is that i actually notice i'm doing it. I don't notice when i start, i notice while i'm doing it. And stopping is the most difficult thing I've ever have to do. In 3 words, i just can't. I can't stop doing it. It goes beyond me.

Why do i physically harm myself? I do it to punish myself. To punish myself from being happy. And today being the 4th month-versary i am with my boyfriend, it's reaching records heights. How do i do it? No, i don't cut myself, blood is too messy and leaves stains and remember, i'm a practical person. Mentally screwed up but practical nonetheless. I simply use the paper tissues i constantly have around me because of my constant nose-runs (how convenient) and rub it on my hands, arms, neck and every little piece of skin i can find until i almost bleed.

It's painful but since pain is addictive, i have to do it every time a little bit harder to make it actually "work". It leaves marks all over my body. But that pain is comforting cuz i know it. Isn't it what addictions are all about? Escaping reality through sensations you know, like a comfort blanket?

I've done it since as long as i can remember. Why am i doing it? Psychologists all agree on that point: i punish myself for being the happy person my mother never managed to be. I punish myself cuz even I can't make her happy. I punish myself cuz unconsciously  i have convinced myself i don't deserve that happiness. If she can't be happy (and even more if I can't make her happy) then who the hell do i think i am to lush in all that happiness?

It is screwed up. I need therapy. I've been through sessions already and stopped cuz it was just too hard emotionally  I bailed out on the idea of getting helped and/or getting better because i didn't feel i could cope with it anymore without losing myself in it. I am deadly scared of changes even though i don't admit it. This is why i always order the same food when i go to the same restaurant for the 2nd time. And every single time afterwards as well. I am tremendously insecure and have serious self esteem problems.

Very few people know.

They see me as this person I've always dreamt i was. Strong, powerful, determined, secure, leader.

I'm not.

And when i have the chance to meet someone as wonderful as the man who's been sharing my life for the past four months, my old demons start to kick back in and i do stuff to sabotage my happiness. I don't do it consciously. But therapy has opened my eyes about it and i now notice when i do it. Which is a horrendous feeling. Cuz i don't think i can stop. I don't picture myself stopping. I cant control myself. Or so i think.

It's like being in a car full speed, seeing the wall getting closer and closer and closer and not hitting the brake.

I feel i could burst into flames.

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you. You're just too good to be true.

This is NOT a cry for help. I am not trying to kill myself. I don't want to die. I am just trying to deal with the bad ass addiction that's been mine for more than 30 years and that is called PAIN.

I'm A Slave Trader Capitalist Farmer

Except that i have no employee to work to death since i'm the only one actually "working" there.

What in the hell am i talking about?
I'm talking about the biggest addiction ever in the virtual world: FARMVILLE.

 

A few months ago, my dear friend Nahomi kinda begged me to open my farm because she was missing just a few extra neighbors to pass level or to get her farm bigger or whatever. Back in the days, i had stopped playing Zoo World (where i never got the giraffe i wanted so bad then), or Happy Aquarium, or Happy Island (being drained in the addiction's abysm of both of these by the same Nahomi). To make it simpler, i had stopped getting online Facebook. For my own safety and sanity.

One of my ex being a Farmville farmer, i knew what the game was about and i knew i'd get hooked up to that shit in no time.

Nahomi is indeed a very convincing person when she needs something and she dragged both myself and her husband in the process. Needless to say i didnt just started a farm to help her get one more neighbor. I got completely hooked in the process and started exchanging tips with her and some more neighbors i got quickly. To the point that i now have a bigger farm than she does, twice as many neighbors as she does and probably spend twice the time on it as she does.

Welcome to the sweet world of the worst addiction ever: video games!

There is however, this massive difference between me and her. She was like that when we both had an island and an aquarium. She arrages things so it looks nice and neat. I dont.

I mean my farm looks neat and there are no trees or animal all over the place. But i dont buy decoration shit that is only space consuming. Every single thing i have on my farm, makes me money. If it doesnt or i dont have room for it and it's not rewarding enough money-wise, i get it from my neighbors and sell it right away. Like the chickens for example. I mean a chicken gets you 12 pesos - yes i count in pesos i live in Mexico - but i can only fit 80 in the chicken coop. Well too bad, every time i get a chicken from a mystery egg, i sell it. It gets me 20 pesos but i keep the room for something else that can get me more cash.

So when people send me flower bouquets or fancy fence or whatever dust-catcher they can find, i get it and sell it. Right away. I want stuff that makes money. Nothing else.

And since i now have the biggest plantation that is currently available, 723 plow-able squares and pretty much every single tree that is available for sale in the market, i am now shooting for the moon and trying to get ALL the masteries of ALL trees and seeds.

How long is it gonna take?
Forever.
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
It's capitalism at its best.

Production production production.

Will i get a reward at the end?
Most likely not.
Do i look like i care?

I have entered another dimension of players by asking complete strangers to be my neighbors so i can speed up passing levels. I get tons of stuff in no time. It is actually getting exciting.
Now if you'll excuse me, i have some serious harvesting to do.

I Am Officially Obsessed

with Lady Gaga...

Not groupie-obsessed, not obsessed to the point i want to stalk her and go to every single of her concerts or wait outside her hotel room all night to see a glimpse of her or collect every single piece of Gaga thing i can find, not obsessed with her videos or her outfits, just obsessed with her music to the extend that i dont really want to listen to anything else.

But i do like the way she dares wearing a meat dress ...

I mean seriously, who does that?

I Don't Have a Cel Phone

OMG ... I mean OH MY FREAKING GOD, i don't have a cel phone anymore O_o

Today marked my official last day at Vallarta Adventures so i went to the office to give back all my babies: my laptop, my radio and my dear beloved blackberry!
I'm starting my new job tomorrow and supposedly i'll get a new phone from there but in the meanwhile, well, i'm cel phone-less.

I feel naked.

I haven't been without a cel phone in 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. I mean it's like i'd tell you, ok from now on, we're gonna take one of your arms away from you. Hey but hold on, i need it! I'm used to it now, i've been carrying it around for ever!

Is that addiction or what?

If i dont get a new phone tomorrow, i'll go straight from work to telcel and get a pink blackberry. Oh hell yes =)

Hell-thy

Comfort food, as the name says, is made to comfort you. And a double decker nutella sandwich with a coke for dinner does just that: it comforts me.

I've been needing comforting for a while now, except that i dont get it when i need it, i dont take it when i get it, and i pretty much block everything that comes my way especially if that something will make me feel happy.

I dont mean to.

I just do it by habit. I dont even notice i'm doing it. I'm sabotaging my happiness.

I hope someday someone will make me change, will help me change.

But how can someone not give up on me if I've already given up myself?
I just can't do it anymore.

I wish it would all go away.

 

Bye Facebook

Today, i have made the HUGE decision to get rid of my facebook account. Well, i'm not getting 100% rid of it cuz i can't face just yet going through all my pictures and photo albums and save them on my computer.

Today i have come to the conclusion that social networking is affecting my well being in a way that i didnt think possible and i have thus decided to give up this addiction.

I have gotten rid of it on my blackberry, i've erased it from my navigation's history as well as from my favorite web pages. I will not let an addiction ruin rule my life ...

I AM BREAKING FREE.

PS: For those of you still willing on keeping in touch with me or wanting to share links and/or videos, my email is still up and kicking ... At least, i'll be able to not read what hurts me most ...



Comfort Food At Its Best

It's been DAYS that i've had bad ass cravings for Nutella. And this is something (amongst a thousand others) that i very rarely allow myself to buy cuz let's be honest, at my age, it goes straight to the butt (and stay there until the end of time). Well today is a new day for me. A day i start taking care of myself, a day i stop feeling guilty about it all. I've started a therapy. But that's not the topic here (that topic will surely have a post of its own soon enough).
So tonight, after much struggling and debating with myself, i thought fuck it, i'm going to Walmart to get my Nutella. And i did.
The biggest pot they sell. Costs a fortune but i dont care.
And since Bimbo has stopped making their fabulous Bimbo Kid bread, i'm savouring my Nutella fix with the next best thing after bimbo kid : hot dog bread.
And a coke.

I said i wouldnt be drinking pops anymore or eat junk food.
Well.
Cravings are cravings. And holding them back for 4 days is punishment enough.

And after i'm done with the nutella hot dogs, i'll be having strawberry with whipped cream. Cuz i bought that too.

It's comfort food at it's best.

Do i need to be comforted tonight? Honestly, not really. But my psy asked me "what do you need to feel better?"
And THAT is what makes me feel pretty damn good tonight.

If i could have sex too, it'd be the icing on the cake ...

This Has Got To Stop

What has?
My Facebook addiction. I mean this is getting ridiculous. I'm taking that being on vacations and having WAY too much time on my hands doesnt help either but still. I have my FB page open all day long, checking who's doing what every 5 minutes, accepting all the gifts other losers like me send me on farmville, sending them gifts back so i can finish building up my stable, checking pictures of people i dont care about in the first place, filling up my head with shit, especially the illusion that all those wonderful people have an amazing life in incredible places doing outstanding stuff, having the time of their life while i'm alone like a rat at home.
And to add some masochism to it all, i now have facebook on my blackberry with notifications and shit, just to make sure i dont lose one single stupid comment someone made on some brainless stuff i wrote or a picture i've been tagged in.

THIS has GOT
TO
STOP.

NOW.

Facebook is NOT real life. I MUST accept the fact that it is a complete UTOPIA to think that my FB friends have a better life than mine, do better stuff than i do, have more fun than me, meet nicer people than i do and are better than i am. They don't.

I am not saying i am better than anybody else. But i have a great life, a lot of people i know also do. But this jealousy i've been feeling is based on nothing more tangible than a few pictures or comments that can so easily be altered and tampered. The fact that I mean every word i write doesnt mean everybody else does. I've met a lot of people in my life trying to convince themselves they're having a blast when they really dont. Isnt it what we all do? You're down and blue and someone asks you, how are you? and you answer, i'm fine.

Maybe i should try to quit? Yeah well no, i dont think that'll happen anytime soon! An addiction is something you need therapy to overcome. And guess what? I dont have the balls to start one. Just because i know how screwed up i am, just because i'm sure it'll make me realize there is so much more than my incapacity on being happy and my gift to torture myself with digging into my friend's facebook life just for the sake of rubbing it in ...

Facebook is the tabloid of people you know. You can get to think that what you write or say or publish or post matters to them but truth is, people only really care about themselves. There is only but a few who truly care about you and those are the ones you dont talk to on social networks.





PS: before this post backlashes on me, i am NOT depressed. I am fine. Really. I have been down a bit lately, because it's always like that for my b-day and x-mas. I know where my problems come from. I'm just too coward to face them and deal with them. Being able to figure out what affected me so bad has weakened me greatly, making it harder for me to deal with simple day to day issues we all have to go through with. But the good thing is, there is always a bottom to a hole. Eventually, you touch it and the only way out is up :)

Not Afraid

A few days back, a friend of mine came over for a nice chat around a glass of wine. It was supposed to be a girls evening at home, chit-chatting about this and that, us and them, whatever light-hearted topics 2 girls and a bottle of white wine can come out with. What i did not see coming at all, was our conversation slidding to a private therapy session right in my living room. My friend is a psychologist and she nailed my shit on the wall in a split second. It has been a long time (and i'm not even sure it ever HAPPENED to me before) since i had such an intense conversation with someone, a freaking long time since i last cried that much, and an even longer time since i realized how bloody screwed up in the head i really am.

I believe we all have issues and i believe that most of them are due to our relationships with our mother. Mine being a shrink, you'd think that i wouldnt be that big of a mess emotionally. Well, i'm not THAT BIG of a mess, i'm just a GIGANTIC one.

I am not going to write here what the conversation was about since there are only a very few things that are actually more private and intimate than that. But there is one thing she told me (out of the many things i could discuss here!) that smacked me in the face and made me realize that i really do need help.
But i mean NOW.
In between two nose blowing and tear wiping - and it's important that i mention here that i wasnt sobbing loudly and uncontrollably but tears were running down my cheeks non stop yet silently - she said: "this is the little girl inside of you who's crying right now. And by doing it silently as you're doing it right this very second, by trying to swallow your tears, you make sure that nobody hears her. Not even you. Not even your inner self. The little girl inside of you is completely alone. How is she supposed to deal with all that shit if nobody can hear her crying for help?"

And there went the river i cried. No kidding. Hear THAT when you're already well shaken emotionally and i challenge you to stoically keep sitting on your couch. If you can do that, you are dead inside.

Needless to say that the following morning, after 4 not enough hours of sleep and as many crying my eyes out, i had the worse emotional hangover there is. If such thing exists. I was feeling drained with not an ounce of strength left. I wanted to puke, i couldnt even eat anything for breakfast that morning. I was feeling positively SICK. The only thing i thought i was capable of that day was sleeping all day. I drove to work with no recall of the ride. Worked my day through with no idea of how i did it or how well i did it, not remembering much of it. It was like i was out of me, a different person, in a different body.
I slept 3 hours straight as soon as i came back home. And even after that nap that i so badly needed, i felt completely spaced out. Not all there. At all.

Since then, this conversation still feels completely surreal. I'm not even sure it actually happened anymore. It opened up such a huge can of worms it kinda grossed me out. And two options are now lying in front of me:
- put the lid back on the can, push it aside, hope it vanishes in thin air and convince myself everything is going to be ok (so unlikely to happen unfortunately)
- kick the can, face the worms, and smash all of them motherfuckers.

I've always been attracted to Eminem's music. Not because i like rap, i do (but i'm not crazy about it) but mainly because he sings the way i feel inside. I mean he doesnt really sing, he SPITS his rage through his lyrics. And if you listen well to the tone of his voice, it generally escalates during the song into big angry ranting and cursing against pretty much everything and anything. The guy's angry and jeez, does it show.
Well the lyrics below are from a song of him called "Not Afraid" (hence the title of this post) from his last album "Recovery". He's talking about his experience in getting clean from his pain killer addiction. I have highlighted my favorite quotes, which i think, can apply to a lot of what i am feeling right now.
I think the time has finally come for me to grab myself by the guts, call a shrink, make an appointment and start spilling it all out. For my well being. For my happiness. And more than anything, for my mental health.

PS: i would have put up the video here but i still havent figured out how to do it :s (me and technology will probably end up being a pretty post right on these pages).
But you can click on the link below, it'll take you there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Yeah, It's been a ride..
.I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way Imma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit and
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle lonely
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin at stars I feel amazing and 



I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Lady Gaga & Me

Guess this post will not fall in the category "me and ..."
Anyway.

Hello, hello, baby; You called, I can't hear a thing.
I have got no service in the club, you see, see…
Wha-Wha-What did you say?
Oh, you're breaking up on me…
Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

 
Lately, i have been obsessed by Lady Gaga. Especially that "telephone" song of hers! OK i admit i listen to it like 20 times in a row (now playing as i type). Can't stop watching all her videos, listening to all her songs. My obsession is more on the person she is than what her songs talk about or her music is all about. She is so very intrigating. To me at least but i dare say to a lot of people as well.

K-kinda busy

K-kinda busy
Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

I dont like all her songs but i admire how much she dares doing crazy stuff. I mean we all are neurotic crazy freaks, some more than others but i mean she takes freakiness to a whole different level. And for that, she gets all my respect. And admiration. Not that she really needs it but she gets it anyway ;)

Just a second, it's my favorite song they're gonna play
And I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh…
You shoulda made some plans with me, you knew that I was free.
And now you won't stop calling me;
I'm kinda busy.



So now i am desperate to get "telephone" as my ringtone but either i'm a complete idiot and cant find a free way to do it, or it's really not available. Yes i know i have a blackberry and NO FREAKIN' CLUE! Pathetic. Oh well. Up until recently, cel phones were just that, CELLULAR PHONES. Not bloody radio station, camera, DVD player and laptop with internet. So all the extra curricular assets of a cel phone, well, i'm not quite there yet. The only thing i figured out pretty damn quick was the chat. My dear beloved chat.

Stop callin', stop callin',

I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.



But back to my issue here. I NEED LADY GAGA's TELEPHONE SONG AS MY RINGTONE.
NOW.
ANY help is welcome.
But i NEED this ringtone.
ASAP.

My phone rings non-stop on cruise ship days and that would be nice to have a song actually saying: stop calling, i dont want to talk anymore. Very appropriate. I'll probably miss all my calls just to listen to that song which has been screaming in my head for the past week 2 days.

Stop callin', stop callin',

I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.

And now her new video Alejandro is out, it got 3 MILLIONS views in 24 HOURS and guess what?
I CAN'T WATCH IT.
Because of that stupid internet.
So i'm frustrated.
Again
ALL OVER AGAIN.
Especially since it apparently brought a lot of controversy, and a lot of buzz, and because i'm curious now i want to be like the other 3 millions crazy asses who're fascinated by Gaga's insane audacity.
 
Not that I don't like you,

I'm just at a party.
And I am sick and tired
of my phone r-ringing.

Sometimes I feel like
I live in Grand Central Station.
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls,
'cause I'll be dancin'.
'Cause I'll be dancin'
'Cause I'll be dancin'
Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be dancin'!

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the dance floor.

Wooooo. And one more time before i go to bed!
Stop calling stop calling i dont want to TALK anymore!
 
 
 
 
Damn! I wish i had the balls to hang out on the street in my underwears. Even though not too sure it'd be such a good idea here in Mexico!
 

What about that outfit for Halloween? Mmm, maybe it's gonna be too cold in October! Jaja. And there is no way i could WALK with shoes this high. Ok, i rule it out then :(

 
 
 
  

Striking News

Did that ever happen to you that with ONE single sentence, someone can piss you off so much or turn you off so bad you don't even want to talk to that person again? Don't want to give him/her any explanation, you just KNOW things cannot work between the 2 of you any longer?
Well it happened to me, AGAIN, yesterday. Except that i DID notice it was happening and thus decided to try to analyse what exactly was going on. What was the sparkle that switch on the entire fireworks of negative emotions towards that person.

The good thing is, i can talk about it here, they will never find out. And even if they would, that'd show them how NARROW-MINDED i think they are.

So far, there are 2 things that are a major turn off for me. Tim, shut up, i know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say that pretty much everything pisses me off and i know it's true in a way. I'm a big time angry person thus a LOT of things piss me off. But it's not about anger i'm talking about right now. It's about the reaction of someone that makes me immediately flip, turn around and stop talking to them for the rest of time.
Yes i know, it sounds a bit extreme and yes, maybe i'm overreacting. But let me tell you something. It has happened in the past, it happened yesterday and i know for sure that if it happens in the future, i will feel exactly the same - i have NOTHING in common with that person.

Those 2 things are pretty simple:
- someone lacking to understand the bond i have with my dog (or the bond anybody can have with his/her pet).
- someone who considers reading or writing a waste of time, something unimportant, useless or plain ridiculous.

Now let me explain the way i see things for a minute. I am not saying i hold the Truth. I will never dare to do such thing. This is just the way i am, the way i feel and i'm not asking anybody to be or feel the way i am. Religious fanatics do that. Not me. I'm just saying that people who don't understand that part of me have nothing to do around me, or in my life.

My dog, the one i have now, as well as all the ones i had in the past, is my everything. She is to me what a child is to a mother. I care for her, i worry about her, i love her like you love a child or a family member. I'm always happy to go back home at night after work because i know she'll be there, because i know i'll see her and she'll be happy to see me too. She loves me like nobody else can or would. There is no grudge, no resentment, no intention to hurt. It's just pure love.
No, she is NOT a child. Of course she's not. She's a dog, not a human being. She costs me shit loads less than a child would, she can be alone at home all day and she'll be under my responsability and care for probably not even half the time a child would. That doesnt make it a lesser relationship. The pain of losing a pet is similar to losing a loved one. And no, you can't just replace your absent dog with a new one. A pet, like a child, is not a pair of shoes that you replace when it's useless.

YOU failing to understand that about me, appears to me like a shell with nothing inside. No heart. No warmth. Nothing. And YOU making FUN of me caring that much about my dog is just, in my opinion, despicable.

As for my problem with people who think a book is as (if not more) dangerous as a machine gun or an atomic bomb, i can only tell them one thing: go watch more TV.
Yes, please, go watch more of that brain-washing crap, think you know the world cuz you've seen it on TV, keep thinking that you're the shit but please, go away from me.
Yes i've read the 7 books of Harry Potter and haven't seen one of the movies, yes, i read a book a week (and not more cuz i dont enjoy reading in spanish as much as in english or in french), no i dont own a tv but no i dont get bored at home. I dont know everything of what's happening in the world. I dont watch or listen to the news cuz i think it's depressing. But i've been to school, i've studied litterature and philosophy, i think reading and writing are two of human's greatest gifts, that reading opens your mind and stimulates your imagination, that it provides you with more vocabulary and awakens your natural curiosity, that it makes you think for yourself and doesnt impose you a point of view, that it makes time passes faster and avoids boredom in a healthy way.
I think there are just a few things that can compare to the excitment of feeling the urge to finish up a book or not to go to sleep until you know what happens next even if it's already 4 in the morning and your eyes are just sooo heavy.

Reading and writing are just exercises for the brain. And just as your body needs to get going and moving, your bain also needs its share of stimulation.

With that said, maybe some will understand why i decided to stop chit-chatting with them from one day to another, from one minute to another even. But again, they'll probably never find out ... I wont lose sleep over it. Oh no. I'll just keep on cleaning my surroundings off of the people who are detrimental to my well-being. It's not being selfish, it's wanting the best for myself.


  

Me and ... My Worse Hangover

I have drunk in the past. Many times. Many times WAY past my tolerance for alcohol, way more than I should have, way more than I could handle. That didn’t really stop me from doing it again, over and over again. Up until that day back in 2008 when I realized that I could drink an inconsiderate amount of vodka and still be decently standing, still be decently “sober”. That day, I freaked out and realized that I was getting closer to being an alcoholic, that I would eventually get hurt or hurt someone in the process and that the time had come that I should stop drinking. One of my friend said that it was a bit extremist, that I could still drink a glass from time to time but I know what I’m like. If I allow myself a glass, than why can’t I allow myself another one, and another one? And then we are back to that vicious circle when you stop drinking only because the bar is closing.

ANYWAY … time has passed … and things have changed. Recently, I finished up a treatment for my asthma that lasted 3 months, 3 months during which I wasn’t allowed to drink caffeine or alcohol. Needless to say that I craved both badly during that time. And the second I could drink a Coke or a coffee again, I didn’t even fancy doing so. Go figure.
Except that I DID end up drinking a LOT of Coke and a LOT of coffee. Maybe that why I’ve been feeling that shitty over the past month. Maybe there IS a reason that I shouldn’t be drinking those. Maybe my doctor was actually right.

All that to say that last Saturday, my best friend Tim was in town, back from Playa del Carmen where he now lives. And it was obvious that we were going to go out. It was also obvious that I was gonna have at least one drink with him. What wasn’t planned though, was that he was gonna buy a bottle of Ketel One vodka, and that it would be just the 2 of us to drink it up. Man does that vodka taste good. It was honestly the best I had in like a lifetime!!! And we were seating basically on the dance floor, bitching about everybody, chatting with the waiter, dancing a bit, drinking a lot, having a blast and before we notice, damn bottle is ¾ empty O_o

And the music was boring so we took off to another “antro”, drank some more there, and to ANOTHER one, drank some more there too until it was like 5 in the morning and I could barely walk, let alone dance or talk.

We walked back to the car, I made a scene (that’s what I tend to do when I’m drunk), went through a side road to avoid the police check point, still got stop at the federal check point but went through no problem, got home, fought a bit more and bed.

Worse night ever. I slept 3 hours then the dogs woke me up. Went back to bed then needed the bathroom. Went back to bed then needed to puke. Hell, I puked my soul out. I was feeling miserable as hell. Went back to bed, realized it was already 2pm but couldn’t bear the IDEA of being standing, slept a bit more, felt more miserable.

I ended up getting out of bed at around 6:30pm, took a shower to finally be partly human being again around 7pm. It was one of those hangover you don’t really have a headache cuz the booze is good quality but you’re dizzy, drowsy, nauseous and all that you’re feeling when you’ve drunk way too much the night before. It’s one of those hangover you swear to god you will never EVER drink again. And this is honestly what I said all day yesterday, what I am still saying today:

“I will never EVER drink again”

PS: I know what you’re saying… Sure, whatever, they always say that. Well I have no intention on feeling that bad any time soon. And since I don’t feel like I NEED a drink to have fun, I probably won’t. But someone HAS to finish that bottle of vodka. There is still a quarter left in the bottle :p