Of Course I Was Going To Write Something On December 31st

This is gonna be the last post of the year ... Obviously ... jaja. I am not gonna wish anybody a happy new year cuz personally, i don't like doing so. I think it's fake, i think the partying involved for NYD is fake, makes me feel old, depresses me as well, everything is packed, overcrowded, over-loud, obnoxious. Hate it. And let's be honest. How tomorrow will be different from today? Apart from the fact that i won't be working, it's gonna be a normal Friday for me. A normal day in the week.

New Year always come with a bunch of good resolutions that you i give up after a week or so. This year is no exception for me. I have made a list of good resolutions for 2010. Except that there is only ONE on the list this year: i want to be happy. I want to take better care of myself, stop making other people happy and working on MY happiness, maybe being a little selfish for a change.

I read a sentence this morning over breakfast that sums it all up:
"Most people have a harder time letting themselves loved than finding someone to love them".
Maybe it's time that i open my heart a bit, maybe it's time that i let go of my discretion and hop on the "seize the day" train, time that i stop looking for the perfect everything when perfection is not part of this world, time to stop making excuses for not being enjoying life fully. As another person said: "it's not because things are difficult that we dont dare, it's because we dont dare that they are difficult"

Well there you have it, my one and only good resolution for this year to come. This year will be my year, my new begining.

2010 ... HERE I COME!

No Title Is Good Enough

This is a post i wished i'd never write. This is a post i so very wished i'd never get to write. Unfortunately, the dreaded time has come. This is an open letter to someone who i hope, will keep on reading these lines. Someone who i'm sure, will know it's for him i'm writing this, about him i'm talking.

I met you against all odds and against anybody's better judgement, pretty much 2 years ago exactly. It was Christmas, it was cold. I had no idea i was letting someone like you getting into my life as much as you did. After some time apart, we finally got to know eachother better and it was just amazing. There are no word that can describe the connection we had have (sorry can't resign myself in talking with past tense). 

You always said you could read me like an open book and jeez did that piss me off :-) but at the same time, it's one of the things that made our relationship so special. I didnt have to explain stuff endlessly, you just knew it already. You knew about my mood switches, my inner pain, my frustration, my rage, my shallowness and superficiality. You knew from the very begining about my incapacity to go over certain stuff.

You once said that escaping is not the answer, that my happiness, i need to find it inside myself, not on the other side of the world. And you're the one who's leaving now. How ironic.
I'm not asking you to stay, you know i wouldnt do such thing, nor would you stay if i'd ask you anyway. I'm incapable of giving you what you want. I'm a coward. I'm too scared of grabbing the happiness you're offering me, too scared of changes, too scared of the unknown. I dont know what happiness is, means, or feels. I've just come to realized that recently. And everything i have realized about myself lately, i owe it to you.

YOU are the one who opened my eyes about it all, YOU made me put a name on my "mal-estar", YOU made me unsterstand where it was all coming from, YOU wiped my tears and pat me on the back. And i just couldn't let go. I couldnt cuz i was scared. Scared of bumping into something so intense, so strong that it would get the best of me. That there would have been no way back.

I know what my problem is now, and it's thanks to you. I will work  on it from now on, i will do my best to be happy. I truly hope we'll meet again. No i wont give you my address, i dont want you to write me the way you asked all of us for our address. I know you'll find a way to let me know. Again, i know that day will happen eventually. We've been watching enough series on tv to know that most of the time, the bad guys end up losing. Even if you've always kept on hoping that one day, the good ones will lose.

You made me understand that my weakness (or what i considered weakness), may also be my biggest strenght, my power to finally reach happiness. I'm not there yet, but i promise you i'll work on it. You said you'll be there every step of the way. You sure will. I dont think there'll ever be a day that'll pass without me thinking of you, worrying for you and missing you.

You've made a nest in my heart and now hold a very special place in it. Be proud. You're one of a very few.

Hope our paths will meet again.

Good luck.
I miss you already.

  

Mmm??!!

I said it in some previous post, my mom always told me NOT to write or lash out "a capella" or at the highest of the heat. Yet, here i am, Xmas morning, 8:30am, still hasnt slept one bit, not even remotedly close to ... 26 hours up and counting. Everybody else around is dying in a forgetting sleep, i'm not. I'm not drunk. I'm just high. Big time. Had no idea typing could be THAT hard and more particularly THAT SLOW. Ok, i knew about it. It just hadnt happened to me in so long i didnt even remember typing with only one finger and still struggle about it.
Being drunk can have some fun part, been there done that -  a million times. Being high is a whole different story. I'm chewing the crap out of my teeth, like i'm planning on going through at least a couple of pairs of set of teeth in a day, i cant walk, i'm mumbling, i'm thirsty as fuck, like i have cardboard in my mouth, my cheeks are dancing the congo (last time it was my hair) and i have hallucinations ...

I had quite a few awesome gifts this xmas. Happy pills were one of them. This is the best xmas EVER.

Thanks Tim!

  

Culinary Orgasm

As some may know already, i dont like Christmas. I used to enjoy it, not anymore. This year is no exception. So after thinking quite a fair bit about what i'll be doing on Christmas' eve, i've decided to spend it with my friend Tim, especially since he doesnt like Christmas either but also because his close family is on the other side of the country (compared to mine on the other side of the world).

Obviously, being my friend, i have a little something to wrap for him to give him for Christmas. Not that (as he said) we have to wait til it's Christmas to actually give gifts away but that's a good occasion anyway.

So i was a bit surprised when he said a few days ago: i got a little something for you and i'm gonna give it to you now. I'd like to say i convinced him not to, that we'd wait until Christmas but i'm not patient and he said he wouldnt be good anymore if we wait until the 25th.

Not good anymore? Mmm, i got curious. And when he headed to the fridge to get my present, i was even more puzzled.

What he put out of the fridge was the BEST PRESENT EVER: it was a selection of mini french pastries: éclairs au chocolat, tarte au citron, tarte aux fraises, tarte au kiwi, chou à la crème, you name it. It was so unexpected, so considerated, such a personal taylor made "present" i had an orgasm on the spot.

And when 2 days later, i had a full size lemon pie just for myself to enjoy, there went the second round ... So if you allow me, i'll go finish eating it right now ...

Something THIS good should be ILLEGAL ... Or at the very least, PUNISHED BY LAW ...

Indigestion, here i come!!

 

What's Going On?

The only thing i feel like writing like, right this second, is aaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh ... So once more, i'll be using someone else's words ... The only difference with me and that song is that i'm not 25 but 32 and that i dont pray, i just hope.



Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?


And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

This is how I’ve been feeling lately ... in a dead-end ... in every single aspects of my life. Professionally, emotionally, personally. Nothing seems challenging any more. And worse of it all, nothing seems appealing anymore. It feels like I’m dead inside, it feels like I can’t feel love or joy anymore. Everything bores me. Big time.

I’m not where I want to be in life. Even though I don’t really know where I want to be. Is it what I want really or is it what she wants for me? Do I want what she wants for me? Do I want to be the person she wants me to be? Do I want to be miserable the rest of my life trying to please her knowing that nothing seems to please her? Is that really what my happiness is all about? Detaching me from my mom and what she wants of me? Stop doing things thinking about what SHE will think about it? Making her understand that I will not take her emotional blackmail again? Making her understand that whatever she thinks of what I do, whether she likes it or not, whatever I’ve done and whatever I will do, whatever mistakes I make and decisions I take, whatever length or color my hair has, whatever language I speak, whatever country I live in, whoever I date, if I have or don’t have children, whatever breed my dog is, whatever job I have, there is one thing that will never ever change: I will ALWAYS be her one and only daughter.


Maybe it’s time you understand I will never be that perfect-in-every-way daughter you probably dreamed I’d be. Maybe it’s time you let me lead my life the way I want to. Maybe it’s time you accept the person I am. Maybe it’s time you let me go. Maybe it’s time you let me be happy.




Maybe it’s time. It’s time.


   

El Problema

Yep ... I guess THAT is the problem, that is EXACTLY the problem ...





El problema no fue hallarte, el problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es tu ausencia, el problema es que te espero.
El problema no es problema, el problema es que me duele.
El problema no es que mientas, el problema es que te creo.
El problema no es que juegues, el problema es que es conmigo.
Y si me gustaste por ser libre, quién soy yo para cambiarte.
Y si me quedé queriendo solo, cómo hacer para obligarte.
El problema no es quererte, es que tú no sientas lo mismo.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo,
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.
Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Y es que el problema no es cambiarte ...
El problema es que no quiero.

El problema no es que duela, el problema es que me gusta.
El problema no es el daño, el problema son las huellas.
El problema no es lo que haces, el problema es que lo olvido.
El problema no es que digas, el problema es lo que callas.


Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estas tan lejos.
El problema no fue hallarte
El problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es que mientas,
El problema es que te creo.
El problema no es cambiarte,
El problema es que no quiero.
El problema no es quererte,
Es que tú no sientas lo mismo.
El problema no es que juegues,
El problema es que es conmigo.

 
 
 
   

X-mas From Hell

There are a lot of people who dont like christmas and i became one of them. My grand-father dying on christmas eve, my family living 10 thousand kilometers away from here, me being single and without kids surely helped pushing me in that direction. Christmas is a family reunion and mine is on the other side of the world. Christmas is also a religious gathering and i'm not religious. So needless to say that december is NOT my favorite month ...
The only think i do like about december is the christmas bonus i get from work ... haha.

I know it's not christmas yet. Still have just under 3 weeks to go. 19 days to be exact. 19 days full of christmas carols, christmas shopping, christmas decorations, christmas menus, christmas trees, christmas colors, christmas reindeer horns for the car, christmas fireworks, christmas candies, christmas sales, christmas parties and i already have a christmas indigestion.

Tonight is our christmas party. I said "our" cause i work for this company. I personally didnt organize it nor would want to have anything to do with it either. We received the invitation a few weeks ago. I can invite one guest. Mmm. There is only one person i'd invite to such a party it's my friend Ivonne and she's in Mexico City at her best friend's weddings for the week-end. So i would end up going alone. Going alone to a party i didnt want to go to in the first place, a party i have no idea who i'd sat with, a party where everybody around would talk about work, a party where we'd only have beer to drink (and not enough servings per person), a party where they serve the same menu year after year, a party held outside when i'm still not through a pneumonia, a party with people i dont want to be around, a party that's gonna finish at midnight, a party on a sunday to make sure that there is nowhere else to go in the aftermath, a party held just to shut people up (when we're not even legally paid double on bank holidays), a party to celebrate the company's 15th anniversary (treating employees like numbers), a party i'll have to smile through pretending i'm having a good time when i'm bored as hell ... well, with all due respect ... NO THANKS ... i'll pass.

The question WHY am i staying there if i'm THAT unhappy with it all could be material enough for another post and surely not our present topic.


So no, no coorporate christmas party for me tonight. And yes, i already know i'll get shit for it and no, i don't really care. You want to give me shit? Please do. Come on, bring it on! Show me what you got.
  

       

What The Hell What That All About ?

A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the heck is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail, examined it, and threw it across the street.
Two years later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What the hell was that all about?"

These 2 jokes never fail ... I can't possible hear them and NOT laugh. They're stupid, they're cheap but as I said, they have this immense power of cheering me up. I can’t possibly stay pissed off when I hear them. And YOU know it.

Why do I put them here today? Do I need cheering up? Yes. I do. Big time. I’m not depressed but I feel blue. And the person this post is dedicated to will know why.

You came clear. So did I. From the very beginning. As always. We’re so very much alike it became scary. We think the same, speak the same, act the same, laugh over the same shit and can spend hours talking about everything and nothing. We both knew friendship between a man and a woman is an illusion. I was hoping we were wrong, I was hoping that once again, we’d be different, that against all odds, it would work out that way. It didn’t.
You decided to back off, to protect yourself, to protect myself as well and since I have more respect for you than for anybody else in this world, I will respect your decision. Even if I don’t like it, even if it hurts, even if it pisses me off and I can’t stop complaining about it.

We haven’t talked in 3 days. It seems like a month. It FEELS like a month. You taught me patience, at least tried to and ever since you told me that joke this is that snail story I think about whenever I feel anger and frustration coming. I’m not saying it’s working perfectly but hey, you also said “take things easy, stop rushing everything!” It’s my impatience kicking in again …

I could go on and on about you, about us, about that friendship of ours but it only reminds me how much I miss you. My phone number hasn’t changed. Call me one day.
















PS: and damn you for writing a post about it all first. I was going to go slow for a change and let it settle for a few days … See … the snail story is working sometimes ^-^

   

Dilemma?

I am not a HUGE football fan (i'm talking soccer here) but there is something i generally don't miss watching, it's the world cup. It's once every 4 years so it's not too addictive!
The advantage of working in a big company is that we have so many different nationalities that you find people to support each one of the 32 teams involved.

My craziness about soccer came in 1998. France was host country for the Mondial, i was then working as a waitress in a bar on the beach, with 5 TV screens tuned on 5 different channels just to make sure every single game could be watched. I am not too sure how many games are played in a Soccer World Cup but i can tell you, in 1998, i saw them all. 
And France won ... 3-0 against Brazil. What were the odds? I could write an entire post on it but it's not really the topic here !!

2002, Korea ... needless to remind me how shameful France did. I just got to Mexico and i feverishly denied having anything to do with those people who, who knows how, managed not to score ONE SINGLE goal. Only 4 years after wining the cup. Anywaysssssss ...

2006, Germany ... i was 4 years in Mexico and i honestly have NO IDEA how France did, have no interest in knowing either. I was supporting Mexico with all my heart (having a Mexican boyfriend at that time surely influenced me but i was so ashamed and disappointed by my national team that it wasnt too hard to convince me!!)

So now. Here we go. 2010, South Africa.

And France, ONCE AGAIN, is creating yet another controversy: did they or didnt they cheat to get qualified? Was is a hand, was it not? I dont really know, i didnt watch the game. But all my crazy soccer fan friends had something to say about it, on their facebook, on their messenger, even the best newspapers in France talked about it: some victories taste like defeats.

ONCE AGAIN, it was a selection without glory, a selection that was pending until the very last game (in which they cheated scoring with a hand) ... way to go.

Being in Mexico for almost 8 years now, it's always been a fact that i would support the Mexican team. At least i know who's playing in it! jaja. I dont know, i guess you tend to support the team of the country you feel at home with. And honestly, i'm not too sure i'm willing on taking all the teasing about France not qualifying the fair way.

So today, i was browsing the net, checking the news, and i realized that the groups were made for the Mondial. I found it through an article that was entitled: FRANCE WELL OFF.

Oh french people and their arrogance. I hated it already. So i clicked on the link, to check who France had "inherited" in its group to get rewarded with such a title. I almost fell off my chair:

France is in group A with host country South Africa, Uruguay and .... Mexico O_o

So there will be a match France vs Mexico. What am i supposed to do? Who am i supposed to stand for?

I am still holding a french passport ... and for convenience, it will most probably stays that way ... But my heart is Mexican ... all the way.

Yo le voy a Mexico ... a huevo ... Que Viva Mexico Cabrones!!