I Have Hot Water!

Close to 6 months after moving into my new house, i am now the proud owner of a brand new boiler AND a gaz connection through the wall (and not through the open window as i used to have up until now).

I mean how insanely outrageous this is?

This means that:
- i can finally take a hot shower in the morning before i got to work instead of giving it an hopeful shot and thinking "what the fuck was i thinking??" the second the icy cold water hit me
- i can take a hot steamy shower at 4 in the morning after a night of insanely crazy wild sex (that i dont get anymore)
- i can wash the month worth of dishes with the decent hope all the stuck grease will be removed instantly (they've been soaking in for days, even with ice cold water, it'd go away!)
- i can sweat my ass off cleaning inside and outside the house and coming out of the bathroom smelling like a blooming rose without fearing i'd get yet another pneumonia!

But the real truth is, i didnt need hot water to do more cleaning ... jaja, who was i kidding? I mean no matter how tough i can be, november is definitely a month you need hot water here. Even if it's Mexico, even if it's the Pacific Coast. I mean, it gets chilly ...

And how was i supposed to receive my parents without that minimum amount of comfort?

Woo freaking hoo!

So What?

Splitting up with someone you're convinced you should be with is hard. I know it was the right decision but it doesnt make it any easier.

People don't want to hear you whine all the time, less of it all about your love life. There is always someone to tell you, oh, come on now, get over it/him, he's an ass, he missed his chance, you deserve better, you'll find someone better, if it's meant to happen it will, he's no match to you and BLA BLA BLA.

What do they know?

I dont want to get over him, i dont think he's an ass, he definitely still has a chance, i dont think i deserve better (or worse as a matter of fact), i think he's perfect, i hope it'll happen again and i believe he's a match for me.

But he needs time.

Time for a kitty cat to lick his wounds and heal his heart.

I'm sad ... and hurt.

And putting up a smiling face to the world is the hardest, toughest thing for me to do. But i can't be carrying the weight of it all the time. Life goes on. I'm alive still. Everything happens for a reason even if i have no freaking clue what the damn reason is right now.

Last night, a friend of mine told me to listen to Pink's song "so what?". Told me it helps him when he feels blue and lonely after a relationship ends. I retorted that i was more in the "sober" mood, wondering how could i feel this good sober?

And then this morning, i got his song stuck in my head ... So consequently, his way of seeing life in tough times ... And i must admit, to my biggest surprise ... it DID cheer me up ...

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright!
I'm just fine
And you're a fool
So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

If only i could actually CONVINCE myself of what i'm singing ...

But as i said ... life goes on ... and while i'm waiting, might as well have some fun =)

PS: Pink does get back with her husband in the end, right? ...

Alone I Break

I've been sick like a pig since yesterday ... couldnt stay at work, had to call the doc so he could give me stronger meds, had a friend of mine bringing me said-meds.
I'm coughing my lungs out, my chest hurts like i've been hit by a truck, i have fever, i passed out once this morning, puked the little food i had managed to ingest today, had hallucinations and can barely stand.

Some pains go beyond words.

I have never felt this lonely in a million years.

And then one song came to my head - here it is:

Alone i break - by KORN
 
Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn't seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I'm ready, heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn't seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?

More to come




PS: i still dont know how to insert a video here but you can check it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryfwfc_946w

I Miss You

It's been 2 days.

It feels like 2 years.

Wonder if my asthma attack has anything to do with it?

Bye Facebook

Today, i have made the HUGE decision to get rid of my facebook account. Well, i'm not getting 100% rid of it cuz i can't face just yet going through all my pictures and photo albums and save them on my computer.

Today i have come to the conclusion that social networking is affecting my well being in a way that i didnt think possible and i have thus decided to give up this addiction.

I have gotten rid of it on my blackberry, i've erased it from my navigation's history as well as from my favorite web pages. I will not let an addiction ruin rule my life ...

I AM BREAKING FREE.

PS: For those of you still willing on keeping in touch with me or wanting to share links and/or videos, my email is still up and kicking ... At least, i'll be able to not read what hurts me most ...



After 12 Days of Blissful Happiness ...

... blueness caught up with me ...

I guess happiness is not meant to last forever.

Damn.

I've Just Married People

Well, kinda.

It sounds surreal for a person like me to say something like this since i dont really believe in the "happily ever after" nor am the kinda person who'd completely lose it over a bouquet's color or the material used for the "chemin de table".

I work for a company that apart from selling tours, also sell wedding packages.
And i must say, my colleague who's in charge of that particular part is doing an AMAZING job with the flowers, the decorations, the organization and most of it all, with dealing with neurotic brides.

How the hell did i end up on the other side of the altar, virtually marrying people then?
Cuz on sunday's wedding, half of the groom's family was from Quebec and speak no other language than french.

God damn them.

So my colleague and friend asked me if i wouldn't mind stepping in and repeat after the minister ... but in french.
And i said "i do".

So here was i, rehearsing my lines in a language i dont speak that well anymore, gathering myself together to pronounce 2 people husband and wife in front of an audience.
Needless to say i was a nervous wreck.
But that was nothing compared to the groom's state. And when he said "oh wow" when he saw his soon-to-be wife walking down the aisle, i was so ready to shed a tear. And i thought, jeez, this isnt my wedding, i dont even know these people and i'm that emotional? Holy crap.

I always said i'd never get married. Well ... seeing the emotional wreck i could become during a wedding that isnt even mine surely didnt make me want to change my mind.

Or maybe it was because i felt so sorry for the groom who's bride was looking like she was having the worse time of her life. I dont know really. But one thing is certain ... weddings are really not my cup of tea.

I Am Writing Again

I mean i am writing again for real, with a pen and paper. Yesterday, for the first time in MONTHS (last time if i recall was in january this year), i grabbed my diary and started writing. And the most amazing of it all, is that i wrote in FRENCH.
THAT hadnt happen in YEARS. I think last time i wrote a line in french in a diary was back in 2006. So that's an eternity ago.

Something has changed in me over the past few days. Or more exactly, something my psy said made me click. That was on monday. I havent stopped smiling since. I'm feeling happy. But i mean a "happy" i can't explain. Everything seems to fall into place, i sleep like a log, i've found the pleasure of writing again (and i did write for about 2 hours yesterday so my wrist was KILLING me this morning), i cant stop smiling like an idiot, i even found an idea of outfit for Halloween when i normally NEVER even want to go out that day and i'm actually excited about it, nothing seems to bother me anymore ...

So i wonder ... is that what normal people feel? Is is gonna last? Do i have a choice? Can i be this happy as long as i want to?

I'd like to believe i have the power to feel that way ... and guess what?
I actually think i do.

  

Internet Has Never Failed Me

... so far!!

When i spent a week vacation in Playa del Carmen last month, i bumped into an animal i had never ever seen in my entire life. Never seen it on TV, in books, let alone in real life. It was looking like a marmot or a squirrel but as big as a badger, with no tail and so shy it was basically impossible to get a close shot picture.

And i got back home without knowing what that animal was. I asked some of my animal-expert friends but how do you precisely describe an animal you've only seen from far away and without a picture of it? I mean i have a lot of faith in my friend's knowledge but i dont really believe in miracles either.

Well today, i finally got a name for it. Looks like my dear friend Tim didnt forget about that little bugger and he sent me a quick text this morning with only 9 words that lightened my day: "the name of the animal you saw is tzereque".

As soon as i got home, i checked on google images and that was it. That was so it. So then i did what i always do in such a situation ... i rush to WIKIPEDIA to get more info about it all. 
I'm not gonna even try to describe the nervous knot that formed in my stomach when i got an error message on the screen saying that that noun did not exist, nor in english, nor in spanish.
Back to google. I found another spelling "sereque" ...
Wiki still doesnt know any of it.
Damn Wikipedia, you've never ever failed me so far, what's the matter with you today?

But that was without counting on the wonders of the Internet. Digging a little here and a little there, and i managed to found the latin name of the damn animal. And i mean if an encyclopedia doesnt recognize a latin name, then i'd known for sure that internet would have failed me big time.

So there i had it: a dasyprocta agouti or Mexican Agouti. That's the name of the little animal that intrigued me so much in Playa del Carmen. And i even learnt they are related to Guinea pigs!

What a wonderful world of technology we're living into!
I love the 21st century!