I believe this is gonna be one of these posts where everybody feels or thinks i'm 10 miles down into depression's abyss but i actually feel pretty good.
I've mentioned this in the past but i came to realize yesterday that it still applies today: i am out of love. Which in my own words, would translate as i have lost faith in love. Completely.
Before i get people throwing themselves at my throat telling me that there is no such thing as being out of love, let me explain a few things.
I have loved in the past. And i truly hope i can say i've been loved as well. Although to be honest, i'm not too sure about that. But that's not really the point here. I think i am a very dedicated person, especially when i have the hots for someone. I give myself up completely and that may be the reason why i tend to end up hurt. Or empty.
It's not that i'm trying to overdo it or make you love me. It's just the way i am. If you're the person who share my life, i'll give it all to you. You can take it or leave it. I'll do it anyway. That way, i know that if the relationship fails, at least i've done and given everything i could and that my everything was not enough for that person in particular.
Problem is ... i tend to lose myself in the process. Giving all that is to the other person, not expecting anything in return. Ever.
And when i get something back, it makes me uncomfortable cuz i'm not accustomed to receive love that way.
Moving on.
As you all know already, i recently broke up with a man i was very keen on for whatever reasons that i will not mention here. A mere 5 weeks later, he apparently already moved on with his life and well, good for him.
I may be wrong but i am still convinced that our relationship has not ended just yet. I mean i believe we still have to walk along together for a while. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, whenever. I so believe we do. But now is not the time.
I thought that hearing he's dating someone else would crush me. It didnt. And when i sat down to "analize" what were my feeling about it all, i was surprised to realized i felt nothing.
But i mean ... NOTHING.
I was blank.
No pain, no hard feeling, no ill-being, no resentment, no regret, no joy, nothing.
And then when i got to talk about it with a friend of mine, after the first sensation of anger i felt knowing that he's dating someone when he said he wanted to be alone for a while, i realized that damn, i didnt really care about it. I felt empty inside.
Emotionally, i feel empty inside.
I feel like nothing can reach me anymore. I feel like my heart is steel-cold and unaccessible. I feel like no pain or ache can get to me anymore. I feel anaesthetized. And i like the feeling about "feeling no pain".
I also realized that i have lost faith in love. I have lost faith in my ability to find someone who will value me for what and who i am, not for what i do for him or her. I have lost faith in relationships. I feel i can't give love anymore.
It seems i can't feel pain anymore.
I ran out of love.
I feel i can enjoy life as it comes.
I have no expectations, thus no disappointments.
I've resigned myself to live and let live.
And the best thing about it all, i'm actually fine with it.
"Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise"
S. Johson
Comfort food, as the name says, is made to comfort you. And a double decker nutella sandwich with a coke for dinner does just that: it comforts me.
I've been needing comforting for a while now, except that i dont get it when i need it, i dont take it when i get it, and i pretty much block everything that comes my way especially if that something will make me feel happy.
I dont mean to.
I just do it by habit. I dont even notice i'm doing it. I'm sabotaging my happiness.
I hope someday someone will make me change, will help me change.
But how can someone not give up on me if I've already given up myself?
I just can't do it anymore.
I wish it would all go away.
We were not born the same day (even though almost)
Nor the same year
Nor from the same mother
Nor in the same country ...
But the more time we spend together, the more i'm convinced we have this we're-from-the-same-womb kinda relationship.
We think the same, act the same, have the same ups and downs, feel the same, have the same tastes, have that same affection for one another and most of the time, dont even need to finish our sentence to understand eachother. We dont need to talk most of the time, just a look suffices.
We're so alike it's even creepy sometimes.
If we're not really twins, then we must have been in a past life. There is no other explanation.
Love you so very much =)
A few posts back, i swore to god that i would never ever drink again. EVER.
There's "ever" in whatever ...
I went out Saturday night, first, to watch Manny Pacquiao's box fight against Mexican Antonio Margarito (who got beaten the crap out of by the way), then to check out a local strip club (never been to one so that was long due) and ended up dancing the night away, including banda music with my 2 lesbian friends at a gay club.
By the time i arrived back home, it was already 6:30am, sun was rising and i was moderatly drunk, the cool morning air not helping whatsoever to drop down my coming hangover. I slept the entire day sunday and had the most un-productive day that someone can possibly have.
What wasnt planned was that i would be invited to the inauguration of a beach/lounge/gay bar downtown on Monday evening, thanks to my super social-skilled friend Mau. Since we arrived as late as can be, we had only a few canapés down our throat but compensated with excessive refills on white wine and champagne. Oh yeah.
So by the time they were closing the bar, we were so very well on our way to one long night ... And we sure did (have one long night).
After making a complete fool of myself at the restaurant we had dinner to by spilling half of my plate of pasta on my skirt, we checked pretty much every single gay bars and clubs of town and ended up in the same place as 2 nights prior (for me).
You do pretty crazy stuff in a gay club but for the sake of our story, i'll just say we danced the night away yet again. Until it was 6am AGAIN.
It was 10am when we finally laid down, so a good 26 hours after i actually woke up the day before and i just couldnt sleep ... At all. Not even remotely tired, not dozzing off, nothing.
So since my dear friend was lost in what seemed delicious oblivion, i decided to take off and get back home. Maybe i could get some rest since i was gonna be in my own bed.
Well i was wrong.
It is now 10:10pm, i'm starting my 39th hour awake, alive and somehow kicking. I've cleaned by bedroom, swept the floor, mopped the floor as well, did the dishes, checked my farm, read a few chapters of a book, took a steaming shower, drank an herbal tea, took some sleep-inducing pills and nothing. I am still wide awake.
THIRTY NINE HOURS STRAIGHT AND COUNTING.
I mean WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?
Say "no" to drugs ... they're EVIL.
GASP
Oh yes she did.
Just before they arrived here in Mexico for a 12 days stay, i had carefully put my sex toys away, that is to say at the very back of my highest closet's shelf. I knew that with my parents here, chances of using them were nonexistent.
Well i should have known better.
While they were here, i took advantage of my dad being quite a handy man to fix stuff in my house, such as curtain rails, kitchen cupboards, fixing a million stuff and so on. While he was doing all that, i found the energy to paint my living room and kitchen. It was more than long due.
But since my parents were sleeping in my bedroom, i had told them that i'd paint the bedroom walls once they're gone so they wouldnt have to sleep in the living room or in the bedroom with paint smell.
I dont know what my mom did or WHY but she thought that painting my closet was also a tall order (and an urgent one with all that) so she EMPTIED my entire closet.
GASP
GASP
GASP
I didnt realized it until she had put everything back inside the following day. Which was one day before they would be departing. And there is no freaking way she couldnt see them. They were neatly stored in their case and my mom opens every single thing she finds to check what she can or cannot trash.
They left today.
First things i checked when i came back home after dropping them at the airport were my toys. My entire closet is upside down, nothing is where it used to be and i was dreading she had thrown them away. But no. They were still in their case, still neatly accomodated and in a complete different location which means she had seens them and/or touch them and just the thought of it makes me uneasy.
She freaked out when she found out, a few years ago, that i have a piercing in my tongue. Now she found my sex toys and most likely also bumped into my lubrifiant bottle when she cleaned the bathroom ... I'd PAY to know what she thought at that very moment.
She must think i'm this depraved, debauched, perv sex addict ...
Which i am ...
At least not yet.
My parents are in town, staying at my place, living me with close to no time at all for myself. And since my mom is already freaked out about the amount of time i'm spending online, i dont want to give her more reasons to freak out than the ones she already has ...
In a few more days, i'll blog again, hopefully with something spicy, witty and funny =)
