It's Your Birthday

I really wish i could stop talking about it, about you. But today is your birthday and how couldnt i? So this is the letter i was meaning to write you some time ago but didnt find the strength to.

You were, are and forever will be my little baby brother. I remember when people were asking me, oh, you have a younger brother, how old is he? And i always had to think twice before answering cuz for me, you were still that little boy i was riding with back from school. We've always got along but the older we were getting, the better it was. 

I remember the bond we had when we were playing together, or watching stupid tv shows before doing our homework. It was the bond of brotherhood. And quite frankly, there isnt anything better in life.

As the years went by, i moved away from France and watched you from afar, struggling to make a living out of your passion but not doubting a single second this was what you wanted to do and where you wanted to be in your life. I knew you werent having it easy but every single time we saw each other over the past 13 years i've been away, it was like we were both living the life of our dreams, careless, carefree, having a ball and laughing our eyes out at eachother's stupid jokes.

And then the unspeakable happened. All of the sudden, i was caught in YOUR world and realized, in complete awe, how much bigger you were than all of us. What you managed to create from your tiny appartment, wow, i dont even know where to start. You succeeded in gathering hundreds of people and making them become this big family that has now lost their leader. You were admired and respected by people much older than you were, much more experienced than you were and yet, still managed to stay the reserved, humble, down to earth person i was lucky to grow up with.

Words cant even start to express how proud i am of you. How unbelievably proud i am of what you did with your life, of how many people you've inspired and somehow influenced for many years to come. You truly became a hero that so many admired, me included.

You've taught showed us that no dream is too big, that nobody is too small and that determination and faith go more than a long way. 

I wish i had had the chance to tell you this. I wish i could have held you in my arms to tell you how proud i've always been of you, tell you how much i love you and how much i thought of you all the time.

You're gone now. I miss you like i didnt even think it was possible to miss someone. It's like i have this massive hole in my heart that nobody can ever fill up completely. I think about you all the time, about all the things we still had to share, all the things we still had to talk about or laugh about, all the thing that you had to teach me and maybe also, the things i had to teach you.

I hope, wherever you are now, that you know how much we miss you. Life will never be the same again. They say you're in a better place. Well, better or not, this place here is a lot worse without you. But life aint always fair. And with you gone, it sometimes feels like the sparkle in my humble life will never glitter again.

Happy 33rd birthday lil'bro.

Love you ... now and always.

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way.  ~Pamela Dugdale

Asshole

Tonight, and for a change, i listened to my mom's advice and made an appointment with an homeopath. Why? Because as i said in an earlier post, my brain is like a flat tire, it's exhausted and i badly NEED to be on top of my game for everything that is awaiting me. AND, to try to get some sleep cuz 5hrs a night is definitely not enough. Call it stress, depression, mourning, or plain exhaustion, bottom line is i'm suffering from insomnia, it's been going on for a couple of weeks now and it's bothering the hell out of me. 

And i refuse to take sleeping pills. Mostly because i'm allergic to one too many things already but also because i know myself and i'd get addicted to it in no time. 

When i told that to my shrink, she was enthusiastic about the idea and recommended me the best homeopath in town, bragging about how good he was and everything. So i called and got an appointment for the same day, today.

After i gave him the usual info regarding my little self, and told him a bit the reason why i was there, he stood up to check my eyes (apparently you can tell a lot about someone from the iris and i think that is creepy as hell).

And then he started what felt like lecturing me, about being selfish when we lose someone or something, about keeping all my love for myself without passing it on to a child, that it's wrong to keep it inside and not share it and even comparing losing a brother to losing a bag.

HOW THE FLYING FUCK IS LOSING A BAG REMOTEDLY CLOSE TO LOSING A BROTHER??? AND WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TELL ME I DONT GIVE MY LOVE AND PASSION TO ANYBODY? HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHAT I DO AND DONT DO? HOW DARE HE ASSUME I'M KEEPING IT ALL IN? WHY IS HE INSINUATING I NEED TO HURRY UP TO HAVE A BABY? WHAT IF I DONT WANT ONE? AND WHY THE HECK DOES HE TALK TO ME SAYING "WE"? I DONT KNOW YOU, WE'RE NOT "WE" AND I'M NOT "WE" EITHER! 

I answered back to him a few times in a pretty snappy way and i believe he sensed that i was about to stand up and punch him the face. And when i WAS actually going to just get the hell outta there, he gave me a prescription for some homeopathic meds and told me to come back in a week to check if the treatment had had some effects already and then again in 3 months before i leave so he can give me another treatment if needed be.

I am NEVER going back to see that man. 

What a complete ARSE.

I hate him.

I was so angry when i stepped out of his practise i almost puked. And he's supposed to make me feel better? I hope his meds work better than his human skills.

ASSHOLE.

I'm Breaking Free

I have a lot going on. And by a lot, i mean A LOT. I actually need to follow my shrink advice and make a to-do list of all the loose ends that need to be tie up.

I havent been doing great lately and i really feel like my brain is about to implode. Actually, my doctor said that it's a normal "feeling" and that's generally the first signs of something more serious called depression: your brain is exhausted.

What do you have? I have brain exhaustion. LOL.

I shouldnt laugh, it really isnt funny. But i have this mental image of a brain looking like a cartoon flat tire... 

Anywaysssss.

So here i was, this morning over breakfast, doing the usual, harvesting and planting shit in my farm when it kinda hit me in the face: I AM ADDICTED TO FARMVILLE. And that bloody addiction is taking a tremendous chunk off of my free time hence diverting me from my need to be done. 

And trust me, when you're about to move back to your home country after 11 years abroad, a lot need to be done. Especially when you realize that almost half of January is already gone and that there are only 3 months left. And i thought it'd take forever. If i'm not more careful, by the time i'll wake up tomorrow we'll be in April already and none of what needs to be done will be.

So today, i took the time to advice my FV friends that i wouldnt be playing anymore. I've been an avid player for about 2 years now and i've met some amazing people thanks to it. They know who they are (wink wink). And when i made it back home, i cleaned up everything on each of my 8 farms, sent gifts to my friends, changed the set up on my newsfeed so i dont get any more FV notifications and BLOCKED the app. O_o

It's been 10 minutes. It feels weird. But a nice kinda weird. It feels like i'm breaking free from something that ceased to be fun and had started to control my life and my free time. I'm becoming the owner of my life again. How cool is that? 

It's Official

Since i have sent that letter to my boss, the news is now official: 

I AM MOVING BACK TO FRANCE.

I know it might comes as a surprise for some of you, especially after such a long time abroad, but sometimes, life gets in the way of the best set plans.

As most of you know already, last September, i lost my one and only brother Antoine in a motorcycling accident. Needless to say it's been an emotional roller-coaster over the past few months. Some days are ok, some days are plain awful. And even though i know time heals pretty much everything, i personnally think that time is not working fast enough.

The idea of going back has come to my mind pretty much since the second my cousin took me back to the airport, as i waived my parents goodbye. My parents, in tears, on the sidewalk in front of my brother's appartment. Hadnt i had a house and a boyfriend in Mexico at the time, i wouldnt have hesitated a single second. Cuz at that particular moment, the only question that was going through my mind was: what the heck am i doing?

I should have stayed. 

Then things went sour with now ex-Dear Beloved, and Christmas came, and NY celebration came and the more i thought about it the more it made perfect sense. 

I mentioned it to my parents at the end of November but i dont think they realized i already made the decision of moving back. And that is was a decision i made a long time ago. I want need to be closer to my parents. I need to be there for them probably as much as i need them to be there for me. We're in this together. And will always be.

I am not leaving tomorrow. I have a lot to take care of here before i event think about moving back, selling my house being quite a big one! But i'm planning on moving back at the end of April, early May at the latest. May 5th being kind of a deadline date for me since it'd be the 11th anniversary of my life in Mexico.

11 YEARS. It's a lifetime almost. It hasnt been always easy, but i've got to do incredible stuff, and meet amazing people that i will keep in my heart for many years to come. Thank god for today's technologies to stay in touch easily.

I'm about to close a big chapter of my life. I'm not turning a page, i'm closing a book and about to start a new one. I'll be a foreigner in my own country. It will be a massive cultural shock all over again. I'll need a job. I'll need a home. I'll need to make friends. I'll need to get use to the money. I'll need to re-adjust to what  living in Europe is. And i'll most likely blog all about it!

Meanwhile, i'll try to enjoy my remaining time here, as well as the people who had become my family away from home.

I'll miss you all, some more than others.

Until we meet again...

I Dont Want To Cry Anymore

This is it. 2012 is finally coming to an end and honestly, i'm eagerly waiting for that new promising year to begin. Not because my life is going to change dramatically over the next hours but because i want this celebration and greetings and best wishes times to be over.

Tonight, i wont be celebrating. And there are a few reasons behind it. The first one, and i think that is one pretty good reason to be honest, is that i'm sick. And my doctor this afternoon was adament: i urgently need to rest. If he could tell that to my boss, i'd appreciate by the way ;)

It's nothing serious, i just got a sore throat but i'm also on the verge of exhaustion and i badly need to just chillax.

The second reason, and i believe it is a pretty damn good second reason as well, is that i am in no mood for a let's-pretend-i'm-having-fun celebration when i'm crumbling down inside.

I miss my brother so freaking bad. It was already hard over Christmas, especially when i talked to my parents, who received the photo album i made for them with the help and participation of dozens of my brother's friends, it's now even worse for new year. 

Why?

Cuz everybody is wishing me the best for 2013, hoping i wont have to go through such a traumatic experience again, cuz all his friends (some of them have become mine now) are mentioning him somehow when it comes to talk about what 2012 brought them (or took them in that case) and cuz whether i want it or not, until it'll be a year, we'll all have to go through experiencing our first everything without him.

It's been 4 months. How much longer will it hurt? How much longer is it gonna take for the pain to go away? How much longer will i cry for? How much more tears do i have? When will i stop missing you this much? Why did you have to go? What is the bigger plan behind all this? Is there even a bigger plan? Are you trying to tell me something?

Light my way lil'bro.

Light my way.

To a better 2013.

But please, i dont want to cry anymore.