Stuff No One Told Me

Or maybe they did tell me and I didn't listen. Or hear. Or pay attention. Or maybe I was stupid enough to think they exaggerated!

If I might allow myself with a little piece of advice for every first-time-mom-to-be: IT'S TRUE! Pretty much everything people tell you you'll eventually endure after giving birth is true. I agree on the fact that every pregnancy is different. As every woman's experience about giving birth is different. So I won't pretend to hold the holy answers about them all but in my experience, these are some of the few things i've heard at some point but probably decided to take them lightly. Big mistake.

- If you breathe properly, contraction's pain can be "controlled".

No. It can't. You'll feel that your body is about to burst open. And that you want it all to end. And you'll wonder why on earth did you get yourself into this in the first place. And can I get an epidural already?

- An epidural doesn't hurt.

Trust me, it does. And i'm not the sensitive to pain kind of person, i'd even say i'm pretty tough when pain is involved but an epidural hurts like motherfucking HELL. Picture a needle going into your spine for crying out loud. How can that not hurt?

It's supposed to numb the pain of the contractions but your legs don't answer your commands anymore and you might as well pee or poop right there, you wouldn't know, you don't feel shit. 

- A C-section is not a real childbirth and it doesn't hurt as bad as a natural birth.

The next person to say one of these 2 things will get hit in the face. With a hammer.

I wish a c-section on NOBODY. First of all because it is, in my opinion, the worse way of giving birth. The dad can't be there because it's surgery. You, as a mom, are completely passive and you're just enduring the birth of your child feeling completely useless.

Second of all, you don't see what's going on obviously (i don't think you'd enjoy watching the surgeon cutting you open and pulling your baby out ...) but since I asked because I wanted to know ... Once the cut is made, the surgeon put his hand inside of you to pull the baby's head towards the new exit door. Then (and i felt it even though I had an anaesthesia) he kneads your belly to pop the baby out, just like you'd do to pop a zit. Then again for the placenta. Then he'll vaccuum your insides and stitches/stapples you up.

- You'll get sick and you'll most likely puke.

You haven't eaten in AGES, you have asked for an epidural, if the birth doesn't present itself well, you'll get a rachianaesthesia on top (same as an epidural but stronger), you're tired, you're in pain and since the ob/gyn will knead your belly, you'll want to puke. Except that you can't feel your stomach contract. Except that you don't have anything in to puke. So it's like at the dentist when they tell you to spit and you can't. You're lying on your back, you can only turn your head on the side. You'll drool/vomit in your neck. It's disgusting/nasty/gross/all of the above.

- You'll lose all your dignity.

I can't tell about a natural birth but as far as I've heard, it's the same. In my case, since i had to go through recovery, I didn't get to see my baby straight away. But you're in those hospital robes, with a tube in to drain your bladder, you're bleeding from down there, you obviously haven't waxed in ages (too painful) nor shaved (first because my beautician would kill me and second because you haven't been able to reach your ladyparts in quite some time!), you can't stand so you have to pee in a bedpan, you need the help of 2 nurses to try to stand a mere 12 hours after surgery, you take a shower sitting on a stool with the door open and a nurse in your room in case you fall, you'll feel like a hundred years old walking all folded up to ease the pain and you'll let the nurse check your bleeding on the gigantic pads the hospital gives you (oh, and the net underwear you get ... glamour at its peak!)

- You'll get contractions.

You thought you were done with it? NOPE. You'll still get some AFTERWARDS. I mean seriously. Isn't it enough as it is? They're less painful than the one BEFORE but still. Contractions! For crying out loud!

- You'll produce milk.

You can take all the meds you want to cut it (if you don't want to breastfeed your baby), you might thing that you're gonna get through without enduring this but no. You're in for some kick ass pain. Your boobs, all of the sudden, are three sizes bigger than usual, they're hard as stone, they're painful as hell and they leak. Yep. It feels like you have implants good enough for shooting a porn video but they're dripping milk. You feel like a cow. Honestly. And just looking at them is painful.

However (it worked for me), putting cabbage in your bra can help decongest them and cut the milk production. Not to scare you though but i read that a woman who gave birth recently is naturally programmed to produce milk and HEARING a baby scream can stimulate the production. Being in a maternity ward, i let you imagine!

- Last but not least, you'll get tired. And stressed up but mostly tired.

And by tired, I mean EXHAUSTED. You feed your baby every 3 hours, and in between two feeds, you also have to change him/her, wait for the burp and try to get some rest as well. Needless to say that whether you're at home or still at the hospital, sleeping in slices of a couple of hours is not enough. The slightest thing to do becomes an insurmountable task, you'll cry a tremendous lot because you're desperate for some sleep and some rest, you'll lose your temper, you'll feel guilty like hell about it, you'll want the baby to go to hell for a few hours just so you can rest, you'll feel guilty about having such thoughts. And you'll stress up and worry about everything. Is the baby hot? cold? hungry? is the diaper full? is it the right color? is she eating enough? too much? is a burp not out and hurting her tummy? is she tired? how can i get rid of her hick-up? why is she squeaking? does she need a pacifyer? can she breathe properly? how do i clean her nose? can she finally fall asleep so i can sleep as well?

I'll finish up with just one more thing: it's worth it. It's totally worth is. It's normal to feel helpless and oh so tired. But seeing your baby smile and make faces, grab your finger in her tiny hands, open her eyes wide to see and discover the world around her or simply watching your baby sleep makes it all worth it.

Don't hesitate to talk to friends who had babies, to ask stupid questions, to reach out for help with the simplest things. Leave the baby with the dad or the grand-parents for a little while, even if it's just for 20 minutes and go for a walk, or take a bath or make yourself a nice cup of your favorite coffee, read a book in front of the fireplace or take a quick nap. It'll make a world of a difference in your day. 

Thousands and thousands of moms around you have been through this. You can do it.

Pregnancy and Childbirth From Hell

So how are you? How did it go? Everything went well?

NO.

Not in the slightest way my delivery or even my pregnancy went well. 

The look on people's face when you answer a big fat no to "did the delivery go well?" ... Priceless.

Why on earth is that everybody assumes that because your baby is finally here and that you're finally back home that everything went well. Honestly, NOTHING went well. Nothing at all.

And no, it's not because i am indeed finally home with my beautiful baby girl that I'm gonna forget all the bad things that happened to me prior. Hell no I'm not gonna forget. I'll move on, yes, but I won't forget. And there is a very good reason to this: this is how my daughter's life started. 

My pregnancy got cut short. And thank god it did. It's been a very difficult first trimester, not because i was sick or nauseous or any of the classic inconveniences you can face at the beginning of a pregnancy but simply because I had that massive black cloud of my miscarriage hovering above me. During the second trimester, we were told that the baby was too small for its age, so there were the plethora of exams and check-ups and this and that. I was going to the hospital at least once a week.

And for the icing on the cake ... Last trimester ... Baby still small, i should get an ultrasound a week as well as two monitorings a week. By week 33 (which for us, was week 31 and a half but let's not dwell on that), i got told that they'll most likely induce labor between week 34 and week 36.

Since the baby was doing just fine (no kidding), they decided to wait just a few days short of week 37. 

It was a Thursday afternoon. Since the baby was small (estimated weight of 2kg then), they decided to go through all 4 steps of "smooth" labor: 

- the balloon first (inserted inside in order to detach the water sack from the cervix), set for 24h

- the "plug" - looks like a tampon that diffuses hormones in order to accelerate labor and trigger contractions ... Another 24h.

- an hormonal gel (same job as the tampon) ... 6h

- and last but not least, in the delivery room, with an IV to stimulate the contractions hence accelerating the distention of the cervix.

I went in the delivery room at 3pm on the Sunday. My man slept on the floor on Friday night and on our inflatable mattress on Saturday night. Needless to say, he was pretty much in the same state of exhaustion than i was. 

11pm or so, on Sunday, i got the epidural. It was a disaster. The anaesthetist was scaring me, the nurse was a bitch. I was losing it. I was exhausted, i was scared, Bruno couldn't be with me, tears were rolling down my eyes uncontrolably, I was shaking so bad from all the tension that was packing on for the past 4 days that it took for freaking ever. Or so it seemed.

Except that nothing went as planned after that. At around 1am, as they were increasing the dose i was getting in the IV, the baby's heart rate dropped. As the midwife said, talking about the baby: "she just made the decision for us".

She couldn't take it anymore. I was gonna get a c-section.

I couldn't stop crying.

After all we'd been through, i would be a lone spectator at my delivery. Bruno wouldn't be able to be there since i was going for surgery. I wasn't gonna participate nor see anything since they cut you open and it all happens behind a curtain.

I was struggling not to fall asleep. I wanted to puke so bad. I couldn't feel my right arm. I was scared. I wanted to be over with. I wanted to sleep.

I got to see my baby for a split second before they took her to the pediatrician. All i saw of her was that she had hair. I stayed on the table for another 15 minutes or so, just for them to get the placenta out, vaccuum my insides and close me up. 

The surgeon apologized a few time that he had to cut right in the middle of my pelvis tattoo. I couldn't care less to be honest. But i thought it was nice of him to feel sorry about ruining my tat'. 14 stapples later (and who knows how many stitches inside), i went to the recovery room for 3 never-ending hours, dying to be with my baby and my man. 

Best moment of it all: when i got to have her on my chest. I could have stayed like that for ages. But all good things have an end ...

I spent another week in the hospital. It was hard, i cried a lot since again, i was pretty much on my own most of the time (Bruno spent all the time he could with me but he had to go back to work and since the hospital is not very arranging for the new dads ...). And the nerves got the best of me ... After all i endured, i just couldn't take much more any more. The nursery nurses offered to take my baby for the night so i could rest. I cried my eyes out in guilt but truly appreciated to get a 7hrs straight night. 

Long story short, we're finally back home. All together like the family we now are. We do as we see fit for our baby girl. Maternal instinct kicked in and with a baby, you just know what is best for her. She's a very good baby. Quiet. Calm. And to all the people who keep on telling us "it won't last", i tell them: SCREW YOU. After all we've been through, we deserve to have some peace of mind and a quiet baby. You might have had a terrible few months with yours but you most likely didn't have to endure what we had to. So instead of being jealous of what we enjoy now, wish us the best instead!

So after a total of 14 ultrasounds, 27 monitorings, 72 hours of labor inducing techniques, 9 hours in the delivery room, it's by c-section that our beautiful baby girl Lucie was born, on Halloween.