A Month & A Day

That is the time that has passed between my last day at my ancient work and now. Why is that any important? Because i have been officially notified that i am NOT an adventure girl anylonger.

I've always wanted to write the following sentence:
This is the end of an adventure and the begining of a journey. Why? Cuz as i said, i am now not a Vallarta Adventures worker any longer (officially or legally) but a full time Journey Mexico employee.

After 8 long years with a company that didnt even bother to say goodbye when i left, i am now working as an operation coordinator for this awesome company, for these awesome people and in such a great work environment!

Am i lucky? No, i dont believe in luck.

I have what i've always wanted. I have what i wanted to have for a very long time. And since i wanted hard enough, i got it. Period.

Who knows where this will take me but it'll be something good i'm sure.

Have i missed VA? No.

And to be truly honest, i havent missed it one single second.
Am i missing my old job? No.

It surely has been weird at first to pass in front of the pier, to see cruise ships in port and not stopping but i dont miss my old job no. I enjoyed while it lasted, i truly enjoyed the people i worked with over the years but the job itself, no, i dont miss it.

I guess it's when you dont have things that you realize how much you loved and needed them. Does that mean i didnt love or need my job at VA? I guess not.

I'm on a different boat now, on a different ride. I'm heading to somewhere new. And it's exhilarating!

I dont know what i'll do, but i'll know it'll be good.

My journey has began!

Thank You

Thank you for always cheering me up
Thank you for giving me that confidence that i sometimes lack
Thank you for believing in me
Thank you for teaching me how to be happy
Thank you for showing me how to let go
Thank you for showing me the light when i only see darkness
Thank you for holding my hand when i need comforting
Thank you for your morning smile and your afternoon hugs
Thank you for being you
Thank you for sharing my life ...

I


Love


You



Now and Ever

I Don't Have a Cel Phone

OMG ... I mean OH MY FREAKING GOD, i don't have a cel phone anymore O_o

Today marked my official last day at Vallarta Adventures so i went to the office to give back all my babies: my laptop, my radio and my dear beloved blackberry!
I'm starting my new job tomorrow and supposedly i'll get a new phone from there but in the meanwhile, well, i'm cel phone-less.

I feel naked.

I haven't been without a cel phone in 12 years. TWELVE YEARS. I mean it's like i'd tell you, ok from now on, we're gonna take one of your arms away from you. Hey but hold on, i need it! I'm used to it now, i've been carrying it around for ever!

Is that addiction or what?

If i dont get a new phone tomorrow, i'll go straight from work to telcel and get a pink blackberry. Oh hell yes =)

La la la la, la la la la, eh eh eh, goodbye ...

I've been waiting to write this post for quite a few days now but it wasnt exactly official yet. Well it kinda was, but not quite. Ok, whatever!

A few weeks ago, i quit my job.

Well, it started with a meeting with my boss telling him that i wasnt happy with my job anymore, that i didnt enjoy it the way i used to, that it wasnt fullfilling enough and that working 2 to 4 days a week wasnt floating my boat any longer.
And then that perfect job opportunity popped into my life pretty much unexpectedly. When i went for the interview, the guy who interviewed me (my first boss at the job i've just left) made a description of what i'd call the perfect job, the job i've always wanted to have, along with the possible profesional growth i've always wanted. So when i met my soon-to-be new boss for the last final interview and she asked me to describe my ideal of a job, i told her, please, bring him back in and have him describe what i'll be doing ... THAT is my ideal job!

The law of attraction in all its power.

AWESOME.

Yesterday was my last day at work. I hate goodbyes so i tried to cut it short, knowing that people who'll genuinely miss me (and vice versa) will remain in my life.
I pulled out the job i was supposed to and the way it was supposed to be done for one last time.
I wrote a goodbye email to all those people i've been working with on a daily basis. I'm thankful for the opportunity i've been given, i truly enjoyed the ride and i am grateful of the people i got to meet and/or work with but it was time to do something that would make ME happy.
Strangely enough, i have ZERO nostalgy.

I am so ready to move on onto something new, challenging and different. I'm done being the i'm-on-top-of-my-game employee - at least for now ... i am now going to be the new i-know-nothing-yet girl who comes to work with her note book and a pen to take notes on what's to learn.
And i'm oh so excited.

I even changed my job's profile on facebook at it appeared on my profile that "Mathilde has left her job at VA". Just like that. Cristal clear ... I couldnt stop reading it. It made the entire concept so much more real. I just loved it. So did 5 other people as well! The wonders of social networking!

I've been working for this company 8 years ...

Ni las gracias me van a dar ...

PS: and the best of it all ... i dont have to wear a uniform anymore! woooo

Wednesday Off ?? Really?

For the first time in around 9 years, i am off on a wednesday. When i come to think about it, i dont think it has happened to me EVER. Apart when on vacation, i always worked on wednesday. And since i've been working with cruise ships, wednesday has always been the busy looong day of the week, with up to 4 ships in port and me running around the maritime terminal like a headless chicken, starting my day at 6am and gloriously arriving back home at around 9pm.

Well, a few weeks ago, Carnival Splendor's machine room had the good idea to set up on fire. I'll pass you on the end of the world type of situation people had to go through to get their ass sailed back to San Diego, point is, damages were way more serious than initially evaluated and damn ship had to go to dry dock to fix up everything.

Added to that, one of the wednesday ship that is now coming on tuesdays, another one chartered to Hawaii for the entire month of January and the 4th one which is starting to come to port next week.

Conclusion of it all: i am off today ... On a wednesday.

And that throws me completely off.

I have no idea what time it is or what day it is. It feels like a sunday but Post Secret hasnt been updated today (cuz it's not sunday), i wanted to call a friend to chitchat but she's working, buses are packed full of students coming out of school  and traffic is insane.

Just like a normal wednesday.

So tomorrow thursday will most likely feel like a monday and i'm gonna be completely off for the rest of the week, having no clue what day is it. And we have a ship on friday which is normally my day off. And my internet sales' colleagues has a new girl to cover her on the week-ends so i'm not gonna be working at the office anymore on sundays.

Yeah, well, it's gonna feel like i'm a tourist with no clue what day is it ... except that, well, i'm not on vacations.

Damn.

PS: just found out that wednesday is also called hump day, which i dont know what it means so if someone would be so kind as to explain it to me ... i'm too lazy investigate this one thorugh.

PS2: yes the second illustration doesnt have much to do with the post but i like the face of the woman riding the turtle and guess i could have written an entire post about it ...

What Do You Ask?

What do you ask the new year when you already got it all?

That's the question that came to my mind on new year's eve when i had the grapes in my hand ready to pop them in my mouth. Oh yeah, in Mexico, there is this tradition that on new year's eve, for each of the 12 strokes that calls midnight hence the new year starting, you shovel down a grape and wish for something.
So technically, you wish 12 things for the new year.

One second.
One stroke.
One wish.

I realized i've never had 12 wishes ready to wish for so i always end up, after 2 or 3 wishes thinking, shit, what could i wish for next, then realize i'm already 5 wishes behind, shovel down my remaining grapes and think sod it, next year i'll be better prepared and i'll make a list with 12 wishes that i can think off at that particular moment.

Needless to say i've never done such list. And this year was obviously no exception.

So there i was, with my little bag of grapes in my hand, realizing that in just a few minutes from then i'll be having cold sweats thinking of what could i wish for. And that's when it stroked me in the face. I dont have any special wish for this coming year. I really feel like i have it all already.

I have a house i adore, a boyfriend i love to bits, a cat (just rescued another one today), a car that works decently (that just broke down 3 days ago), a pretty good health (although there is definitely room for improvement here), a job that doesnt fullfill me any longer but provides me with economic stability, plans for this year to do voluntary work, amazing friends and a great family. What can i possibly ask for?

And i couldnt find more than just a couple of things to wish for for 2011. And it wasnt even for myself ...

I guess when you finally find happiness, the only thing you truly wish for is not for this happiness to keep going on but for your loved ones to finally find their own too =)

And that's what i wished for this year.

All the best to YOU. If i can have it all, so can you ...

The One I Get Puked On

I'm on foot again ... two pulleys in my car's engine broke down, along with their base, all red lights turned on on the dashboard and i ended up driving another kilometer or so barely able to turn the driving wheel.
Awesome.

I said it earlier, i dont mind taking the bus, even though at 6pm it's definitely not the most pleasant experience. But let's be honest, it's winter here so people dont sweat that much so it's actually ok. Even after an 11.5 hours worth of work, standing on the pier. I even got to sit down so the 20 minutes were gonna be pleasantly rocking.

Well it WAS actually pleasant until the little kid i was seating next to started feeling sick. And he was signing his dad sitting behind me that he wanted to puke. And i thought, hey, no big deal, little guy is sitting by the open window, he's old enough to have common sense to puke at the window if needed.

Well i was wrong.
I was so very wrong.

Little punkhead stood up and puked his gutts onto me. Well on my lap and legs. And it ran down my socks and shoes. And it was gross. The power of his puke also covered the shirt of a guy standing next to me in the alley. I think we both laugh. I dont know why i thought it was funny.
Punkhead's dad immediately took his shirt off and handed it to me so i could "clean" myself, but really, i didnt care. I felt sorry for the kid since he'd been desperately trying to make his dad understood that he really DID want to puke.

The first thing i thought was, damn, do those things really only happen to me? Does it have to happen after my longest day of work, that very same day i'm exhausted and my legs are killing me? At least it's something funny to talk about to wrap up 2010.

Hope punkhead feels better =)

Whoopsy ... on Apologizing and Holiday Wishes

The least i can say is that December will not have been the most productive month there is. I'm talking blog wise. This is the 3rd post this month and there's only 3 days left to this month (and year) and i have no inspiration whatsoever.

There are 3 reasons to this lack of inspiration:
- i've been seriously sick hence wreck-tired
- i've had quite a fair amount of work (and no day off in 11 days)
- and i have a new boyfriend (it's been a month now)

And you all know that when i'm happy, i'm not productive when it comes to writing.

So it was just a little hi, passing by, to re-assure all of you who actually read this blog that i am still alive and somewhat kicking, that i am looking forward to welcoming this new year and while i'm at it, wish you all a fantastic 2011.

All the best =)

Painfully Exhausted

It sucks. I mean this is the holiday season, work is finally booming, it's almost time for present unwrapping and for once i'm actually excited about it and i'm sick. Like bad-ass sick. It's my 2nd bronchitis in 3 months and i'm currently dying.

Since it's the 2nd time in such a short amount of time, i've been given some super powerful drugs that make me nauseous or hallucinating. And no, it's no fun.

My chest is so sore from the coughing, my entire body aches, i feel like i've been run over by one of the those packed-to-the-roof-i'm-way-over-the-speed-limit city bus that passes around the corner of my house, i can barely breathe and i'm just exhausted.

I need want to be on top again to enjoy this jolly time! I can't believe i'm actually looking forward to my Christmas dinner and Chirstmas day.

There are only 2 good things in my life right now:  i got my cat back today and my boyfriend is the sweetest pie of the world ...

Happy Christmas y'all =)

Me and ... Fraggle Rock

A few days ago, i got back on Facebook ... I know, i know shame on me. Whatever. After saying that i've been feeling anaesthetized for the past week or so, i felt i could go back safely. And i did. And guess what?

I felt nothing.

But that's not really the topic here.

So a few days ago, i read on Facebook a little "favor" a lot of people were asking for: change your profile picture for a cartoon image from your childhood to protest againt violence towards children.
I honestly don't think that changing my profile picture on Facebook is gonna do any beaten kid any good but hey, doesnt cost me to do it anyway. So i did it.

Well.

from left to right: back row: Mokey, Gobo, Red - front row: Wembley, Boober

It was supposed to be from Nov. 23rd through Nov. 30th and it took me like 3 days to figure out, shit, what cartoon really marked my childhood, considering i've never been a tv person.
And the only one i could remember off was Fraggle Rock. And then i realized that it is NOT a cartoon. It's like a muppet show. But i thought, fuck it, it is something kids watch, it is something I watched when i was little and that made me dream of finding a hole in my wall and tunnels that lead to Fraggle Rock and meet all the characters and shit and dreading to bump into a Gorg or that one of the gorgs would actually eat a fraggle cuz you know when you're a kid you don't know for sure the good ones are gonna make it and the bad ones are gonna loose. And i was having nightmare about those gorgs and i so wanted to be in Fraggle Rock and obviously i was identifying myself to one of them even though back then i didnt really understand why this one more than another one ...

shit they're still scary :s from left to right: self proclaimed King and Queen of the universe and their son Junior

Who am i?
Oh come on! If you're read this blog more than once, or if you actually know me in person, you already know now don't you. I'm RED =)
Here's a quick description (from my dear beloved wikipedia) of who she is (hence who i am) ...

Red has an exuberant and athletic nature; she is one of the best swimmers among the Fraggles. She is also highly cynical of her friends' plans and ideas and often teases Gobo about his Uncle Traveling Matt (occasionally yawning while he reads the postcards). Red, like Gobo, wants to be in control, and there is often friction between them over who should be the one in charge. During the course of the show, Red and Mokey become roommates. Red has a yellowish orange hue, red hair, and wears a red sweater.

She wants to be in charge, doesnt like authority, is sarcastic ... I mean she even have red-hair. And she's also the goofball of the pictures (i can't seem to find one single picture online where she looks "decent").

So for about a week now, i've changed my profile picture to Red's picture (her name is the french version of Fraggle Rock was Maggie) and i now remember that a friend of mine actually said once that i even look like her (i mean, ok, there might be some resemblance in characters but physically, excuse me, but no. I'm not yellow, i dont have long hair, let alone pigtails and i'm not like, OK FINE i look like her ... shit (** sight ** heavy sight**))

So now, every time i've been checking my FB or my farm, i've seen the cartoonized me and want so bad to get the collection of Fraggle Rock on DVD.

Dear Santa, i've been a very good girl (smile heavily loaded with meaning) - even when i've been naughty i've been very good at it.
I WANT FRAGGLE ROCK ON DVD.

And i still havent figured out how to post a video so anyway, there you go ... just the way i used to watch it ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SK5DTAZ5pq4

Entrez dans la danse, les soucis n'ont pas de chance
La musique commence, ca c'est fraggle rock
Oubliez la danse, le travail c'est votre chance
Que les jeux commencent, ca c'est fraggle rock
Ca c'est fraggle rock!

AWESOME =)

I'm Outta Love

I believe this is gonna be one of these posts where everybody feels or thinks i'm 10 miles down into depression's abyss but i actually feel pretty good.

I've mentioned this in the past but i came to realize yesterday that it still applies today: i am out of love. Which in my own words, would translate as i have lost faith in love. Completely.

Before i get people throwing themselves at my throat telling me that there is no such thing as being out of love, let me explain a few things.
I have loved in the past. And i truly hope i can say i've been loved as well. Although to be honest, i'm not too sure about that. But that's not really the point here. I think i am a very dedicated person, especially when i have the hots for someone. I give myself up completely and that may be the reason why i tend to end up hurt. Or empty.
It's not that i'm trying to overdo it or make you love me. It's just the way i am. If you're the person who share my life, i'll give it all to you. You can take it or leave it. I'll do it anyway. That way, i know that if the relationship fails, at least i've done and given everything i could and that my everything was not enough for that person in particular.
Problem is ... i tend to lose myself in the process. Giving all that is to the other person, not expecting anything in return. Ever.
And when i get something back, it makes me uncomfortable cuz i'm not accustomed to receive love that way.

Moving on.

As you all know already, i recently broke up with a man i was very keen on for whatever reasons that i will not mention here. A mere 5 weeks later, he apparently already moved on with his life and well, good for him.
I may be wrong but i am still convinced that our relationship has not ended just yet. I mean i believe we still have to walk along together for a while. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, whenever. I so believe we do. But now is not the time.
I thought that hearing he's dating someone else would crush me. It didnt. And when i sat down to "analize" what were my feeling about it all, i was surprised to realized i felt nothing.

But i mean ... NOTHING.
I was blank.

No pain, no hard feeling, no ill-being, no resentment, no regret, no joy, nothing.

And then when i got to talk about it with a friend of mine, after the first sensation of anger i felt knowing that he's dating someone when he said he wanted to be alone for a while, i realized that damn, i didnt really care about it. I felt empty inside.
Emotionally, i feel empty inside.

I feel like nothing can reach me anymore. I feel like my heart is steel-cold and unaccessible. I feel like no pain or ache can get to me anymore. I feel anaesthetized. And i like the feeling about "feeling no pain".

I also realized that i have lost faith in love. I have lost faith in my ability to find someone who will value me for what and who i am, not for what i do for him or her. I have lost faith in relationships. I feel i can't give love anymore.
It seems i can't feel pain anymore.
I ran out of love.
I feel i can enjoy life as it comes.
I have no expectations, thus no disappointments.
I've resigned myself to live and let live.

And the best thing about it all, i'm actually fine with it.




"Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise"
S. Johson

Hell-thy

Comfort food, as the name says, is made to comfort you. And a double decker nutella sandwich with a coke for dinner does just that: it comforts me.

I've been needing comforting for a while now, except that i dont get it when i need it, i dont take it when i get it, and i pretty much block everything that comes my way especially if that something will make me feel happy.

I dont mean to.

I just do it by habit. I dont even notice i'm doing it. I'm sabotaging my happiness.

I hope someday someone will make me change, will help me change.

But how can someone not give up on me if I've already given up myself?
I just can't do it anymore.

I wish it would all go away.

 

I Have A Twin Brother

We were not born the same day (even though almost)
Nor the same year
Nor from the same mother
Nor in the same country ...

But the more time we spend together, the more i'm convinced we have this we're-from-the-same-womb kinda relationship.

We think the same, act the same, have the same ups and downs, feel the same, have the same tastes, have that same affection for one another and most of the time, dont even need to finish our sentence to understand eachother. We dont need to talk most of the time, just a look suffices.

We're so alike it's even creepy sometimes.

If we're not really twins, then we must have been in a past life. There is no other explanation.

Love you so very much =)

WTF Is Going On ??

A few posts back, i swore to god that i would never ever drink again. EVER.

There's "ever" in whatever ...

I went out Saturday night, first, to watch Manny Pacquiao's box fight against Mexican Antonio Margarito (who got beaten the crap out of by the way), then to check out a local strip club (never been to one so that was long due) and ended up dancing the night away, including banda music with my 2 lesbian friends at a gay club.

By the time i arrived back home, it was already 6:30am, sun was rising and i was moderatly drunk, the cool morning air not helping whatsoever to drop down my coming hangover. I slept the entire day sunday and had the most un-productive day that someone can possibly have.

What wasnt planned was that i would be invited to the inauguration of a beach/lounge/gay bar downtown on Monday evening, thanks to my super social-skilled friend Mau. Since we arrived as late as can be, we had only a few canapés down our throat but compensated with excessive refills on white wine and champagne. Oh yeah.

So by the time they were closing the bar, we were so very well on our way to one long night ... And we sure did (have one long night).

After making a complete fool of myself at the restaurant we had dinner to by spilling half of my plate of pasta on my skirt, we checked pretty much every single gay bars and clubs of town and ended up in the same place as 2 nights prior (for me).

You do pretty crazy stuff in a gay club but for the sake of our story, i'll just say we danced the night away yet again. Until it was 6am AGAIN.

It was 10am when we finally laid down, so a good 26 hours after i actually woke up the day before and i just couldnt sleep ... At all. Not even remotely tired, not dozzing off, nothing.
So since my dear friend was lost in what seemed delicious oblivion, i decided to take off and get back home. Maybe i could get some rest since i was gonna be in my own bed.

Well i was wrong.

It is now 10:10pm, i'm starting my 39th hour awake, alive and somehow kicking. I've cleaned by bedroom, swept the floor, mopped the floor as well, did the dishes, checked my farm, read a few chapters of a book, took a steaming shower, drank an herbal tea, took some sleep-inducing pills and nothing. I am still wide awake.

THIRTY NINE HOURS STRAIGHT AND COUNTING.

I mean WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?

Say "no" to drugs ... they're EVIL.

My Mom Found My Sex Toys

GASP

Oh yes she did.

Just before they arrived here in Mexico for a 12 days stay, i had carefully put my sex toys away, that is to say at the very back of my highest closet's shelf. I knew that with my parents here, chances of using them were nonexistent.

Well i should have known better.

While they were here, i took advantage of my dad being quite a handy man to fix stuff in my house, such as curtain rails, kitchen cupboards, fixing a million stuff and so on. While he was doing all that, i found the energy to paint my living room and kitchen. It was more than long due.

But since my parents were sleeping in my bedroom, i had told them that i'd paint the bedroom walls once they're gone so they wouldnt have to sleep in the living room or in the bedroom with paint smell.

I dont know what my mom did or WHY but she thought that painting my closet was also a tall order (and an urgent one with all that) so she EMPTIED my entire closet.

GASP
GASP
GASP

I didnt realized it until she had put everything back inside the following day. Which was one day before they would be departing. And there is no freaking way she couldnt see them. They were neatly stored in their case and my mom opens every single thing she finds to check what she can or cannot trash.

They left today.

First things i checked when i came back home after dropping them at the airport were my toys. My entire closet is upside down, nothing is where it used to be and i was dreading she had thrown them away. But no. They were still in their case, still neatly accomodated and in a complete different location which means she had seens them and/or touch them and just the thought of it makes me uneasy.

She freaked out when she found out, a few years ago, that i have a piercing in my tongue. Now she found my sex toys and most likely also bumped into my lubrifiant bottle when she cleaned the bathroom ... I'd PAY to know what she thought at that very moment.

She must think i'm this depraved, debauched, perv sex addict ...

Which i am ...

I'm Not Dead

At least not yet.

My parents are in town, staying at my place, living me with close to no time at all for myself. And since my mom is already freaked out about the amount of time i'm spending online, i dont want to give her more reasons to freak out than the ones she already has ...

In a few more days, i'll blog again, hopefully with something spicy, witty and funny =)

I Have Hot Water!

Close to 6 months after moving into my new house, i am now the proud owner of a brand new boiler AND a gaz connection through the wall (and not through the open window as i used to have up until now).

I mean how insanely outrageous this is?

This means that:
- i can finally take a hot shower in the morning before i got to work instead of giving it an hopeful shot and thinking "what the fuck was i thinking??" the second the icy cold water hit me
- i can take a hot steamy shower at 4 in the morning after a night of insanely crazy wild sex (that i dont get anymore)
- i can wash the month worth of dishes with the decent hope all the stuck grease will be removed instantly (they've been soaking in for days, even with ice cold water, it'd go away!)
- i can sweat my ass off cleaning inside and outside the house and coming out of the bathroom smelling like a blooming rose without fearing i'd get yet another pneumonia!

But the real truth is, i didnt need hot water to do more cleaning ... jaja, who was i kidding? I mean no matter how tough i can be, november is definitely a month you need hot water here. Even if it's Mexico, even if it's the Pacific Coast. I mean, it gets chilly ...

And how was i supposed to receive my parents without that minimum amount of comfort?

Woo freaking hoo!

So What?

Splitting up with someone you're convinced you should be with is hard. I know it was the right decision but it doesnt make it any easier.

People don't want to hear you whine all the time, less of it all about your love life. There is always someone to tell you, oh, come on now, get over it/him, he's an ass, he missed his chance, you deserve better, you'll find someone better, if it's meant to happen it will, he's no match to you and BLA BLA BLA.

What do they know?

I dont want to get over him, i dont think he's an ass, he definitely still has a chance, i dont think i deserve better (or worse as a matter of fact), i think he's perfect, i hope it'll happen again and i believe he's a match for me.

But he needs time.

Time for a kitty cat to lick his wounds and heal his heart.

I'm sad ... and hurt.

And putting up a smiling face to the world is the hardest, toughest thing for me to do. But i can't be carrying the weight of it all the time. Life goes on. I'm alive still. Everything happens for a reason even if i have no freaking clue what the damn reason is right now.

Last night, a friend of mine told me to listen to Pink's song "so what?". Told me it helps him when he feels blue and lonely after a relationship ends. I retorted that i was more in the "sober" mood, wondering how could i feel this good sober?

And then this morning, i got his song stuck in my head ... So consequently, his way of seeing life in tough times ... And i must admit, to my biggest surprise ... it DID cheer me up ...

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright!
I'm just fine
And you're a fool
So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

If only i could actually CONVINCE myself of what i'm singing ...

But as i said ... life goes on ... and while i'm waiting, might as well have some fun =)

PS: Pink does get back with her husband in the end, right? ...

Alone I Break

I've been sick like a pig since yesterday ... couldnt stay at work, had to call the doc so he could give me stronger meds, had a friend of mine bringing me said-meds.
I'm coughing my lungs out, my chest hurts like i've been hit by a truck, i have fever, i passed out once this morning, puked the little food i had managed to ingest today, had hallucinations and can barely stand.

Some pains go beyond words.

I have never felt this lonely in a million years.

And then one song came to my head - here it is:

Alone i break - by KORN
 
Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn't seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I'm ready, heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn't seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?

More to come




PS: i still dont know how to insert a video here but you can check it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryfwfc_946w

I Miss You

It's been 2 days.

It feels like 2 years.

Wonder if my asthma attack has anything to do with it?