I have a car and it's dirty. Well, not dirty like gross, dirty like in dusty. Thing is i live in a very dusty neighbourhood and if my car stayed parked for the day in front of my house, it will be covered in dust by noon. I am a lazy person and i dont particularly enjoy washing my car. But more than that, i hate doing something so vain as to wash my car, knowing that by tomorrow morning, it will look as dirty as before, if not more.
I used to wash it every week. Cuz i was motivated back then. All of that stopped one day i had washed it like crazy, even the insides of the doors that i normally always forget, inside the trunk, all the carpets. I even had borrowed a vacuum cleaner. The only thing i hadnt done was the polishing. Cuz i'm not that thorough. But anyway. So there was i with my spotless clean car, en route to the supermarket to do my grocery shopping. When i parked and got off the car, this guy came to me and said: "le lavo el carro señorita?"
O_o
What? Are you kidding me? I mean come on the car isnt even DRY yet and you're asking me if you can wash my car. Fuck it, am i that bad? Did i do that poor of a job? I know that's the way they make their money but that surely hurt my feelings and blew my ego.
So since then, oh well.
It's funny how it bothers people though. I personaly dont care to drive around in a car that is described as red in the papers but looks like it's been through the desert of Sonora for a week. But it bothers people. A lot.
Mathilde, you should really wash your car.
Why? Is that gonna make it go faster? Is it gonna use less gaz? No, right? Then oh well.
One day after work, i got back to my car to see a huge penis drawn on one of the windows. Damn it. It was on one of the back windows so a window i obviously never roll down so i drove around with my penis for quite some time.
Another day, still on work's parking lot, big letters saying "wash me" ... to which i answered back, also writing in the dust "screw you i like it dirty" :-)
One of the most incredible thing that happened with my dusty car was one day i was in my car, parked, chatting with a friend when this little girl came to my car and start drawing on my hood. I mean come on, i'm sitting RIGHT HERE, what the fuck is wrong with you. I obviously gave her hell to then get hell from my friend telling me that i shouldnt be shouting at a little girl drawing on my car and that i'd rather use the energy to wash it. It was the last time this friend of mine got a ride. Ass.
I also had a guy telling me "i wash your car, i wash your car" (while i was going shopping), no thanks and hearing him mumbling something that really sounded like "stingy filthy bitch" - i had no time nor the will to beat the crap out of him (ok he was also too big for that), another guy who said "i wash your car, i wash your car ... cuz look at it, it could really do with a wash" (asshole, who asked you your opinion), and last but not least, my mechanic to whom i leave the car with so he can change the filters and come back some time laters to a spotless clean car. When i asked him how much did i owe him for the wash, he said "nothing, i washed it cuz it was embarassingly dirty". TOMA.
So yeah, my car is dirty and unless i go live in a place without dust, it'll most probably stay that way. Call it whatever you want, sunblock, invisibility cloak, dust, filth, that i am indeed saving water but let me tell you what it is ... my car is going through a dust experiment and cleaning it will ruin the whole concept of it. There. Any questions?
PS: best bumper sticker ever read:
" a clean car is a sign of a sick mind"
I NEED IT.
Today is a cruise ship day. Which means i'm spending most of my day on the pier, in the sun, toasting myself and taking care of guests who, for the most part, have left their brain at home and ask stupid questions (i wrote an entire post about it). Well, today was also a very quiet day on the pier and i was done around 1pm ... well, not done but i had a 3 hours break in my afternoon which is always very pleasant.
So there i was, doing my reports and tomorrow's planning (tomorrow being a cruise ship day as well) when i felt the urge to go to the bathroom. No biggy there. Just at the moment i stood up and head that way, my colleague Jan stood up as well on his way to the little cafeteria to get a bottle of water. Since we were heading in the same direction, we walked together and chatted a bit. But I was kinda hurrying up because I was starting to realize that that egg I ate last night DID taste dodgy. Hurrying up like when you so badly need to go to the bathroom you actually start undoing your pants on the way "just to make sure".
So I was really accelerating my pace when Jan called me (help) asking me to lend him 2 pesos. TWO PESOS he needed. Bloody hell that’s TWENTY CENTS. Not even. And my pockets were full of crap and I couldn’t find the bloody coins in there and I was wasting precious seconds for bloody 2 pesos. Jeez Jan for 2 pesos, they’ll give you credit. Or tell them I’ll be back in 10 minutes to pay them if you’re short on cash.
Needless to say that after the 2 pesos incident, running was a tall order. And I did run. I actually ran like hell. And made it (barely) to the bathroom.
I’m not gonna be describing how it feels when you finally make it to the bathroom when you got the shit, you’ve all been there. It’s a painful relief but a relief nonetheless. And after 15 minutes shitting your guts, it surely should be a relief.
You know the feeling of well being that follows eating when you’ve been starving, drinking when you’ve been so thirsty, sleeping when you can’t even hold your head up and going to the bathroom when you so badly needed it. Well all of my well-being bubble burst out when I realized something absolutely dreadful in such occasion: there was no paper in the cubicle. O_o
In my haste not to shit in my pants, I totally forgot the mandatory checking of toilet paper’s presence in public bathroom. And I was like shiiiiiiit (no play on words intended).
So what am I supposed to do? I mean I’m in a public bathroom, I know nobody in nor would have I had the balls to ask another woman to pass me paper from under the door. So I thought, I’m gonna call Jan since it’s all his fault, tell him to get his ass in the women’s bathroom and pass on a roll of paper under my door. Well if only. But no, sometimes life really is a bitch. There was NO reception in the toilets godammit. I could have cried.
So I waited. And waited. And waited some more, for all of the girls in the bathroom to get the hell out so I could switch cubicle. Damn do women take forever in the bathroom or what? I mean you’re all coming back from the beach, what are you doing for 20 minutes in front of the mirror. GET THE HELL OUT! N-O-W!
Eventually, everybody finally left. Obviously, with an ass full of shit, you don’t pull up your short or your underwear. Don’t even want to think about doing laundry afterwards … eeeeewwwwww. So anyway, as soon as everybody had left, I sneaked peaked outside my cubicle, ran bare-ass to the cubicle next to mine, obviously checked for paper this time (good there’s some in) and locked myself in to wipe my ass properly.
What a feeling :-)
What I think is funny about all this is that when you step out of the bathroom, you always meet people you know, also people you don’t know and they have NOT A FREAKING CLUE of what you just went through. Might as well, asi, me evito la pena!
Cravings ... mmm ... what? Cravings? You mean cravings like in cravings? O_o
Oh sweet lord.
Well yes, i've been having cravings lately. But i mean, BIG TIME. Cravings for chocolate, for coca cola, for vodka, for salty stuff, for sodas, for eggs with mayonnaise, for goat cheese, for shrimps, for pasta, for french fries, for all the fried stuff i normally hate, for crepes, for coffee and for a lot more stuff that i can't think about right now. Here in Mexico, if you have the bad idea of saying that you crave for something, that you have nauseas, headache, or that you feel the urge to puke, there is only ONE reason for it all: you're PREGNANT.
Fuck no, not me, thanks. I'm taking care of that part. And very well with that. It's not happening unless i decide so. And no, not all the nauseas, not all the headaches, not all the dizziness, not all the vomit are pregnancy related thank god. Jeez. Get a grip! Go out a little, see the world!
But obviously, you think about it. I never have cravings. And i have a boyfriend now. Which means sex. Which means a lot of sex. Very regularly. And obviously, condoms are not 100% bullet sperm proof, we all know that. God damn it, but i so very much WANT this bag of M&Ms, and some skittles, ooooh and a soda. Aaaargh.
My "salvation" came from my student Lili, to whom i'm giving french clases. While she was doing her first exercise, i sneaked at the oxxo to get a bottle of coke water and a healthy snack a bag of yellow M&M (they dont have skittles here ... what kinda service is that?). When i got back, she looked at me and said: cravings? And i said: aja :s
That's when she said the following magical words: oh but i read in a magazine the other day that cravings are just a way for your body to let you know that it needs something it doesnt have. Apparently, you have low sugar in your sytem and that's probably why you want to eat sweet stuff.
HALLELUJAH.
No i'm not gonna investigate this through. I am taking Lili's words for granted. I'm a sugar addict and my stupid asthma treatment doesnt let me indulge in some big ass glass of coke with a nutella sandwich to go along. So yeah, i have cravings. It's not me. It's my BODY asking for what it needs. Is it clear?
PS: damn it, now that i have seen this amazing looking chocolate mousse, i'm craving one! Or brownies. Yeah, brownies with vanilla ice cream on top. Or even better, the chocolate thunder from down under from the outback. Yeah! This one i can never order cuz i'm too full to order desert. I want it, I want it, I want it. Aaargh. Ya me viiiiiiii!
PS2: Treatment ends on March 26th at night. So March 27th will be a celebration: breakfast at Starbucks with the biggest size cup of coffee they have, then lunch at McDonalds with the biggest serving of French fries and the tallest glass of coke (no ice) available and then party all night, drinking all the vodka that comes my way. I might even indulge in a cigarette or two. I love it already !
Breakfast, to me, is sacred. And every single of my closest friends knows. Breakfast is generally what's gonna determine if my day is gonna be good or bad, if i'm gonna be in a good mood or not. Nothing can should interrupt me when i'm having breakfast otherwise, it interrupts the process of making a decent person out of the human being i barely am when i wake up. There is a whole determined routine i'm following every single morning: i wake up, hop in my sweat pants and tennis shoes, go walk the dog for 30 minutes, come back home, feed the dog, feed the fish, and get started on my breakfast. And when my tea is poured in the bowl then there is only one thought going through my head: "finally".
It doesnt matter at what time i wake up, nor at what time i need to be at work, breakfast will take at least 30 minutes of my time no matter what. And since i tend to feel guilty as hell if i dont walk my dog every morning (and know she will be a pain of hyperactivity during sacred breakfast), i wake up 2 hours before i need to be at work just to make sure i have this reserved sacred hour for myself. Well, 30 minutes for the dog, 30 minutes for me.
Breakfast is a ritual. I have the same breakfast every single day, nothing very fancy: tea (in a liter bowl), toasts with butter and jam, laptop on the breakfast table connected on the latest news. And that's it.
So needless to say, SUNDAY breakfast is the absolute breakfast experience. And even if i generally have 3 days off a week, Sundays are special because they're quieter days with almost no traffic passing in the street, no gaz truck, no water truck, no fruit truck, no everything-you-think-about truck. And since i wake up pretty early, i dont hear the neighbor's kids or the neighbors as a matter of fact, they tend to go to church on Sundays. If it's not perfection, a sunday breakfast surely gets close to it.
So when i have, for the third sunday in a row, Jehovah witnesses knocking at my door, right in the middle of my perfect until you came breakfast, i tend to be nasty. Last time, i was plain rude with them and felt terrible in the aftermath. This morning, i just tell them to go away and stop harassing me. No i dont have a minute for you, no i dont want your litterature, no i dont want to talk to you: it's sunday, it's my day for being asocial, leave me alone.
I really need to put up the sign on the door of my fence. It says:
When i woke up this morning and heard the rain outside, that is the first thing that came to my mind: "it is gonna rain like this all day?"
Not that i care if it does rain like that all day. I like the rain, it cools things off, sticks the dust on the floor and makes the time spent under the blanket a nearly orgasmic experience. It's comfort at its best. Why did i think about it then? Cuz today, there is a cruise ship in port, which means that today is a day i'm gonna be working on the pier, receiving people who ARE going to ask me if it's gonna be raining like this all day. Question to which i always answer with OJALA a smile saying that i dont know but surely dont think so, it normally doesnt rain in January, that it was like that yesterday and it cleared up, blablabla, a bunch of bullshit. Like come on you guys. HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? Even the weather channel doesnt know for sure so how do they want ME to give them an answer on that?? I know you're on holidays, in Mexico, i know you want beach and sunshine and warmth but there is absolutely NOTHING i can do about the weather so STOP ASKING.
Where's the sun? DONT KNOW but maybe if you have his phone number we can give him a quick call to ask him! Is it gonna rain all day? Why? Does that bother you? GOOD. Cuz that's exactly the reason why it's raining today, just because i wanted to piss you off, i ordered rain for the day, just to screw up your holidays and your day here in PV. Is the swim with the dolphin cancelled? Why? Because of the rain? Oh no, we're gonna give the dolphins wetsuit to make sure they dont get cold in the rain, and cover the pool as well cuz they really dont like water getting in their eyes. What about the whale watching? Are we gonna see whales with this weather? Probably not, they'd all have gone further South to enjoy some warmer climate in the tropics.
I have said it before, i will repeat it again:
DONT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS IF YOU DONT WANT STUPID ANSWERS.
Cuz you know i'll give you an answer proportionally as stupid as your question.
Or more.
As most of you know already, i have been in a relationship for a scandalous 3 weeks already and i'm kinda getting used to it. It feels nice. And warm. And soft. And even though my boyfriend is a good deal younger than me, we dont really care about it. First because it doesnt matter that much in the end, second, because if i wouldnt mention it, nobody would know or notice there is such a big age gap and last but not least, because people whose opinion matters to you dont really care about your boyfriend or girlfriend's age as long as they see you happy. And i am.
I guess there is always a moment in the relationship, a dreaded moment in the relationship when you're meeting your other half's friends. I'm saying dreaded because a lot of the success of said relationship depends on this meeting. I know you're not gonna be dating his friends but come on, some of them have been in his life forever, they know him since he wasnt even talking yet, not even walking! So whether you want it or not, whether you care or not, putting HIS friends on YOUR side makes a hell of a difference.
My dreaded encounter, the moment when everybody would be putting me under a microscope happens quite early in my relationship: a mere week after we started dating. And since we're gonna be meeting the "clan", might as well do things properly ... i met them ALL. It was his cousin's birthday so pretty much everybody he knows and gets on with was there.
I wasnt dying of anxiety, end of it all, i dont really have to prove anything to anybody. Just being with him and presented as his girlfriend should have been be good enough. She's with me, she's off limit and you accept her in the clan cuz i'm the one bringing her in and because i say so. This is a bit how it feels no? Well this is the way i think it feels.
Yet you know, afterwards, i wondered "how i did?" The answer was quick to come. When his cousin (the birthday boy) saw me again a few days later and said to me, IN FRENCH: "bonjour Mathilde, comment ca va?" i felt happy inside, warm inside and thought: fiuuuu, i think i did pretty good then! Especially knowing that his cousin means the world to him. Apart from the blood relationship, they're like brothers to eachother as well as best friends. And let's be honest, he's been there 20 more years than i have.
Well yesterday evening, it was HIS turn to be sent in the lion's cage and to meet my friends. It was a bit unexpected, my very good friend and now neighbor Nahomi was doing her house-warming/Posada/Xmas/New Year/Dia de los Reyes party. And even though i knew everybody who was there, most of them people from work, the only person who's opinion mattered to me was hers. And when she told him "hey, feel like home, help yourself in the fridge with anything you may need, do you want something else, you're ok", i knew he'd made it too. Even he told me how good he felt at the time, how good it feels to be accepted in your girlfriend's "entourage".
His friends like me, my friends like him, how things can possibly go wrong?
With 2010 and a new year starting, i had decided to work on my well being - both physical and mental. I've never been good at keeping up with my new year resolutions. I mean i always make a list of good resolutions but i suck at keeping up with it. But i was determined to make 2010 a different year. Well, 9 days into this new year and i can tell it's gonna be just like the way it's been for the past 15 years or so: a complete failure in making big changes. Yes i am determined to let grow my hair and doing good so far, no, i havent been drinking a drop of alcool since i started my asthma treatment that is meant to last for 3 months (but have completely forgotten to take my meds for 3 days now), yes i have gone and seen houses and lands for sale in areas of PV i want to live in (but still havent called any of the numbers to get a quote) but all these are tiny insignificant little stuff that i knew would be "easy". I am too scared of changes to go ahead with the big stuff. But more than anything, i am too scared and too coward to face all my issues and all my demons. I have a psychologist phone number that i havent called, a friend who wants to help me that i stopped visiting and the list goes on.
Why is that that some people, like me, refuse the help they're being offered? Why is that that i systematically refuse the helping hand i'm been lent. What on earth makes me think that i can do it all by myself? Why don't i want to accept the fact that i am way more screwed up than i think thought and that i DO need profesional help for it? Why do i always run away from people who actually want to help me, who have my best interests at heart? Why do i think that people are not honest with me and just try to screw me up - or that they're being nice to me just to make sure they hurt me nice and well afterwards?
And last but not least: do i want an answer to all these questions?
It is most likely that my first post of 2010 will be sad. Well, not sad really, more like nostalgic. A little spleen to start the new year. Me realizing things little by little, of who i am.
I've been going out with this guy for a few weeks now. And even if he's young (like very young), he made me realized one thing a few days ago. He made me realized that, on top of all my screwed up shit, i'm the most insecure person there is when relationships are involved. I've been out of the dating scene for so long it's weird to be "in" a relationship. Getting the guy, getting the sex, that, is not complicated whatsoever. But if there is more than a one-night stand, then other stuff are tagging along. Amongst it all, the compliments, the cheesiness, and all those nice things that make me run away a mile. I've been hurt in the past. Big time. Everybody has i guess. But the heartbreak i've been through feels like i've been destroyed emotionally. A few weeks ago, i was going to write a post that i would probably have titled "outta love" because that was exactly the way i was feeling back then. Like i was empty inside. Like nothing or none could cheer me up, could make me feel good again, or could make me love again. I was feeling incapable of loving again. I still feel that way. Like an empty shell. But on top of it all, i've realized that i've lost my faith and trust in men's sincerity. I can't believe or accept the idea of a person loving ME. I need constant reassurance. I'm craving for hugs and kisses and attention and contact and messages and phone calls. I'm craving for him to be there always just to make sure i'm not dreaming it. I'm craving for something i used to have so long ago in which i lost myself into. I'm an addict who's been weaned and just got another shot of the drugs. It's been so long it's giddy. It's scary too. Scary to realize that it still tastes so good after such a long time without. Is it love that i feel? I doubt it. I dont remember what it feels like to be loved or to love. The kinda love that hurts you so bad you'd die for it. I want to remember what it feels. My heart has healed. Now it's time i learn how to use it again.
