I Wonder Why

With 2010 and a new year starting, i had decided to work on my well being - both physical and mental. I've never been good at keeping up with my new year resolutions. I mean i always make a list of good resolutions but i suck at keeping up with it. But i was determined to make 2010 a different year. Well, 9 days into this new year and i can tell it's gonna be just like the way it's been for the past 15 years or so: a complete failure in making big changes. Yes i am determined to let grow my hair and doing good so far, no, i havent been drinking a drop of alcool since i started my asthma treatment that is meant to last for 3 months (but have completely forgotten to take my meds for 3 days now), yes i have gone and seen houses and lands for sale in areas of PV i want to live in (but still havent called any of the numbers to get a quote) but all these are tiny insignificant little stuff that i knew would be "easy". I am too scared of changes to go ahead with the big stuff. But more than anything, i am too scared and too coward to face all my issues and all my demons. I have a psychologist phone number that i havent called, a friend who wants to help me that i stopped visiting and the list goes on.

Why is that that some people, like me, refuse the help they're being offered? Why is that that i systematically refuse the helping hand i'm been lent. What on earth makes me think that i can do it all by myself? Why don't i want to accept the fact that i am way more screwed up than i think thought and that i DO need profesional help for it? Why do i always run away from people who actually want to help me, who have my best interests at heart? Why do i think that people are not honest with me and just try to screw me up - or that they're being nice to me just to make sure they hurt me nice and well afterwards?

And last but not least: do i want an answer to all these questions?