On How Bad I Feel After What Was A Good Deed

This morning around noon, as i was coming back home from the bank, i saw what looked like a puppy in a shoe box in front of my house. At noon. In Mexico. Full sun. Full heat. It wasnt moving but the second i approached it to check it, it yapped and moved a bit. Its state was dreadful. It was covered in dirt, blood and who knows what else, had wounds so deep i wonder how it was still alive and wounds so nasty they were full of pus and blood. Poor thing must have been maybe a month old not even. I put it back in the shoe box it had fell from and hopped back in my car direction: VET.

The 3 people who were in the vet saw me entering with a shoe box and they all came close to check it out. Must have been something tiny and cute i was carrying. And that's when i broke into tears. Told the vet what happened, that i had found it in front of my house. It was a baby girl. Naturaly. People here dont want to keep a female dog. Female dog = heat = puppies. And to fix a dog, it can cost quite some money for the average mexican wage.
I have a female dog. She's fixed. Cost me $80 USD. I could have done it for free but i might as well pay to keep the vet going. Moreover, i can afford it.

As i was listening to the vet's recommendations on how to take care of her (and after i turned my head while he was giving her a shot), i noticed that some of the holes wounds she had were very deep and very round. Really seemed like she's been bitten savagely. And then i saw what turned my stomach inside out. Those wounds, the fang-shaped ones, were full of worms. I mean like an ant hill, seething with worms.

I felt sick, ran outside and puked my breakfast. On the sidewalk, in front of the vet's.

It was so hard to get back in.

The vet gave me drops to put in the holes in order to kill the worms. And a soap to wash her. And baby food. And an antibiotic to give her every 12 hours.

And i took her back home. Niki was intrigued yet lost interest in her very quickly. I bathed her and put the drops in her wounds. Fed her. And put her in a basket with some old useless shirts of mine so she could get some rest.
But she was constantly whining and crying and trashing around. So i took her on my lap so she could get some warmth and maybe fall asleep.

That's when i discovered more wormy wounds. She was covered in those. I counted. She had 13 of them. 13 holes full of worms. I put drops in every single one of them and started crying again.

That's when i realized that i couldnt take care of her. I just couldnt. It was beyond my capacity. Human and animal suffering is something i just cant deal with. The injustice of it all. The powerlessness i feel about it. The incompetent and the angry i feel about it. It's overwhelming. And i started crying again. I called my friend, who told me to calm down, to do this and that or if i really thought i couldnt take care of her, then maybe take her to the animal shelter.
I called them as soon as i hang up and i had less than an hour to get there before they close. They are up in the hills on the other side of town, in a place i've never been, with dirt roads and no names on the streets ... I cried the entire way, called them 5 times for directions and finally made it 5 minutes before they close.

Their vet took the puppy and looked at her. He was so soft and kind in his approach i started crying again. Why did i felt i had to justify myself? Why did i felt the need to tell them, i just cant. It's too much for me. My heart aches just to look at her. My hands were shaking so bad when i signed the paper giving her away that the lady at the desk offered me a glass of water.

I dont remember any of my driving back home. And it lasted for around 25 minutes. I was feeling miserable and still am. I know i did the best for that puppy. Then why do i feel that bad? Isnt a good deed supposed to make you feel good? Isnt taking the right decision, or what seemed to be the right decision supposed to make you feel good? Then why doesnt it? Human cruelty goes beyond it all. Who can do such thing? Who can be so heartless as to let a little defenseless being die in the sun. I'm not saying that you had to take care of it. But at least end its suffering. Be humane in your inhumanity. Or maybe it's just me overreacting and being too sensitive?

Everything does happen for a reason. Then wasnt i supposed to take care of that little puppy? Or taking her to the shelter was precisely that? Why cant i feel better now knowing she's in good hands?

The bottle of "violeta" (liquid that supposedly kill worms and stain everything purple) slipped through my wet fingers as i was taking care of her and half of my hand is now purple. Will that be a reminder of my cowardice or a reminder of how i saved that little being's life. You chose.