Repeat After Me

Happiness

Kills

Inspiration

Happiness

Kills

Inspiration

HAPPINESS

KILLS 

INSPIRATION

I havent been writing in what feels like months (which when i look at it, it's not too far from the truth), it makes me feel terribly guilty but at the same time, i have no inspiration whatsoever. 

No crazy things happening to me, everything rolling smoothly and nicely. I now understand more and more why poets or writers are either alcoholics or drug addicts. 

My most productive months over the past almost 2 years that i started this blog, have been when i was either depressed or blue or dealing with stupid asses in my life. There still are stupid asses in my life but they either got strucked by enlightment lately or carefully hiding not to be seen.

I've also realized that happiness makes you live in that bubble and everything around is now pinkfully distorded. Everything looks nice and good and beautiful, nothing is weird or gross or odd. I mean damn, what can i write about now? About other's misery? That'd be nasty. I am not gonna take advantage of other's misery.

So i'll think about something cool and i'll get back to this place. Hopefully soon :)

Be patient!

Remember that the best things in life are the one worth waiting for... And let's be honest, i'm not gonna start feeling miserable to get my inspiration back !!

Easter and Holy-days!

Yesterday, today and up until monday morning, it's Easter holidays. At least in Mexico it is. I volunteered at work (i know, don't ask) to cover these 2.5 days worth of work and i was pretty much the only one in doing so. But anyway.

On Thursday, my boss didnt come but he called me a couple of time to check if everything was going ok. With only 2 phone calls that day, i told him that yeah, he could stay at the water park with his son (laughs). And this morning, it was only the 2 of us in the office. After a few hours of incredible silence, he told me: this is stupid being here i mean, the phone hasnt rang in 3 hours, i havent received 1 single email. What's the point on being here? 

So he said: when you go for lunch at 2pm, you can just go home. If you have any problem (cuz i'm on call over the week-end), just give me a shout. The phone hasnt rang since yesterday around 11am. I love it.

When i took off from the office, i didnt like it that much. First of all, i was parked in full sun so my car was a oven. And by the time the AC kicks in, i'd be home already so why bother?

And that's when i saw it. It's not holy week, it's holy mother fucking crap!

There are cars everywhere, people everywhere, crossing the streets all over the place, car parked in every single little corner or space of sidewalk available. It makes me dizzy.

It took me twice the time to get back home, in my oven of a car.

I hate the holidays.

But now, it's friday afternoon and i am OFF FOR 2.5 DAYS! 
WOO
FREAKING 
HOO


Now it would all be PERFECT if i had a basket of eggs ...

In Loving Memory

A few months ago, i took the heartless hard decision to give my beloved dog away. It was a long process but i ended up totally convinced it was for her best. I had serious emotional issues back then, had started a therapy that was draining me and which was making me emotionally extremely fragile and i felt i couldn't take care of her the way i was used to anymore. It is very hard to find someone you think fit to take care of your pet. If she couldnt have me, she deserved the next best thing.

And i honestly think i found her a great family, a couple with a young kid who fell in love with her the second he saw her (while she was knocking him down in the process!)

Why havent i talked about it earlier than almost 6 months afterwards? Cuz i felt guilty as hell. I felt guilty for not missing my dog. I felt guilty for not visiting her. And let's be honest, i don't like to face things or events that make me uncomfortable. Let alone talk about it. And that was one.

Last week, i heard that someone stole her from her new family.

It broke my heart.

I cried hours on end and i died inside.
Talking about it right now brought tears back to my eyes.

I feel like the worse person in the entire world for not being there for her. For not taking care of her. I dont know where she is now. I dont even know if she's alive. I'd rather hope her dead than in the hands of people who'd treat her poorly or hit her.

I've secretly been hoping she'll "knock" at my door one of these days. Maybe if i focus on that particular thought, she will.

I love you Niki. I miss you so much.

I am sorry beyond words.

I wanna cry.

I Physically Harm Myself

I tried to put that sentence in a more tactful way but there is no tactful way to express the feeling and the fact that i do harm myself every day that passes. The only difference nowadays, is that i actually notice i'm doing it. I don't notice when i start, i notice while i'm doing it. And stopping is the most difficult thing I've ever have to do. In 3 words, i just can't. I can't stop doing it. It goes beyond me.

Why do i physically harm myself? I do it to punish myself. To punish myself from being happy. And today being the 4th month-versary i am with my boyfriend, it's reaching records heights. How do i do it? No, i don't cut myself, blood is too messy and leaves stains and remember, i'm a practical person. Mentally screwed up but practical nonetheless. I simply use the paper tissues i constantly have around me because of my constant nose-runs (how convenient) and rub it on my hands, arms, neck and every little piece of skin i can find until i almost bleed.

It's painful but since pain is addictive, i have to do it every time a little bit harder to make it actually "work". It leaves marks all over my body. But that pain is comforting cuz i know it. Isn't it what addictions are all about? Escaping reality through sensations you know, like a comfort blanket?

I've done it since as long as i can remember. Why am i doing it? Psychologists all agree on that point: i punish myself for being the happy person my mother never managed to be. I punish myself cuz even I can't make her happy. I punish myself cuz unconsciously  i have convinced myself i don't deserve that happiness. If she can't be happy (and even more if I can't make her happy) then who the hell do i think i am to lush in all that happiness?

It is screwed up. I need therapy. I've been through sessions already and stopped cuz it was just too hard emotionally  I bailed out on the idea of getting helped and/or getting better because i didn't feel i could cope with it anymore without losing myself in it. I am deadly scared of changes even though i don't admit it. This is why i always order the same food when i go to the same restaurant for the 2nd time. And every single time afterwards as well. I am tremendously insecure and have serious self esteem problems.

Very few people know.

They see me as this person I've always dreamt i was. Strong, powerful, determined, secure, leader.

I'm not.

And when i have the chance to meet someone as wonderful as the man who's been sharing my life for the past four months, my old demons start to kick back in and i do stuff to sabotage my happiness. I don't do it consciously. But therapy has opened my eyes about it and i now notice when i do it. Which is a horrendous feeling. Cuz i don't think i can stop. I don't picture myself stopping. I cant control myself. Or so i think.

It's like being in a car full speed, seeing the wall getting closer and closer and closer and not hitting the brake.

I feel i could burst into flames.

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you. You're just too good to be true.

This is NOT a cry for help. I am not trying to kill myself. I don't want to die. I am just trying to deal with the bad ass addiction that's been mine for more than 30 years and that is called PAIN.