I Physically Harm Myself

I tried to put that sentence in a more tactful way but there is no tactful way to express the feeling and the fact that i do harm myself every day that passes. The only difference nowadays, is that i actually notice i'm doing it. I don't notice when i start, i notice while i'm doing it. And stopping is the most difficult thing I've ever have to do. In 3 words, i just can't. I can't stop doing it. It goes beyond me.

Why do i physically harm myself? I do it to punish myself. To punish myself from being happy. And today being the 4th month-versary i am with my boyfriend, it's reaching records heights. How do i do it? No, i don't cut myself, blood is too messy and leaves stains and remember, i'm a practical person. Mentally screwed up but practical nonetheless. I simply use the paper tissues i constantly have around me because of my constant nose-runs (how convenient) and rub it on my hands, arms, neck and every little piece of skin i can find until i almost bleed.

It's painful but since pain is addictive, i have to do it every time a little bit harder to make it actually "work". It leaves marks all over my body. But that pain is comforting cuz i know it. Isn't it what addictions are all about? Escaping reality through sensations you know, like a comfort blanket?

I've done it since as long as i can remember. Why am i doing it? Psychologists all agree on that point: i punish myself for being the happy person my mother never managed to be. I punish myself cuz even I can't make her happy. I punish myself cuz unconsciously  i have convinced myself i don't deserve that happiness. If she can't be happy (and even more if I can't make her happy) then who the hell do i think i am to lush in all that happiness?

It is screwed up. I need therapy. I've been through sessions already and stopped cuz it was just too hard emotionally  I bailed out on the idea of getting helped and/or getting better because i didn't feel i could cope with it anymore without losing myself in it. I am deadly scared of changes even though i don't admit it. This is why i always order the same food when i go to the same restaurant for the 2nd time. And every single time afterwards as well. I am tremendously insecure and have serious self esteem problems.

Very few people know.

They see me as this person I've always dreamt i was. Strong, powerful, determined, secure, leader.

I'm not.

And when i have the chance to meet someone as wonderful as the man who's been sharing my life for the past four months, my old demons start to kick back in and i do stuff to sabotage my happiness. I don't do it consciously. But therapy has opened my eyes about it and i now notice when i do it. Which is a horrendous feeling. Cuz i don't think i can stop. I don't picture myself stopping. I cant control myself. Or so i think.

It's like being in a car full speed, seeing the wall getting closer and closer and closer and not hitting the brake.

I feel i could burst into flames.

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you. You're just too good to be true.

This is NOT a cry for help. I am not trying to kill myself. I don't want to die. I am just trying to deal with the bad ass addiction that's been mine for more than 30 years and that is called PAIN.