Back to Work

In exactly ONE more week, I'll be seeing the end of my back to work day after 6 MONTHS and 2 WEEKS off of work. I'm probably as nervous as i was a few days prior to starting this job 2,5 years ago. But most of it all, i also wish i didn't have to go back. Don't take me wrong, it's not because i don't like my job, on the contrary, i love it, but after this massive amount of time out of it and more to the point, after 3 months spent with my little miss, i can't seem to grasp the fact that in a week's time, i won't be spending my entire days with her.

She'll be in good hands for sure. With her dad in the mornings since he works from home and with a nanny 4 afternoons a week. So yeah. We can't say we won't see her grow up because she spends 50 hours a week with a nanny. My cousin is a nanny and she told me she has a little girl about 50 hours a week. I mean seriously. I can understand you having a very busy schedule with work and so but i couldn't get myself to leave my child with someone else for more time during the week than what I'd actually spend with her. What's the point of having a child in the first place? My point of view obviously but seriously. Would that be a wake up call if the child ends up calling the nanny "mom"?

Anyways.

So yeah, back to work in a week. I know everybody is telling me that it's gonna be good for me, that I'll see other people, I'll get out of the house and the baby-caring routine 24/7. I know they're right. I know it's important to just go out there and not worry about the baby and do stuff for myself and shit. And I've done it. Left her with her grand-mother, or her dad and get going with my stuff.

But what if i don't want that? What if i wanted to stay at home to take care of my daughter and be a housewife? Given I'd be a terrible one since i hate doing chores but a house-mom. I'd like that!

I honestly never thought I'd ever say something like this. Me having kids was not a given thing to begin with but the fact that I'm happy being at home with her, wow, that's surely an entire new dimension. I was always convinced that, if i had kids one day, I'd be eagerly waiting to go back to work and be the super-wonder-working-mom. 

Well. 

Nope.

I am this complete different person now and let's be honest, becoming a parent changes you. My sole priority now is my daughter. And my family. Would i be filthy rich, or just rich enough not to have to go back, i honestly wouldn't. I know we always joked about winning the lottery and what we'd do with all that money. I've always said: I'd keep on working not to lose control over my life and keep it real but right this second, give me a check of several millions euros, i would at least take a sabbatical. 

Bottom line is: i have 2 more chances this week to become a millionaire with the national lottery. I'll play. Who knows? My wish might be granted!

Why cuddling polar bear mommy with cub? Because it's cute that's why!

Sad But True

The other night, as we were laying in bed, Bruno said something that really buggered me. It buggered me because when I came to think about it, I thought it was not only true but incredibly sad: technology has taken over us.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people don't actually care or think that'd matter but it's been such an incredible amount of time since the last time I read in bed before sleeping. What do I do instead? I play on my stupid phone. Not only is it not good to actually be in front of a screen just before going to sleep but it's also so much less stimulating intellectually.

I used to read tons and tons of books a year. But now, i barely read one a month. I have about 5 or 6 that I've started but not finished. They're laying around in the house, on my night stand, on my desk ... I'm TSUNDOKU all over the place! LOL.

I absolutely LOVE the fact that the Japanese actually have a word for that: TSUNDOKU is the condition of acquiring reading materials but letting them pile up in one's home without reading them. That is so accurate and so what's happening to me right now!

And it's not just the books that i'm leaving aside. I don't play sudoku anymore either. I used to fill up grids and grids every night. Well not anymore. Saaaad.

So today, i've decided something. Since i have just a week left before getting my ass back to work hence with not that massive amount of "free time" in my hands (i put it in between quotation marks cuz let's be honest, having to care for a 3 months old is no vacation whatsoever. And there is pretty much no free time!), I will have a week to acclimatize!

In order for me to allow myself to play a game of stupid candy crush (damn that's addictive!), i'll first have to either, read at least a few pages of a book or even better, an entire chapter, fill up a grid of sudoku, write a journal and/or write a blog entry.

That's an excellent reason to go through the dozens of books still unread, the hundreds of sudoku puzzles waiting to be solved and increase the amount of entries in the blog i have abandonned a bit over the past few years. And let's be honest. Either writing or reading is so much better for the head than candy crushing! LOL

It's a win-win situation! 

OK, gotta go now! These candies ain't crushing on themselves!

I Get Knocked Down

But I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down ...

Ah ah ah, pretty sure you got that song stuck in your head now. It happened to me. To get knocked down and to get that song stuck in my head in the aftermaths.

I gave up on karate classes at the end of May. I was pregnant and didn't want to risk getting hurt or hurt the baby. And since i went on a maternity leave a whole 3 months earlier than expected, needless to say i didn't do much physical efforts at all. 

When my OB/GYN told me i could start practicing again, weeeee, I was so excited. Waited until after the Christmas holidays and went back on the tatamis. 

I felt stiff with very contracted movements but enjoyed being back in action.

I'm not a very good karateka, I'm just green belt (without any practice in 9 months). So i was a bit nervous to have to play pretend in a fight with a brown belt. The guy is nice and he's obviously a lot better than i am but i knew he wouldn't be an ass and try to voluntarily hurt me. 

Since he's also a lot taller than i am, he swept me a few times with indecent ease. Except that on the last "fight", i got knocked out. And no, i didn't get up again. I didn't even hit my head, it was my hip that hit the floor and i was K.O.

My eyes filled up with tears instantly. Not from the pain but from a rage that crept from inside me at the speed of light. I couldn't get up or speak. I could see and hear what was going on around me but i was unable to function. It's an extremely frustrating feeling. I was short of breath and i was angry. I was so freaking angry I could barely keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

That's when i knew i could never have been an athlete. I can't handle losing, i can't control myself, i can't keep a clear mind of what's going on, rage blinds me. It's terrible.

And it's kinda scary as well. To be KO i mean. It's that weird feeling that you have zero control over what's going on. You can't talk, can't breathe well. You can't handle yourself basically.

Bruno has been in the martial arts for over 20 years and he knew what to do to make me get my shit and mind together again. But he mentioned something i thought was interesting. In boxing, when someone gets knocked out easily (even if he/she doesn't get hit in the head or face), they're called "tender". So yeah, I'm tender. Just because, apparently, my brain is not glued to my skull, it's easy to knock me down. 

Good thing I'm not planning on taking over the world with my karate moves!

hihihi, you can hate me now!

Happy New Year

Yes I know, it's already January 15th so what?

I figured out that i couldn't start the new year with a new post without writing about wishes and shit. So yeah, a new year started 2 weeks ago, didn't do anything fancy, just the 2 of us, some champagne and home made sushis and it was perfect.

I do not wish anything extremely complicated for 2017, i just wish that we'll finally finish up with the house and move in there this summer.

As for the resolutions, i'd love to say that i'll write at least twice a month in this blog but let's be honest, with a baby and work starting again soon, that'll most likely won't happen. Even if i had all the time in the world like right now, since i'm still on maternity leave, i don't find the energy or the will to write. Too bad. My laziness will certainly have the best of me.

Anyways, to a beautiful 2017. May it brings you happiness, love, health and peace of mind.