Happiness Kills Inspiration

I'm not sure if i ever wrote that before here in this blog but i'm positive i've said it before: happiness doesnt do any good to my inspiration. When i'm pissed off, when i'm in pain, when i'm depressed, when i'm in awe in front of people's stupidity or ignorance, oh man, i get super productive. Check the months of May and June ... I mean i wrote 39 posts in 2 months! When my normal average is 8-10 a MONTH. And now that i am a happy camper, well, i have zero inspiration. Cuz i think writing stuff related to oh my god i'm so happy and thrilled and shit is boring. To me at least.
I've been writing a diary for maybe 16 years, from the age of 10 up until i was 26. And i only wrote when i was feeling down, sad or blue. So there's always been those long periods of time with not a single line written. I did try to write but the only think i wascoming out with was: i am happy.

...
*sigh*

And then what do you write after that?
Ramble on for pages about what makes you happy?
I generally only need ONE line.

I'm better at spreading my venom on these pages, just like i spread butter on my toast in the morning, than putting little flower shit around every single ones of my sentences.

So yeah. I'm happy.
So i might not write as much for the coming days.
Or weeks.
I'm saying it for you not to worry. I'm not blue. I'm not depressed. I'm not slicing my veins open. I'm just happy. And no, i dont want to write about it. I'm keeping it all for myself. Cuz i'm like that.

And you know what's great about me being happy? I cook again =)


  

On How I Failed

A few weeks ago, i unexpectedly got myself into subscribing for a blog called It Starts With Us. I wouldnt say i bumped into it by chance because the more life goes, the less i believe in chance and luck. "The goal of ItStartsWith.Us is to build a global community of individuals focused on making a positive impact in the lives of the people around them". We, as individuals, cannot change the world but we, as individuals can change the perception people have around us. And if ALL of us would do something like this, than yes, we could change the world. Nate St. Pierre is the man behind that brilliant idea and every Tuesday, we all receive an assignment, a mission towards that goal of changing the world. It is generally a "simple" mission, something that shouldnt take more than 15 minutes of your time.
Needless to say that after i subscribed, i was eagerly waiting for my first assignment. And it came, as always, on a Tuesday:
"Meet someone new this week. In person or online, it doesn't matter . . . just have a sincere conversation with someone you don't yet know. And here's the kicker - try to think of a way you can help them with something, either right then and there, or during a follow-up later in the week."

And i went blanck.
I was like, shit, that's a tricky one. How am i supposed to meet someone new? WHERE am i supposed to meet someone new. I mean, i meet new people every day at work, and a lot of them. But to consider one of them as a possible candidate for that assignment, to have a meaningful and sincere conversation with one of them was like, mmm, how???
People always seem to think i'm this outgoing person, meeting new people every other day, talking to complete strangers all the time and friends of mine, and when i talked to them about that, seemed to say, oh, it's gonna be piece of cake for you this one. Really? Piece of cake? I've actually lost sleep over that mission. I was looking at the calendar, seeing the days passing and getting more and more nervous by the hour. I realized i was going to fail miserably on my FIRST mission. I mean how bad is that? On top of everything else, all the people i mentioned that first assignment to kept on inquiring on how the "meeting a new person" was going? Reminding me how bad i was failing at it.
I have sincere and meaningful conversations with people, with a lot of them. But weirdly, none of the ones i had that week seemed to fit. The guy asking me in the fruit department of wal-mart if i knew where to find bagels in Vallarta didnt seem like a good option, this guest i took care of asking me to hold on to his camera so he could run up to his cabin on the 14th floor of the cruise ship so i could take a picture of him from the pier was a word machine and i couldnt allow myself to step out of work to listen to him and the people in the bus at 6pm on their way back home dont seem to want to do anything else but arrive back home and rest.
I mean isnt there anybody alone or lonely in this world that could have crossed my path this week and helped me complete my mission? Or was it really for me an impossible one to accomplish?

When i received this week's assignment ("inspire someone"), i was excited again. I was supposed to write someone i care about a letter or an email to inspire him/her. And when that very same day, i received a text from my best friend saying how stressed and depressed she was at the idea of presenting her driving licence for the Nth time the following morning, i knew it was a clear sign to me that she would be the one to benefit that mission.
She called me this morning and told me: I GOT IT! Thank you SOOOO much for the kind words, it made my day.
Hearing her so happy truly made my day as well. And i wasnt even out of bed yet!! I realized at that very moment, how powerful words can be, how much a few kind words can do, how big an impact they can make. I'm not saying that thanks to my letter to her, she succeeded her driving exam. But i guess she realized how much she means and how great she is and that everybody can use a little reminder every now and then. I, on the other hand, realized how easy it is to make someone feel good and how rarely we take the time to do it. How much does a compliment cost? How much does a smile cost?
NOTHING.
Absolutely nothing.

I completed mission #2 almost on the day it arrived. However, i have this feeling of un-accomplishment because i didnt complete mission #1. I feel like a fraud. I feel like i passed to level 2 using a shortcut, totally cheating everybody. And it doesnt make me feel good at all. It kinda tarnishes the pleasure i had to make my friend happy and confident. And i know i wont feel at ease with my missions until i complete them ALL. Until i complete the first one i was given.
So this is a message to that complete stranger out there: we will meet sometimes soon and i have this unexplicable feeling it'll bring something great to both of us.
I have said before that i believe that everything happens for a reason. All of the dots are connecting right now, little by little, and it seems that life is putting all the tools in my hands to make me understand that it is my turn to be happy. And it seems that i can reach that goal by making other people smile. Everybody has a reason to be on this earth, apparently, mine is to make people smile. Otherwise, how would you explain me finding websites like Operation Beautiful, It Starts With Us or Drop a Love Bomb ?
By luck?
By chance?
I dont think so.


  

Is It Real Life?

We are in the midst of the rainy season here but it's been some serious shit lately. Our first real bad ass storm was on saturday night. Wind so strong a few branches fell of my trees, rain so thick i couldnt see my fence from my bedroom window (20 meters away), it was so bad even my dog got to sleep inside the house!!
Well today it was worse. The second i hopped in my car, it started raining pouring. And i mean i had a 20 minutes drive to do to get back home from work. When you realize you're driving 40 km/h on a highway and that your wipers at their fastest dont do the job anymore, you know things are bad. But i mean BAAAD. And it got even worse when i realized public light was down which means no traffic lights no more. And at a point on my trip back home, i have a 6 lines street to cross. With no lights to stop the crazy cars from coming. Not that they arrive fast anyway but still.

That was what it was looking like (sorry pictures are crap but try to drive AND take a picture, i mean how do i know where i'm going??). As you can tell, well, you dont really see who's in front of you, who's behind, who's arriving ahead. How the hell do you want me to cut the traffic to go to the other side?? Well, i did it the Mexican way (damn, i was just born to do that shit), "a la brava", engaged first gear and hoped for the best. I understand that turning your lights on are not gonna be of much help to YOU but damn, it surely help ME seeing you coming. Bloody tsuru i almost cut it in two!

The highway is inclined so all the water goes to one side of the road. So basically, it doesnt really matter that it rains so hard, you dont really slide with your car. Then i have to go through one of those famous cobblestone streets and since it's just next to this big wide canal, not so much of an issue there either.
But when i arrived to my colonia, my neighborhood, oh man, that was another story.
Remember the dikes?
Yeah well me too.
They're doing a hell of a job.
Water does NOT go through. It STAYS ON THE ROAD. Cuz the canal that's right at the dikes' feet was so full it was vomiting the excess of water on the road  and the current was so strong you could have raft in it. A-MA-ZING.
Couldnt take picture of the dikes and the grand canyon river, i was busy trying to remember where bloody speed bumps are (cuz honestly, you couldnt see them no more).

And that's when i got ....
THERE:

I mean seriously.
I have a Ford Ikon, not a speedboat. Not a Hummer either you know. My car doesnt like water. It just doesnt. And i JUST got it fixed. I would have opened my door, water would have rushed in. Seriously this is how high the water level was. I could actually hear it clapping against the driver's door.
Then the road goes up. Not much but enough for the extra squillion tons of water to run down the streets. It kinda reminded me those movies where a press is breaking and you have those huge massive waves coming down and drowning everybody. Well when you see a plastic chair and a volley ball passing next to your window, it surely feels like it.

Oh, and did i say there was lightning as well? The lightning is to light up your evening and make you notice how serious the flood is !! I mean it was apocalypse now. The end of the world.

Wasnt it supposed to be in 2012?

Dude, it's still 2010. Get a grip.
Or better, get a calendar!


  

I Have 10 Fans !!

One day, a friend of mine asked me: Maty, how many people do you think read your blog. And i answered, i dont know, maybe 4 or 5. And he said, i bet there are way more than that. And i was like, mmm, i dont know, i really dont.

And then i started receiving emails, and written comments, and spoken comments, people talking to me about my blog, more and more every week, even people i would never have IMAGINED would be those reading my blog.
It's flattering. It's extremely flattering.

But a few days ago, it felt even better:

I NOW HAVE 10 FANS.

I know it sounds stupid and childish but i dont care. I have 10 fans. 10 people who took the time to sign up to receive updates on what i wrote.

Man.
I'm honored.

This
Is
Priceless.


  

Me and ... The Bus

For the Nth time this year, my car broke down. I told my mechanic it has asthma. That's how it feels anyway. And unfortunately, i dont think there are inhalors for cars. It had to go straight to the lung doctor aka the mechanic. He called me the following day and said: darling, it's the air valve, which makes your car act like it's in 5th when it should be in 3rd and sucks gaz like a drug addict snorting coke. Yeah, i know. He said it'll be a few days to fix it since he needed to order the valve. Whatever.

I dont really use my car. Well i mean i do but i dont really NEED my car. Whether it's to go to work or to go anywhere else, there are buses pretty much everywhere. And to any destination. And the closest bus passes one block away from my house.
So on Wednesday, first day without my car, i had to take the bus to go to work. No big deal. I actually kinda like taking the bus cuz i dont have to worry about other people on the road. As most of you know already, i tend to lose focus easily, i tend to lose my train of thoughts, to be all over the place, to daydream a lot and above all, i love to do people watching. So in the bus, i can do all that.

So here i was, 7:30am, at the corner of the block, at the bus stop, waiting for my dear beloved bus to come pick me up. It showed up maybe 5 minutes later, at full throttle. Here in Mexico, unless you wave the bus driver, he will no stop. Problem was, bloody bus was so jammed packed people were HANGING OUTSIDE!! O_o

In the split second i realized that and the moment the bus was arriving where i was standing i thought "there is no way he's gonna stop" but i mechanically waved at it anyway.

And it stopped.
In front of me.
And i laughed.
I mean, dude, where am i supposed to stand? I dont mind standing in the bus, i'd actually rather stand than sit but there is no ROOM to even stand. I couldnt stop laughing cuz honestly, for me, at that moment, it was just unreal. Well i guess being a woman in Mexico surely helps sometimes, one of the guy hanging pushed himself up, the other one hanging let me hop on, and got back to his hanging place, basically making a human railing for me not to fall. How sweet.

This is the bus i'm taking in the morning. The exact same one except that mine doesnt say "ixtapa" in the windshield. But this picture is a real one from Puerto Vallarta, taken downtown.

I pass you the details of MORE people hopping on, and people getting off so having to get down every stop to let them pass. All that happening at 7:30 in the morning. I mean you havent even started your working day and it's already an adventure!!

Well today was a little different. I was working further north, in the other state to be precise. So i had to get a connection bus! jaja. 15-20 minutes of the local bus and then 30-40 minutes of the interstate one. When you're in the bus for 15 minutes, standing is ok. But i mean when you're standing for 40 minutes, it's a lot less fun. But again, that was without counting on some of my co-worker's gallantry. I got on the interstate bus after maybe 25 people. And another 10 were behind me!!!! As i was heading towards the back of the bus (cuz i'm not fond of people rubbing their ass against mine as they try to get out), a colleague of mine just waved at me and told me to take his seat. Awww. How sweet.

One of my main problem with the bus, it's like the train, it rocks me to sleep. And since i hadnt slept enough the night before, i was gone the second the bus took off. To have the same colleague poke me in the shoulder 30 minutes later telling me, hey, we're there. Damn. I would have slept another hour and came back to where i started from!

On my way back tonight, the ride was nasty though. All that i dont like about the bus, was there. So between the guy with his i-pod full volume with banda music (please, take my headset, i'm offering them to you, no you dont have to give them back to me, i'm fine), the AC that is not working (it's 4pm and 40°C outside) so sweat dripping in my back and pretty much everywhere else (and everybody else as well, eww), the traditional mexican family coming back from the beach with 6 kids and 6 massive inflatable rings INFLATED still, a screaming kid who's gonna burst his lungs open and my accumulated tiredness, nope, interstate bus ride back home wasnt fun. But i just love the local bus one. It was as packed as in the morning one but with a whole bunch of people going back home after their long day at work, in the heat, standing in their glorious sweat, tight as sardines in their tin box, about to lose their balance and fall every time the bus is starting up, hanging outside the bus again and´passing the money to pay their trip cuz they got on by the back door, and getting their change and ticket back a few minutes later after every single person in the bus has touched it, people answering their phone, others struggling to make their way out and people like me, chatting on my phone with my 2 best friends (one on the other side of the world, the other on the other side of the country), enjoying every second of the ride, soaking myself into people's every day life.

I love the bus. I actually love it so much i miss my stop half of the time.
It didnt happen today though. I've noticed last time that i needed to ring the bell in front of the beer store and get off in front of the ice cream store. And that the second i ring the bell, i need to start hacking my way through the mob to make sure i get to the door on time to get off.

Cuz i'd die of embarassment if i had to scream "bajan" to the driver.


  

I'm In Here

Everything does happen for a reason, even if that reason is beyond our understanding. Poor mortals of us. I've been feeling lonely lately, and consequently, i've been thinking a lot about what i have felt in the past. I'd love to love again. I'd love to feel that warm feeling inside of you when you see that special person entering the room. Unfortunately, i'm under the impression that i can't anymore. I can appreciate people a lot, like them a lot, have a great time with them but it feels like love, real love, has just left my heart.

Add to that the amount of shit i'm carrying around  and this song, by Sia, tells my story exactly.

It is a beautiful yet heart-wrenching song. Get your tissues, click on the following link, and let yourself be swept away ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ex7NFDXQoo&feature=related

Sia - I'm in here

I'm in here, can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?
I'm in here, a prisoner of history,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for,
You to come rescue me,
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with, inside of me.

I'm in here, I'm trying to tell you something,
Can anybody help?
I'm in here, I'm calling out but you can't hear,
Can anybody help?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for,
You to come rescue me,
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with, inside of me.

I'm crying out, I'm breaking down,
I am fearing it all,
Stuck inside these walls,
Tell me there is hope for me
Is anybody out there listening?

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for,
You to come rescue me,
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with, inside of me.

Can't you hear my call?
Are you coming to get me now?
I've been waiting for,
You to come rescue me, 
I need you to hold,
All of the sadness I cannot
Live with, inside of me.

These Boots Are Made For Walking

That's just what they'll do ...
And one of these days these boots are gonna
Walk
All
Over
YOU

I just adquired a pair of boots. I mean gardener's boots. That's what the tag says. They are black non-even-remotely-fancy boots and i already LOVE them. Now i want it to be tomorrow morning so i can slip my feet in and go all the way down that road a few blocks away from my house that i have been avoiding like the plague lately cuz i lost one of my tennis shoes in the mud. I also so hope it's gonna pour tonight ALL night so it's nice and muddy tomorrow and i'll be so excited with my boots. I'll most likely be like a little kid playing in the mud. Cuz that's how i am. I enjoy the simple things of life and it's been how long since i last played in the mud with new boots? An eternity.

So right now, i'm gonna christen them in my garden - cuz i have to walk within rotten mangos, rotten leaves and most likely bugs and shit like that (a few weeks ago my dog even found a snake) - i have no idea what i'll be doing in my garden (probably picking up the last mangos of the season ... FINALLY) but i just want to wear them and get them wet.

WOOOO.

Love it already =)




PS: believe it or not, i cant find one single picture of boots like mine. So i guess i'll take a picture of them, obviously as i wear them ;)


*** UPDATE ***
First of all, here you go for the picture of the famous boots ...

Fancy hey? jajaja. And with my green sweat pants shorts, very appropriate for gardening. Am I rocking the gardener's outfit or what?

So just came back from my garden, damn, my arms are going to KILL me tomorrow. I moved tons (or what seemed like tons) of gravels over ground recently cleaned up so that weed doesnt grow ( and i mean i still dont have bought a wheelbarrow so i did it all with a SPADE (OMFG)), collected all the trash that the ex-owner kindly left behind, bathed my dog, contemplated how many mangos are STILL hanging on the trees (*gasp*) and felt man, this place is freaking AWESOME.

So now it is high time to get myself a reward for doing all that and i'm going out to eat sushis! WOOOO.


  

Blue

I feel blue. I've felt like that since yesterday afternoon/evening. I am tired. It's been raining for 3 days which doesnt help my mood. Neighbor's dog is about to receive a bullet in between its two eyes. By me. Gimme a gun. Now. I've been assaulted and invaded by giant flying ants (true story). I felt in the mud. Again. Mangos are rotting in my garden. I hit a monster giant cockroach 4 times and it's still flying around. I mean the motherfucker is the size of my palm almost. Gross. I dont like flying things. I wish i were away. I wish i wouldnt have to deal with people. I wish i could sleep for 3 days straight. I urgently need to walk my dog. And clean my house. And buy new tennis shoes. I want to take E again. I want to want to laugh again. I feel empty inside. And over-filled at the same time. I want someone in my life, so i can get laid on a regular basis and i can cuddle in the middle of the night. I'm hot. I'm cold. I miss my little brother so bad. And my dad. And my best friend. I wish i had answers to my questions. I wish i'd know the questions. I must paint my house. And empty all the boxes. I must make this place a home. Soon. I'm having weird disturbing dreams. And more disturbing thoughts in the morning. I want a terrace. And a hammock. I've read one of the books my mom sent me in 45 minutes. I think i'm gonna read Harry Potter again. And wish i had a magic wand. I got my period. I'm all over the place.
I need a hug.

I am blue.

But i got an awesome new tattoo ...


  

Mexico @ 6am ...

6am is the time i wake up on working days. I zombily hop into my sweat pants and shoes and take my dog for her morning walk. This routine is so anchored in me that i dont even realize i'm ready until i actually lock the front door.

Mexico at 6am is my favorite one. It's dark still, it's cool and more than anything, it's quiet. Of course there is the pile of trash that hasnt been collected yet sitting in ever corner, people waiting for the bus (bus start operating at 5:30am in my neighborhood), roosters and chickens singing in the trees (and me dreading one of them will mis-step and fall on me) and people driving their car to work as well but only in a small part of my usual route. Again, i am so use to taking the same itinerary every day that i am starting to bump into the same people every morning, also to know who lives where, who wakes up at what time, who's coming to buy their tortillas in what truck (the tortilla place smells so freaking good in the morning oh my, that's probably why i'm so hungry when i arrive back home ... and eat bread!!) and vice versa! Now the fruit store 6am employee waves at me and my dog when i pass in front of his store, same for the tortilla guys!

Well today was a different day. It was a different day because it rained all night. So my morning route, the one i take every single day, was quite different than its usual self. I always try to walk my dog through un-paved streets cuz i really dont think dogs are meant to walk and run on cement. Not all the time anyway. So i avoid is as much as i can when i chose a new itinerary. Well it seems like i'm gonna have to find out a rain-route. Cuz the normal route is so not happening again after a night's worth of rain. All the un-paved streets were rivers. Some shallow and some pretty damn deep. I mean Niki doesnt care, she has raincoat and rain boots included. I dont. And my sneakers are so not made for that kind of terrain anymore. I've been using them to walk my dog for about 2 years now and the sole doesnt even have a grip anymore. So needless to say that muddy streets are VERY slippery. And my dog, in the morning, after a 10 hours night, has more energy than a bulldozer. I almost fell like 10 times within the half block outside my house. And when there is just this tiny little space to pass on the other bank in a relatively dry yet muddy patch, Niki always finds the way to cut in front of me with her leash, to push me so she can get on the dry patch she didnt even need in the first place or to jump in the mud pond next to me and covering me. I mean come on i was trying to stay dry.

They say walking your dog is the best way to meet people, even one of the best way to find a date. Aja. Sure. Wearing sweat pants and rain boots, and after i struggle my way out of the mud-pond (if i havent actually fell in it), what do i do? Invite him/her for coffee at my place, knowing that Niki would have dashed in to chase the geckos and cover the floor in muddy water. Yeah. Welcome home.

Question: is there such thing as fancy rain boots?


     

Is It Really Me?

As most of you know by now, i recently moved to a new property. It is a pretty small house but the garden is very big and that was exactly what i was looking for. After weeks of waiting for the ex-owner to come pick up the shit he left behind when he sold me the place, he finally came. I'm actually pissed off at his guys cuz they managed to leave some of the crap behind (even after 3 loads) and they knocked down 2 papaya trees that were growing at the back of the property. And then they have the balls to leave me their business card in case i need some work done on my land. Morrons. If you work the same way you clean, no thanks.

But anyway. The day he came, he brought with him the plans he had made of what he had in mind for that place. I mean there are 17 light connections, 15 plugs and 12 water points on the property. Obviously lights and plugs are inside the house i'm living in since the rest of the land is not built yet. When the plumber came, he asked me what i was planning on doing with all those connections? And i was like, hey, i just moved in and i'm just finding out about that electric and plumbing invasion. When the builder came, he asked me the exact same question. So i really wondered what the ex-owner had in mind. Was he planning on building a SPA or something?
So when he told me over the phone that he was gonna give me the plans (he's an architect) as a present, i was like ok, cool, i'm finally gonna find out WTF he had in mind.

Well i have the plans in front of me right now. When he came, he actually explained everythig to me. But with all due respect, it still doesnt make ANY sense. Not to me anyway. First there is no drawing or sketch about the inside of what's already built. And i really would have liked to know what exactly was he picturing down here considering that i dont have a connection for gaz. Nor had i a sink when i moved in. But a bad ass shower, yes, i have that.

So you dont want to live in that part of the house but there is a fantastic bathroom in it? Mmm.

Supposedly, the plan was that on the first floor, right above where i am right now (which isnt built yet), there was going to be a massive bedroom of 50m2, with an amazing 10m2 bathroom and a kitchenette.

WTF?

So he was planning on building a studio upstairs.

Oh man, the plan of downstairs would really enlighten me right now.

But moving on. There are, at the back of the actual house, a construction that was started some time back but not even half done. Studying it, i thought, ok, this is for 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Right on. And i pictured myself building up a guest house for that. But then i saw his plans and it's not a guest house at all. It's actually a bedroom (that you access to through the garden???) with its own bathroom and then, what i thought was the 2nd bedroom is in fact a laundry room (oh the life of rich people) and a toilet that opens on the garden, and a urinal (yes you read right, there is a separate room for men to pee - cuz we all know men cannot pee in a normal toilet), and last but not least, a tool room.

The fact that the stairs to access second floor was going to be outside the house is something so common here in Mexico that it didnt even surprise me.

And that's not it. The garden, that very same garden that had all the appeal in the world to me was going to be cemented (gasp) and one of the mango tree was gonna be knocked down (re-gasp - even though i must admit that considering the fact they were going to cement it all, a mango falling from 30 meters above the ground and smashing itself on the cemented terrace, that's messy. Especially when, during mango season, there are countless amount of fruits that are actually falling from the tree, you imagine the mess. It'd be sticky under the stilettos)

The only cool thing i saw (and still see) on the plan is the massive barbecue station. THAT is so happening. Not as fancy as it looks on the paper but i will happen.

And if my dad can make me the favor when he comes at the end of the year, oh yeah, i'm gonna have a BBQ for Xmas. Who's cooking?


  

Not Afraid

A few days back, a friend of mine came over for a nice chat around a glass of wine. It was supposed to be a girls evening at home, chit-chatting about this and that, us and them, whatever light-hearted topics 2 girls and a bottle of white wine can come out with. What i did not see coming at all, was our conversation slidding to a private therapy session right in my living room. My friend is a psychologist and she nailed my shit on the wall in a split second. It has been a long time (and i'm not even sure it ever HAPPENED to me before) since i had such an intense conversation with someone, a freaking long time since i last cried that much, and an even longer time since i realized how bloody screwed up in the head i really am.

I believe we all have issues and i believe that most of them are due to our relationships with our mother. Mine being a shrink, you'd think that i wouldnt be that big of a mess emotionally. Well, i'm not THAT BIG of a mess, i'm just a GIGANTIC one.

I am not going to write here what the conversation was about since there are only a very few things that are actually more private and intimate than that. But there is one thing she told me (out of the many things i could discuss here!) that smacked me in the face and made me realize that i really do need help.
But i mean NOW.
In between two nose blowing and tear wiping - and it's important that i mention here that i wasnt sobbing loudly and uncontrollably but tears were running down my cheeks non stop yet silently - she said: "this is the little girl inside of you who's crying right now. And by doing it silently as you're doing it right this very second, by trying to swallow your tears, you make sure that nobody hears her. Not even you. Not even your inner self. The little girl inside of you is completely alone. How is she supposed to deal with all that shit if nobody can hear her crying for help?"

And there went the river i cried. No kidding. Hear THAT when you're already well shaken emotionally and i challenge you to stoically keep sitting on your couch. If you can do that, you are dead inside.

Needless to say that the following morning, after 4 not enough hours of sleep and as many crying my eyes out, i had the worse emotional hangover there is. If such thing exists. I was feeling drained with not an ounce of strength left. I wanted to puke, i couldnt even eat anything for breakfast that morning. I was feeling positively SICK. The only thing i thought i was capable of that day was sleeping all day. I drove to work with no recall of the ride. Worked my day through with no idea of how i did it or how well i did it, not remembering much of it. It was like i was out of me, a different person, in a different body.
I slept 3 hours straight as soon as i came back home. And even after that nap that i so badly needed, i felt completely spaced out. Not all there. At all.

Since then, this conversation still feels completely surreal. I'm not even sure it actually happened anymore. It opened up such a huge can of worms it kinda grossed me out. And two options are now lying in front of me:
- put the lid back on the can, push it aside, hope it vanishes in thin air and convince myself everything is going to be ok (so unlikely to happen unfortunately)
- kick the can, face the worms, and smash all of them motherfuckers.

I've always been attracted to Eminem's music. Not because i like rap, i do (but i'm not crazy about it) but mainly because he sings the way i feel inside. I mean he doesnt really sing, he SPITS his rage through his lyrics. And if you listen well to the tone of his voice, it generally escalates during the song into big angry ranting and cursing against pretty much everything and anything. The guy's angry and jeez, does it show.
Well the lyrics below are from a song of him called "Not Afraid" (hence the title of this post) from his last album "Recovery". He's talking about his experience in getting clean from his pain killer addiction. I have highlighted my favorite quotes, which i think, can apply to a lot of what i am feeling right now.
I think the time has finally come for me to grab myself by the guts, call a shrink, make an appointment and start spilling it all out. For my well being. For my happiness. And more than anything, for my mental health.

PS: i would have put up the video here but i still havent figured out how to do it :s (me and technology will probably end up being a pretty post right on these pages).
But you can click on the link below, it'll take you there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Yeah, It's been a ride..
.I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way Imma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit and
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle lonely
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin at stars I feel amazing and 



I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

I Might Shoot The Neighbor's Dog

Don't call PeTA just yet, it is just a thought. A thought that has been haunting me for quite a while already but still a thought anyway. Why, me, the animal lover and dog owner get to the point to write such an extreme title? Because the damn animal just doesnt shut up.

OK for simplifying purposes, i'm gonna say that mentioned-dog is a "he". There is no way a female would be barking her head off that much anyway so i'm pretty confident it's a he =D
To start with, he's a schnauzer. Or a schnauzer looking kinda dog. I mean i have nothing against the breed, especially since that poor thing surely didnt had the option to chose his breed at first but i mean, in my experience, schnauzers are pains in the butt. They're those arrogant i-bark-my-head off kinda dog. I'm wondering if they're french ... Surely act like ones ...
(OK just investigated through and they're of german origins (no kidding, with a name like that) and they're just full of praise for them, that they're this and that and awesome dogs and i'm telling you this is bullshit, they're loud and obnoxious).
Well maybe i HAVE something against that breed. Oh dear.

OK back to our topic.
This dog, as i was saying earlier, just doesnt shut up. He's barking his head off from the very first hours of the morning up until very late at night. How can he still have a "voice" left after such an intense recital every day eludes me but hey, what do i know about dogs vocal chords? So yeah, he starts the barking pretty much when i wake up or when i go out to walk my own quiet dog. And doesnt stop until way after i am lying in bed. And since my bedroom's window faces the neighbor's wall, i basically have front seat for the show ... And it bothers me. It bothers the crap out of me. Listening to a barking dog bothers me immensely, no matter if it's my own dog or someone else's. It's noise pollution and it is said to be bad for us human beings. Well, don't know about the rest of human kind but it's bad for me at least. Mexican people are used to live loudly and in loud environments. So i guess it doesnt bother them that much.
But i mean, come on, how ANNOYING is a barking dog? How stressful and irritating and annoying is a barking dog? When Niki starts to bark, i shut her up almost right away. Especially if it's in the middle of the night and she actually wakes me up. I am not gonna stay awake just because missy has found a lizard she's not happy to share her vital space with. 
Anyway. Back to my neighbor's dog. Barking, barking and more barking. I was telling that to my friend who heartlessly told me: poison him. And i was like, what? me? poisoning the dog? nooo i know i could never do such thing. Moreover, i was more thinking about SHOOTING him better. Something at least as violent as the annoyment i feel when i hear him. jaja.
But to be honest, i know this is something i could never ever do...



I could pay someone to do it though (evil smile)


  

It's The Heat ...

Today has been an INSANELY hot day on the pier. I mean yes, i know what you're gonna say, DUH it's summer and you live in Mexico. Well yes, but still. It rained last night and jeez, it was sauna-like today. So by sheer curiosity, i've investigated online how hot it really was. And it said (quote): 31°C feeling 37°C. Humidity 77%.
So let me get things straight ok.
It's NOT 31°C out there and it's DEFINITELY NOT feeling like 37°C.

It's 45°C feeling 50°C.

With 150% humidity.

What?

You think I'm exagerating?

Well, maybe a little. But come to spend half hour with me on the pier and then we'll talk about how YOU feel about the heat. Cuz after all, it's MY blog and it's how I feel that matters right?? jaja. So yeah. Kinda tough day today. Didnt get it as bad as last week though when i actually got heat exhaustion but that's a boring (and an old) story.

Needless to say i was only too pleased when i grabbed my stuff and head to my car. What i didnt expect (and i'm starting to think i'm the only one who actually notice that kinda thing or actually the only one amazed or bumped or stunned by that kinda things) was to see what i saw when i got to my car. And since there is no way you'd believe me if i'd only SAY it (cuz some people seem to think that i'm inventing all those things to be funny - and i'm repeating again that no, i'm not funny, those things really happen to me), i took a picture of it.

OH MY GOD.

I mean the guy is actually PASSED OUT DRUNK on the sidewalk. What you can't see on this picture was the empty bottles of beer and the empty bottle of cheap tequila. Cuz let's have some respect for the man (since he obviously lost the little respect he had for himself), i took the picture from behind my wheel, once i was inside my car =)
So even though it's gonna sound weird, well this guy kinda made my day. My work day was long, unpleasant because of the weather conditions today, it was a moment when i was so very much longing to be back home and indulging in this long cold shower to remove the sweat and the stickiness out, a moment i was tired and oh so ready to go home and then i saw him.
What does he care about?
Don't worry about the heat. Just be drunk happy!

And as they say in one spanish song ... "y tras varios tequilas, las nubes se van pero el sol no regresa" (yeah i know they don't talk about THAT sun, oh, shut up, whatever)


PS: i asked about "is it only happening to me?" thingy. And a mexican friend of mine told me, no, it's not only happening to you but you're the only one thinking that it is not normal.
OH.

OH.


HMMM.



Whaaaat?