Not Afraid

A few days back, a friend of mine came over for a nice chat around a glass of wine. It was supposed to be a girls evening at home, chit-chatting about this and that, us and them, whatever light-hearted topics 2 girls and a bottle of white wine can come out with. What i did not see coming at all, was our conversation slidding to a private therapy session right in my living room. My friend is a psychologist and she nailed my shit on the wall in a split second. It has been a long time (and i'm not even sure it ever HAPPENED to me before) since i had such an intense conversation with someone, a freaking long time since i last cried that much, and an even longer time since i realized how bloody screwed up in the head i really am.

I believe we all have issues and i believe that most of them are due to our relationships with our mother. Mine being a shrink, you'd think that i wouldnt be that big of a mess emotionally. Well, i'm not THAT BIG of a mess, i'm just a GIGANTIC one.

I am not going to write here what the conversation was about since there are only a very few things that are actually more private and intimate than that. But there is one thing she told me (out of the many things i could discuss here!) that smacked me in the face and made me realize that i really do need help.
But i mean NOW.
In between two nose blowing and tear wiping - and it's important that i mention here that i wasnt sobbing loudly and uncontrollably but tears were running down my cheeks non stop yet silently - she said: "this is the little girl inside of you who's crying right now. And by doing it silently as you're doing it right this very second, by trying to swallow your tears, you make sure that nobody hears her. Not even you. Not even your inner self. The little girl inside of you is completely alone. How is she supposed to deal with all that shit if nobody can hear her crying for help?"

And there went the river i cried. No kidding. Hear THAT when you're already well shaken emotionally and i challenge you to stoically keep sitting on your couch. If you can do that, you are dead inside.

Needless to say that the following morning, after 4 not enough hours of sleep and as many crying my eyes out, i had the worse emotional hangover there is. If such thing exists. I was feeling drained with not an ounce of strength left. I wanted to puke, i couldnt even eat anything for breakfast that morning. I was feeling positively SICK. The only thing i thought i was capable of that day was sleeping all day. I drove to work with no recall of the ride. Worked my day through with no idea of how i did it or how well i did it, not remembering much of it. It was like i was out of me, a different person, in a different body.
I slept 3 hours straight as soon as i came back home. And even after that nap that i so badly needed, i felt completely spaced out. Not all there. At all.

Since then, this conversation still feels completely surreal. I'm not even sure it actually happened anymore. It opened up such a huge can of worms it kinda grossed me out. And two options are now lying in front of me:
- put the lid back on the can, push it aside, hope it vanishes in thin air and convince myself everything is going to be ok (so unlikely to happen unfortunately)
- kick the can, face the worms, and smash all of them motherfuckers.

I've always been attracted to Eminem's music. Not because i like rap, i do (but i'm not crazy about it) but mainly because he sings the way i feel inside. I mean he doesnt really sing, he SPITS his rage through his lyrics. And if you listen well to the tone of his voice, it generally escalates during the song into big angry ranting and cursing against pretty much everything and anything. The guy's angry and jeez, does it show.
Well the lyrics below are from a song of him called "Not Afraid" (hence the title of this post) from his last album "Recovery". He's talking about his experience in getting clean from his pain killer addiction. I have highlighted my favorite quotes, which i think, can apply to a lot of what i am feeling right now.
I think the time has finally come for me to grab myself by the guts, call a shrink, make an appointment and start spilling it all out. For my well being. For my happiness. And more than anything, for my mental health.

PS: i would have put up the video here but i still havent figured out how to do it :s (me and technology will probably end up being a pretty post right on these pages).
But you can click on the link below, it'll take you there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Yeah, It's been a ride..
.I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

You could try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way Imma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn what you think
I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit and
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the whole universe

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud's still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle lonely
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazin at stars I feel amazing and 



I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Hola if you feel that you've been down the same road