I took me a while to convince myself this was the right thing to do. Because it was a very challenging ordeal and honestly, i feel that I've had quite my shares of those already.
There's no soft way of saying this so i'm gonna throw it on there just like it was, just the way it felt when i understood what was happening: i had a miscarriage. 6 months ago, i lost a baby that was so very much desired and wanted and today was my supposed due date.
I've heard and read that losing a child is the worse possible ordeal a parent can go through. I've seen my parents going through hell and 3 years later, i'm not even sure they're back from it. Life goes on though. I might say, maybe out of spite, maybe to reassure myself, that it was probably better to lose the baby (for lack of a better word since i don't feel like calling it a fetus, i saw its beating heart) 10 weeks into the pregnancy than having to abort it because of a malformation or having a still born but still. 10 weeks into a pregnancy, 1 week shy of my first trimester's ultrasound, trust me, we already had quite some time to get around the idea that it had finally worked out and we were going to welcome 2016 in style, with a baby.
Not so fast.
I'd be lying if i said i wasn't affected by it. Or that my man wasn't affected by it. We cried our eyes out, for days, and even months later, there are moments that are hard. Since i miscarried, i heard about 6 pregnancies, amongst which my sister in law's who told us a mere 3 weeks after we had lost ours. And hearing her telling us lightly that it was an accident, i honestly could have crucified her. Sorry if i'm not over the moon with the announcement, we lost ours 3 weeks ago, i had to go through a clinical abortion to clean my uterus of any residual baby stuff so not quite my happy little self right now.
Needless to say i called my mom right after i heard that news and crucified her on the phone. And again, my mother, amidst all the flaws that she might have, said something wise that brought me some kind of peace of mind.
She told me that my sister in law might be the biggest bitch walking this planet, she is absolutely NOT responsible in any way of what happened to me. And she was right. It's nobody's fault. My man used to work in Quality Management and used a sentence that was spot on: faulty piece, destruction mode on.
One out of 5 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage. Odds are the same each time you're pregnant. Meaning that it's not because you lost a child before the pregnancy term that you're safe for the next 4. It doesn't make it any easier but it kinda help put things into perspective.
We talked about it with friends and we were shocked to see how many of them came out with similar stories. Whereas it happened to them directly, to a sibling, a cousin or a close friend, not a single one of them haven't experience a miscarriage. Why is it still such a taboo? No idea.
I guess a miscarriage is, in some ways, like giving birth. Nobody ever tells you all the gory details about it. So here i am for just this!
10 weeks into my pregnancy, i started bleeding one evening, called French 911 panicking, decided to wait up until the following morning and woke my man up at 6am to ask him to take me to the ER. Waited there 4 hours crying my eyes out after an intern had examined me but couldn't tell me anything cuz you know, he's just an intern. Then the OB/GYN who had been called on an emergency c-section confirmed my biggest fear, i had lost it. Not my mind, but the baby (even though i was very close to lose my mind as well). Honestly, he was awesome. We arranged, between rivers of tears, an appointment for the surgery for the following week, i had to take pills to start the job (it's pills you take when you want to abort), bled for an entire week like I've never bled before (grossest periods ever), got under anesthesia, got the procedure done and was out of the hospital the same day. The pads they gave you in the hospital are almost as thick as adult diapers. Never in my entire life had i bled that much. It was like my body was catching up on the 2 months i hadn't had my periods and making me pay interests on this as well. Jeez. I had a 3 WEEKS long periods.
A month later, everything was back to normal with my cycle.
I'm not writing all of this to get sympathy. This is so not my thing. I'm writing this to get closure. The cycle of it all is done. I got pregnant, miscarried and then my due date came and went. End of story.
We keep on trying. Every month. It's hard not to think about it, not to focus on what date is supposedly good, not to fuck with the sole purpose of reproducing. It's hard. We know it works. And as my man said, if we can't have one on our own, there are many options that can work for us. But we'll be parents one day. Some bad ass parents with a 8th wonder of the world of our own...