Sunday, April 03, 2011

In Loving Memory

A few months ago, i took the heartless hard decision to give my beloved dog away. It was a long process but i ended up totally convinced it was for her best. I had serious emotional issues back then, had started a therapy that was draining me and which was making me emotionally extremely fragile and i felt i couldn't take care of her the way i was used to anymore. It is very hard to find someone you think fit to take care of your pet. If she couldnt have me, she deserved the next best thing.

And i honestly think i found her a great family, a couple with a young kid who fell in love with her the second he saw her (while she was knocking him down in the process!)

Why havent i talked about it earlier than almost 6 months afterwards? Cuz i felt guilty as hell. I felt guilty for not missing my dog. I felt guilty for not visiting her. And let's be honest, i don't like to face things or events that make me uncomfortable. Let alone talk about it. And that was one.

Last week, i heard that someone stole her from her new family.
It broke my heart.
I cried hours on end and i died inside.
Talking about it right now brought tears back to my eyes.
I feel like the worse person in the entire world for not being there for her. For not taking care of her. I dont know where she is now. I dont even know if she's alive. I'd rather hope her dead than in the hands of people who'd treat her poorly or hit her.

I've secretly been hoping she'll "knock" at my door one of these days. Maybe if i focus on that particular thought, she will.

I love you Niki. I miss you so much.
I am sorry beyond words.

I wanna cry.

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