Sunday, December 08, 2013

I Can't Find A Title

Maybe because no title is good enough. I don't know. I swore i would at least try not to ramble on and on about my brother being gone. And in all fairness, i think i've been pretty good so far. I don't bother people with my pain and my loss, i don't mention him often on social medias either and in all honesty, i try not to think about him too much either. Needless to say i fail miserably on that last point. I think about him every single day that passes. And when i haven't, there is always something to remind me of him. A song, a smell, a clothe, a detail on the street that he would have noticed and loved, anything.

I don't know if you ever get over the loss of a brother. You learn to live without but you don't get over it. It's just not possible. It's like a piece of you is missing. I've been through thousands of pictures, old ones of when he was just a little boy, recent ones i found on his computer, ones of vacations he took to come visit me in Mexico. I even have one of the rare picture of us two together on my computer's wallpaper. And sometimes, i stare at my screen and this massive anguish crawls into me, and this dreadful thought, this horrendous reality hits me: he is gone forever. I will never hear him talk, or laugh again, i will never hold him again, i will never see him again. And that's when this gigantic oppressive ball is building in my throat and when the floor disappears under my feet. It's a pain no word can ever describe accurately. It's a hole that nobody nor anything will ever fill up.

Every time i visit my parents, every time i see his pictures spread all over the house also reminds me that i don't have a brother anymore. Well, i do. He was, is and always will be my brother. But he's not with us anymore. Nor will he ever be again.

I miss him more than i can tell. As i said earlier, i don't want to bother people with it but sometimes, it's a fact that's so overwhelming that it overflows me and i don't know what to say, or do. In those awful moments, i feel completely lost. And i wish i could understand why was he taken from us so soon. Why couldn't he meet the wonderful man i share my life with, why couldn't we spend another family Christmas, why won't he ever meet the children i might have one day, or why can't i be his kids's favorite crazy aunt.

Life is a bitch. And even though i do have this amazing capacity to see the good in every situation i come across with, sometimes, i just don't get it. I know it might sound childish but i just wish he was still here with me.


  1. De verdad, desde lo mas profundo de mi ser lamento mucho su partida... No puedo decir que se lo que sientes por que a pesar de que de igual manera perdi a mi hermano, nuestro pesar es diferente. Recibe un gran beso y un enorme abrazo. It´s true life its a bitch.. tqm y enviamos nuestro amor de cozumel. MARY