I Can't Find A Title

Maybe because no title is good enough. I don't know. I swore i would at least try not to ramble on and on about my brother being gone. And in all fairness, i think i've been pretty good so far. I don't bother people with my pain and my loss, i don't mention him often on social medias either and in all honesty, i try not to think about him too much either. Needless to say i fail miserably on that last point. I think about him every single day that passes. And when i haven't, there is always something to remind me of him. A song, a smell, a clothe, a detail on the street that he would have noticed and loved, anything.

I don't know if you ever get over the loss of a brother. You learn to live without but you don't get over it. It's just not possible. It's like a piece of you is missing. I've been through thousands of pictures, old ones of when he was just a little boy, recent ones i found on his computer, ones of vacations he took to come visit me in Mexico. I even have one of the rare picture of us two together on my computer's wallpaper. And sometimes, i stare at my screen and this massive anguish crawls into me, and this dreadful thought, this horrendous reality hits me: he is gone forever. I will never hear him talk, or laugh again, i will never hold him again, i will never see him again. And that's when this gigantic oppressive ball is building in my throat and when the floor disappears under my feet. It's a pain no word can ever describe accurately. It's a hole that nobody nor anything will ever fill up.

Every time i visit my parents, every time i see his pictures spread all over the house also reminds me that i don't have a brother anymore. Well, i do. He was, is and always will be my brother. But he's not with us anymore. Nor will he ever be again.

I miss him more than i can tell. As i said earlier, i don't want to bother people with it but sometimes, it's a fact that's so overwhelming that it overflows me and i don't know what to say, or do. In those awful moments, i feel completely lost. And i wish i could understand why was he taken from us so soon. Why couldn't he meet the wonderful man i share my life with, why couldn't we spend another family Christmas, why won't he ever meet the children i might have one day, or why can't i be his kids's favorite crazy aunt.

Life is a bitch. And even though i do have this amazing capacity to see the good in every situation i come across with, sometimes, i just don't get it. I know it might sound childish but i just wish he was still here with me.