Saturday, November 27, 2010

I'm Outta Love

I believe this is gonna be one of these posts where everybody feels or thinks i'm 10 miles down into depression's abyss but i actually feel pretty good.

I've mentioned this in the past but i came to realize yesterday that it still applies today: i am out of love. Which in my own words, would translate as i have lost faith in love. Completely.

Before i get people throwing themselves at my throat telling me that there is no such thing as being out of love, let me explain a few things.
I have loved in the past. And i truly hope i can say i've been loved as well. Although to be honest, i'm not too sure about that. But that's not really the point here. I think i am a very dedicated person, especially when i have the hots for someone. I give myself up completely and that may be the reason why i tend to end up hurt. Or empty.
It's not that i'm trying to overdo it or make you love me. It's just the way i am. If you're the person who share my life, i'll give it all to you. You can take it or leave it. I'll do it anyway. That way, i know that if the relationship fails, at least i've done and given everything i could and that my everything was not enough for that person in particular.
Problem is ... i tend to lose myself in the process. Giving all that is to the other person, not expecting anything in return. Ever.
And when i get something back, it makes me uncomfortable cuz i'm not accustomed to receive love that way.

Moving on.

As you all know already, i recently broke up with a man i was very keen on for whatever reasons that i will not mention here. A mere 5 weeks later, he apparently already moved on with his life and well, good for him.
I may be wrong but i am still convinced that our relationship has not ended just yet. I mean i believe we still have to walk along together for a while. Maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years, whenever. I so believe we do. But now is not the time.
I thought that hearing he's dating someone else would crush me. It didnt. And when i sat down to "analize" what were my feeling about it all, i was surprised to realized i felt nothing.

But i mean ... NOTHING.
I was blank.

No pain, no hard feeling, no ill-being, no resentment, no regret, no joy, nothing.

And then when i got to talk about it with a friend of mine, after the first sensation of anger i felt knowing that he's dating someone when he said he wanted to be alone for a while, i realized that damn, i didnt really care about it. I felt empty inside.
Emotionally, i feel empty inside.

I feel like nothing can reach me anymore. I feel like my heart is steel-cold and unaccessible. I feel like no pain or ache can get to me anymore. I feel anaesthetized. And i like the feeling about "feeling no pain".

I also realized that i have lost faith in love. I have lost faith in my ability to find someone who will value me for what and who i am, not for what i do for him or her. I have lost faith in relationships. I feel i can't give love anymore.
It seems i can't feel pain anymore.
I ran out of love.
I feel i can enjoy life as it comes.
I have no expectations, thus no disappointments.
I've resigned myself to live and let live.

And the best thing about it all, i'm actually fine with it.

"Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise"
S. Johson

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