Cynically and sarcastically laughing about it all ...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I have anger issues. Well, I call them that. My mom says it's intolerance, my friend say it's impatience, another friend says it's poor self-control. Whatever it is, whatever you call it, it ends up feeling the same: hugely resentful. If i were an animal, i'd end up in killing mode. Anger is so bad it can kill. Hell yeah! And if you look closer at it, even the word "anger" is only ONE letter away from DANGER.
My worse problem is that i have travelled so far into my own anger that it became fury, it became rage, it became hate. I have reached that amount of rage twice in my life, not even 6 months apart, both for the same motive, both for being beaten the crap out of. When that happened to me, it didnt matter that i was weaker and smaller than those 2 guys. One of my buttons had been pushed and fear was not part of my vocabulary any more. If i had had a gun that day, i would have shot it. With not even having second thoughts. And that's scary when you realize that in the aftermath.
It's scary to acknowledge what your inner self is capable of. Scary to realize you could actually take someone's life in a heart beat, just because you couldnt control yourself. It's also impressive how anger affects your body: your heart rate increases, so does your blood pressure, so does your adrenaline level, you can't talk anymore, you're blinded by your own rage, you're shaking like a leaf in the winter wind, you're in survival mode and could eat someone alive. Danger and fear don't mean anything anymore - your entire body and mind are now ruled by an EMOTION. Talking about losing control.
I have had anger issues for as long as i can remember. It goes from the simple: "oh, i'm pissed off" to "seriously, i will punch you in the fucking face and beat the crap out of you if you're still standing" and would even reach the "i will kill you" if i wasnt doing my best to control myself.
Knowing that i have never actually shot someone is not that i am being successful in controlling myself, it's only due to the fact that i am clever enough not to get myself a gun. Otherwise, i probably wouldnt be able to write those lines and most likely be behind bars. Even though, as my friend told me, shooting at someone who is beating the crap out of you would probably be ruled out "self defence".
Maybe i should look for a sport or an activity that helps me channel all that rage. Something that leaves me drained out at the end of each session, something that leaves me with no energy to fight anymore. I heard that all martial arts and fighting sports also teach you self-control. That, i think, would be the toughest for me. Turning my anger into action. Into controlled supervised action. But again, is teaching and showing an angry person like me techniques and tips to hit harder and more precisely really a good idea? I'm already the kinda person who's gonna hit first and then ask questions. Or ACT first and then think.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "for every minutes you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness". TRUST ME, you dont feel it this way. I know it's true but when you feel that surge of anger filling you up, it's like a boiling pan ... It is not gonna stop unless you take it out of the fire. My problem being: HOW do you take ME away from the fire? How do you cool me down? How do you kill my rage when it's still in growing state and before it reaches insane heights? What is that i can do to stop it? And if i find out what, how can i do it? Can i do it? On my own? Or should i be locked away until i calm down, just like you do with kids throwing a fit? I'm open to suggestions, even if i know exactly what most of you will say and that what you will say will piss me off ... i dont like to hear how a failure i am in such a situation.
I like you though ... i'll kill you last.
" Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — this is not easy" Aristotle