Thursday, January 28, 2010

Emergency Exit

Today is a cruise ship day. Which means i'm spending most of my day on the pier, in the sun, toasting myself and taking care of guests who, for the most part, have left their brain at home and ask stupid questions (i wrote an entire post about it). Well, today was also a very quiet day on the pier and i was done around 1pm ... well, not done but i had a 3 hours break in my afternoon which is always very pleasant.

So there i was, doing my reports and tomorrow's planning (tomorrow being a cruise ship day as well) when i felt the urge to go to the bathroom. No biggy there. Just at the moment i stood up and head that way, my colleague Jan stood up as well on his way to the little cafeteria to get a bottle of water. Since we were heading in the same direction, we walked together and chatted a bit. But I was kinda hurrying up because I was starting to realize that that egg I ate last night DID taste dodgy. Hurrying up like when you so badly need to go to the bathroom you actually start undoing your pants on the way "just to make sure".

So I was really accelerating my pace when Jan called me (help) asking me to lend him 2 pesos. TWO PESOS he needed. Bloody hell that’s TWENTY CENTS. Not even. And my pockets were full of crap and I couldn’t find the bloody coins in there and I was wasting precious seconds for bloody 2 pesos. Jeez Jan for 2 pesos, they’ll give you credit. Or tell them I’ll be back in 10 minutes to pay them if you’re short on cash.

Needless to say that after the 2 pesos incident, running was a tall order. And I did run. I actually ran like hell. And made it (barely) to the bathroom.

I’m not gonna be describing how it feels when you finally make it to the bathroom when you got the shit, you’ve all been there. It’s a painful relief but a relief nonetheless. And after 15 minutes shitting your guts, it surely should be a relief.

You know the feeling of well being that follows eating when you’ve been starving, drinking when you’ve been so thirsty, sleeping when you can’t even hold your head up and going to the bathroom when you so badly needed it. Well all of my well-being bubble burst out when I realized something absolutely dreadful in such occasion: there was no paper in the cubicle. O_o

In my haste not to shit in my pants, I totally forgot the mandatory checking of toilet paper’s presence in public bathroom. And I was like shiiiiiiit (no play on words intended).

So what am I supposed to do? I mean I’m in a public bathroom, I know nobody in nor would have I had the balls to ask another woman to pass me paper from under the door. So I thought, I’m gonna call Jan since it’s all his fault, tell him to get his ass in the women’s bathroom and pass on a roll of paper under my door. Well if only. But no, sometimes life really is a bitch. There was NO reception in the toilets godammit. I could have cried.

So I waited. And waited. And waited some more, for all of the girls in the bathroom to get the hell out so I could switch cubicle. Damn do women take forever in the bathroom or what? I mean you’re all coming back from the beach, what are you doing for 20 minutes in front of the mirror. GET THE HELL OUT! N-O-W!

Eventually, everybody finally left. Obviously, with an ass full of shit, you don’t pull up your short or your underwear. Don’t even want to think about doing laundry afterwards … eeeeewwwwww. So anyway, as soon as everybody had left, I sneaked peaked outside my cubicle, ran bare-ass to the cubicle next to mine, obviously checked for paper this time (good there’s some in) and locked myself in to wipe my ass properly.
What a feeling :-)

What I think is funny about all this is that when you step out of the bathroom, you always meet people you know, also people you don’t know and they have NOT A FREAKING CLUE of what you just went through. Might as well, asi, me evito la pena!



  1. French Clases?? I need it. Where? How much? Disscounts????? jeje


  2. Sofie De MeulemeesterJanuary 30, 2010 at 4:15 AM

    Ah, thanks for enlightening my sleepless night with this hilarious story, LOVE the self irony in it! :)