It is most likely that my first post of 2010 will be sad. Well, not sad really, more like nostalgic. A little spleen to start the new year. Me realizing things little by little, of who i am.
I've been going out with this guy for a few weeks now. And even if he's young (like very young), he made me realized one thing a few days ago. He made me realized that, on top of all my screwed up shit, i'm the most insecure person there is when relationships are involved. I've been out of the dating scene for so long it's weird to be "in" a relationship. Getting the guy, getting the sex, that, is not complicated whatsoever. But if there is more than a one-night stand, then other stuff are tagging along. Amongst it all, the compliments, the cheesiness, and all those nice things that make me run away a mile. I've been hurt in the past. Big time. Everybody has i guess. But the heartbreak i've been through feels like i've been destroyed emotionally. A few weeks ago, i was going to write a post that i would probably have titled "outta love" because that was exactly the way i was feeling back then. Like i was empty inside. Like nothing or none could cheer me up, could make me feel good again, or could make me love again. I was feeling incapable of loving again. I still feel that way. Like an empty shell. But on top of it all, i've realized that i've lost my faith and trust in men's sincerity. I can't believe or accept the idea of a person loving ME. I need constant reassurance. I'm craving for hugs and kisses and attention and contact and messages and phone calls. I'm craving for him to be there always just to make sure i'm not dreaming it. I'm craving for something i used to have so long ago in which i lost myself into. I'm an addict who's been weaned and just got another shot of the drugs. It's been so long it's giddy. It's scary too. Scary to realize that it still tastes so good after such a long time without. Is it love that i feel? I doubt it. I dont remember what it feels like to be loved or to love. The kinda love that hurts you so bad you'd die for it. I want to remember what it feels. My heart has healed. Now it's time i learn how to use it again.