Tuesday, January 01, 2013

I Dont Want To Cry Anymore

This is it. 2012 is finally coming to an end and honestly, i'm eagerly waiting for that new promising year to begin. Not because my life is going to change dramatically over the next hours but because i want this celebration and greetings and best wishes times to be over.

Tonight, i wont be celebrating. And there are a few reasons behind it. The first one, and i think that is one pretty good reason to be honest, is that i'm sick. And my doctor this afternoon was adament: i urgently need to rest. If he could tell that to my boss, i'd appreciate by the way ;)
It's nothing serious, i just got a sore throat but i'm also on the verge of exhaustion and i badly need to just chillax.

The second reason, and i believe it is a pretty damn good second reason as well, is that i am in no mood for a let's-pretend-i'm-having-fun celebration when i'm crumbling down inside.

I miss my brother so freaking bad. It was already hard over Christmas, especially when i talked to my parents, who received the photo album i made for them with the help and participation of dozens of my brother's friends, it's now even worse for new year. 
Cuz everybody is wishing me the best for 2013, hoping i wont have to go through such a traumatic experience again, cuz all his friends (some of them have become mine now) are mentioning him somehow when it comes to talk about what 2012 brought them (or took them in that case) and cuz whether i want it or not, until it'll be a year, we'll all have to go through experiencing our first everything without him.

It's been 4 months. How much longer will it hurt? How much longer is it gonna take for the pain to go away? How much longer will i cry for? How much more tears do i have? When will i stop missing you this much? Why did you have to go? What is the bigger plan behind all this? Is there even a bigger plan? Are you trying to tell me something?

Light my way lil'bro.
Light my way.

To a better 2013.

But please, i dont want to cry anymore.

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