Thursday, August 06, 2009

On Steroids, Cellulitis and All Those Little ... How Do You Call Them ?? ... Mmmm ... Stuff

I am tired.

I have been tired for so long i didn't think it was normal, or healthy or any good. Like sleeping 11 hours a day and still don't feel rested, i am assuring you, it is not normal (at all). So went to see my GP and took advantage of my appointment to tell him all about my little boo boos. What else GPs are for? I mean i am paying the guy i might as well use this given time at its best!
So here i am, in his office, and like in any doctor's office, you feel like you're gonna die within the coming days, if not the coming hours ... Like Coluche (a french comedian) would say: "be strong, you have 6 more days to live ... 6 days? fuck man, couldn't it be 6 weeks? Jeez I'm the one dying here, and even 6 months you know, i mean when you're sick, 6 months pass quite fast!"

So between Rickettsia, anaemia, high blood pressure, swollen bronchus, circulation problems, too many white cells in the blood, infected tonsils and shortness of breath, i was really wondering when would be my life-sentence announcement. He didn't quite mentioned a date actually, he just said: we need blood samples ... What? Again? We did some in April! Aren't they still valid? No? Shit. I'm gonna have to do blood samples ... that means needle ... ENTERING THE VEIN :o
So i braved myself and went ... for bloody blood samples. Young nurse, non-stop chatting. Nice lady but jeez she just wouldn't shut up. Yeah, well, sorry if I'm not really reactive to your chit-chat here but i am concentrating on not fainting, especially when i hear you saying, OK i can't seem to find the vein in this arm, we're gonna try the other one. Oh sweet lord! I almost passed out at the thought. But when the bloody nurse (ok, there is no play on words on this one !) dipped the needle in my invisible vein, she said she missed.
** blank **
37 seconds later ... WHAAAT ??? wadiujused?

And she laughed. She LAUGHED. She had made a joke ... like a JOKE. Like it was funny. Oh yeah of course, what was i thinking? Did i forget to laugh? Did i NOT laugh? Biiiiitch DO NOT EVER MAKE JOKE ABOUT THAT WITH ME. E-V-E-R.

Ok i didn't really say that, i was recovering from the shock, waiting for my eyes to get back to where they normally pointing at, i.e. in front (instead of desperately trying to see through the back of my skull), had to use 4 band-aids cuz she butchered my vein and wait sitting in this torture room for another 10 minutes in order to avoid making a complete fool of myself passing out on the street.

All of that to confirm what the doctor thought it was ... asthma.

Asthma or the source of all my troubles ... ALL of them. Well at least that makes things easier. So what do i do now? Use my puffer? Woohoo. I love it. No? Damn it, the only fun thing about asthma is the puffer and you're telling me that my "condition" is too bad to only use the inhalator ... no, damn it, it's inhaler ... really? not inhalator ... i like inhalator better ... sounds more like extreeeeme. Sounds bad ass. Inhalator the return ... Oh dear i should stop. So where was i? Oh yeah ... so no puffer then.

So what do i do about my team of bacterias/diseases/infections/swellings or whatever that it is i have? Well, miss, you'll have to take steroids. For a week. Sorry what? Come again? Steroids? Like in steroids? But doc, i don't want to get a baritone voice ... nor a mustache to be truly honest. I mean i am paying (and suffering) enough to remove the hair i already have ... Really no need for extra. Well it's that or you'll die in 6 days. Oh, ok then, steroids it'll be. This controlled (if not banned or illegal) performance-enhancing substance, with a shit loads of adverse effects including (but not limited to) acne, high blood pressure, aggressiveness, violence, psychosis and who knows what else ... ?? He's giving that to me. To ME. To cure me. o_O


Soooo ... now that we got that one straight ... what can i do about cellulitis? I know, it has nothing to do with asthma ... but again, since I'm here, might as well mention it. Oh come on don't be prude, all women have cellulitis. Well, miss, there are a lot of miraculous products on the market ... oh yeah i know i tried them all. Well, then you'll have to agree with me that they are obviously not very efficient. Right. So, what can i do then? What IS the miraculous solution? The miraculous remedy? Should i go see a witch? A voodoo? Do black magic? Infusions? Mud baths? What? WHAT?

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