Sunday, May 16, 2010

Me and ... The 3 Chickens

As most of you know already, I contracted a moving company to take care of bringing my stuff from my old house to my new one. Made my life so much easier. So when their truck got here, I opened the double doors that give access to the garden where I have enough room to park like 10 cars (that’s why mine is sleeping outside jajaja) so they’d be closer to the house to unload my big bulky heavy stuff. Problem is, when they got the truck in, 3 chickens that were hanging out on the street ran inside my garden.
I don’t like poultry. I don’t like birds. They scare me. Roosters, chickens, peacocks, parrots, pigeons, pheasants, turkeys are some of the many I can’t handle. There is obviously a reason behind it. It is a long story probably well worthy of a post of itself when I think about it. Maybe later …
So there was I, with 3 chickens in my garden and I thought, oh fuck, what am I gonna do with those chickens now? Then I tried to forget about it and focus on more important stuff to do, such as unloading the truck! And I then thought about Niki and knew she would take care of it. 


W E L L …

When I brought her here later that day, she was a bit confused and overwhelmed at first, and was following me all over the place, not really investigating anything. But then she saw or sniffed the chickens and I was like oh god, oh god, oh god.

Hearing chickens crying their lungs out in fear or stress and seeing chickens flying, or trying to fly creep me out. I mean big time. And I was worried that she’d kill one cuz then I would then have to touch it to throw it away and this is something I just can’t do. I know it’s stupid but I can’t. Just the THOUGHT of it gives me goose bumps. I think it’s just gross. One day in my old house, a pigeon killed itself against one of my window and lay on my lawn for like a week before I found someone to lift it up and throw it away.

But anyway, so there we are, Niki chasing the chickens, me not really caring too much about it (or at least trying not to care about it too much) and sweeping the floor of the house when one of the chicken ran inside the house. I mean bloody bird ran INSIDE the house. Birds scare the crap out of me, especially when they’re out of their natural environment and trust me, a chicken in my living room is exactly that: a bird outside its natural environment. Of course, it hid in between my boxes and suitcases and stuff. And I was like fuck, fuck, fuck, if this chicken is not out by the time I go to bed, I’ll sleep in the car. There is NO WAY I’d sleep in the same room as a chicken on the loose. NO FREAKING WAY. And worse thing of it all is that I knew there were another 2 hiding somewhere on my land.

My salvation came with the electrician who was supposed to be coming that evening to fix a switch that didn’t work. He came with a friend of his. And I told them, listen, I don’t mean to be a pain or a pussy or to ask you stuff that you didn’t come here for but I am shit scared of birds and I have 3 chickens on my property: one INSIDE, one behind the washing machine outside and one running all over the place. So please, please, please, help me. And they did. I forgot in what box my camera was otherwise I would have taken pictures of those 2 guys I’ve known for like 4 minutes chasing the chicken in my house.
When they finally managed to catch the last one and throw it back on the street, they were both soaked in sweat, both laughing their eyes out (because I mean come on, they come to fix a switch and end up chasing chickens) and one of them even said: damn, I haven’t been catching chickens in a long time!! No kidding. WHO does that anyway? Oh don’t tell me you did that as a kid, even back then there would have been no way I’d have touched a live chicken. A duck I wouldn’t mind at all, I even like ducks. But a chicken? HELL NO.

The funny thing about my irrational fears, like my fear of birds for example, is that when I think about it in the aftermath, I really think the whole situation is hilarious. I mean if I hadn’t had the visit of the electrician I would have honestly look for someone on the street to come kick them out. It’s like if an iguana was getting in. There are stuff like that, fears like that, that are so irrationally anchored in me that it gets the best of me and I just can’t do anything. Like when the chicken got in, I had the broom in my hand and I tried to push him out but that scared it even more and I was screaming in horror and laughing at the same time, laughing at my own pussiness, and the stupidity of it all. I mean I know the chicken is not gonna do anything to me. Well in such situation, I actually think about a LOT of stuff that the chicken could do. But anyway.

Now the 3 chickens are gone. They’re still wondering outside my gate, since it’s a dirt road in front of my house but I don’t think they’ll be stupid enough to get back in. Yet, they are chickens so considering the size of their brain, it might happen again.

OH DEAR, now I have a crying kitten right outside and Niki is throwing herself at the door, hoping that it'll blow open to rip that little motherfucker apart. One thing is for sure though, nobody is gonna get in with a dog like that!

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