Early Celebration

I work in a company of 15 people. With 3 people who recently quit and have yet to be replaced, one that is now working from home and 2 currently on the other side of the country to open a new office there, that makes a grand total of 9. Out of these 9 people left, 5 are born in September. On the 5th, 13th, 18th (me), 22nd and 28th. What are the odds? 5 people who were conceived right around Christmas and New Year celebrations ... That could be material for an entire new post! LOL

So we all thought that September was gonna be the big fat month of cake eating and zillion calories. Cuz we generally have a birthday cake for birthday people. So 5 cakes in a month, that's about a zillion calories in birthday cakes. Just the thought of it was enjoyable.

Well we didnt. We didnt have 5 cakes. We had one gigantic cake, today, with a "happy birthday ALL" written in blue icing. They sang the mañanitas, the happy birthday song and i even get to sing it in French too, all alone but still.

I'll be honest. It was a gigantic trillion calories chocolate cake so compact and thick that one bite needed to be shoveled down with the help of a Coke gulp. And since i got the honor of cutting the slices, trust me that i was pretty generous on the portions. 

It was truly a delicious cake. And even though i had to say how old i'm turning on Sunday (11 years older than the one who was the actual birthday girl!! aargh) and that it wasnt my real birthday day (yet), and that i didnt have to blow any candle, it was still a nice quiet celebration, with a lot of laughters and quite a nice touch from the boss.

But i still want my own cake.

Seriously?

6:58am


It's 31.7°C outside.

Seriously?


Is it real?


Is it even possible?

Locked!

I'm home alone. No biggy you'll say except that i'm locked inside! O_o

How is that even possible is what people are asking me. Well i do have the keys to all the doors with a key-lock. But my front door is a slidding glass door that can be "locked" from inside or from outside. And when you're on the other side of the lock, there is no way you can get in. I even try to unscrew the lock - it doesnt change anything.

And obviously, i have all my windows protected by fences like everybody does in Mexico.

And dear beloved is at work. Until 5pm at least, maybe later.

I could see it as the perfect opportunity to clean the house since i cant get out but i'm gonna use it as a perfect opportunity not to do ANYTHING (insert evil face here).

Can't walk the dog, can't do laundry, can't go to the store buy myself a coke.

Story of my life!

It's only when you lose things you have that you learn how to value them! Hence only when you're locked up that you really enjoy your liberty!

I wouldnt last 2 minutes in jail!

Steamy

I have finally found Mexican's secret fountain of youth and perfect skin!

As usual, and most likely for quite some time to come, i took the bus back home yesterday. It was steaming hot outside since we havent had any rain in the past 4 days and the idea of being in a bus for the next 20 minutes was nothing remotedly appealing. But since walking home would take me a good hour and a half (if not more), what other options do i have?

That was undoubtedly the longest bus ride EVER.

It was so hot inside that everybody was DRIPPING sweat. Me included. But i really mean dripping sweat. 

On top of being the grossest thing ever, how uncomfortable is that anyway? 

There was this ventilation panel on the roof that was staring at me like it was saying "dont you dare opening me" that nobody even tried to open, i mean what is wrong with you people?

I caught myself thinking, wow, if i were stuck in a reduced space with the people of this particular bus, we'd die in no time. And then i thought, well, if i WERE stuck in there with all of them, i wouldnt ask for permission and would actually open the damn ventilation panel.

I work in an air-conditionned office and my desk is right under the AC. Needless to say i'm freezing my ass all day so i tend to use pants. Well yesterday i had capri denim pants on. 

Bad idea.

It took me like 10 minutes to detach them from my legs.

Sweating is not fun. Especially when you sweat doing nothing at all. When you're soaked in sweat because you spent 2 hours in the gym or walking your dog, it's ok. But doing nothing it's just not cool.

And when on top of that, half the sweat is not even yours, it's just plain gross.

But at least my skin looks HOT with a 6.5 pesos treatment. What does beat this?

How To Destroy A Car ?

In just over 6 seconds...


I have asked for a day off from work in order to go to the Consulate of Guadalajara cuz i have some notary paperwork to sign in front of the authorized authorities. Sounds important but really takes like 3 minutes. I basically went all the way to Guadalajara to sign 6 pages and get a consulate stamp over each one of my 6 signatures. And i didnt even see the consul. But anyway.

I asked dear-beloved if he would be so kind to take me to the bus station that night to take the 1:30am bus. I'd make it around 6:30am, will have breakfast and then go get my sheets signed, hop in a cab and make my way back home.
But then he said, well, i dont work tomorrow so why dont we go by car so we leave at 4:30am, make it there at 9am, have breakfast, sign your papers and go back home?


I told him i wasnt sure my old car would make it all the way to Guadalajara and back but if he was up for the driving, sure, why not?


And off we were at 4:30am.


And i slept pretty much since minute one until around 7:30am.


We were then on the highway, and the scenary was beautiful, all green and luxurious thanks to the morning drizzle. 


And that's when it happened. Dear-beloved lost control of the car, we slidded on the right, then on the left and the second i thought cool i think he's got the car back on track, we actually "hit" another slippery spot and front-crashed the car on the median wall, did an awesome 360°, hit the wall again but with the trunk and ended up in the middle of the highway, right outside the curve we were in.


He asked me if i was OK and urged me to get out of the car. I obliged. And he ran to the entrance of the curve to slow down traffic. I couldnt stop shaking.


After 2 guys stopped to move the car to the emergency lane so traffic could go on at its normal pace, dear-beloved came back to me and that's when we realized how lucky we both were. We dont have a scratch, not a bruise to "prove" anything even happened. 
Apart from the destroyed car and pictures we took of it, we could as well have been taking a morning walk in the Jalisco's mountains. 


If only.


Ambulance got there in not even 10 minutes but received a call of another accident that just happened 1.5km behind us with casualties. And since we were just fine, they dashed. 


And we waited. And waited. And waited some more. For the crane to come pick up the car, for the Feds to allow it, for the insurrance car...


We were there, on the side of the road for about an hour and a half when a pick up truck did exactly the same little show off dance we had done an hour earlier. I was so surprised/in shock/in disbelief that i was completely glued to the ground, watching in awe an accident happening in front of my very eyes.


Dear beloved grabbed me and threw me away from the road, in the bushes, just in case the truck would flip over and come flatten us both. It didnt. It stopped a few meters away from us, pretty much exactly where our car had stopped earlier. But there was 4 people in that car, 2 of which injured. 


To make one long story short, since, as i said, we were the only non-injured people of all these accidents (we heard later that in 1.5 hours, there were 5 accidents over a 3km portion), we ended up spending 4.5 hours waiting on the highway to be taken care of. 

Car is dead, engine was split in two, the front axle was also split in two, one of the back wheel was parallel to the road, one of the back door couldnt open. We sold it to the junkyard for just enough money to pay all that needs to be paid on such a situation, got a ride to Guadalajara with the insurrance guy, got hosted by a friend of mine, went signing the papers the following day and came back by bus.


TWO things are coming to my mind after such "incident":
1) you can truly know what people are worth when you're in such a challenging situation - you have the people who pass the crash almost stopping their car to feed on their morbid glutony, people who dont think twice and stop to help right away, people who keep their cool, people who try to abuse you while in dispair and people who'd simply give their live to save yours.
2) there is NOTHING like health.


And if i had just one little piece of advice, it'd be: USE YOUR SEATBELT.
It's the second time it saved my life and/or prevented me from being seriously injured. None of the 4 people of the truck who crashed after us was using it and 3 got injured, 2 pretty seriously. You can buy yourself a new car. Not a new life.


And as dear-beloved reminded me on our way back home, i was right, the car didnt make it to Guadalajara.


Now dear Santa, here is what i want under the Xmas tree this year ... Dont disappoint me!

Crazy Bus Ride

This morning, dear beloved got a last minute call asking him if he could work today ... that was on my way to work. So he took the car and i obviously had to go back home by bus.

Normally, my bus takes 34 minutes to get to the bus stop i get off at. 


Today it took 19 minutes. 


Speed bumps? What speed bumps? You want to get off at this stop? Who the hell do you think you are? And that bloody bus in front, move! you, slow ass! What do you mean there's no overtaking here? Whatever.
And damn you people for ringing the "i get off here" bell.


Dear Unit-169 ... your Jesus Christ stickers will do you no good. Nor your rosary.


But thank you for getting me home in no time ;)

Cat Bite

A good deed doesnt always pay off.

This morning, i saw one of my cats in the tree right outside the house. Since he was meowing like he truly needed my help, i called him down and decided to carry him back inside the house (so he wouldnt have to run for his life if ever my dog spotted him).


Well that was without counting on Lola (my dog) jumping that damn high. 


As soon as she spotted me with the cat in my arms, she threw herself at me and even my knee wasnt keeping her away. I was almost at the window where i first intented to throw the cat inside the house when she actually managed to jump high enough to bite the cat on the back leg.


My cat Yeti is not the kinda cat that takes that kinda crap without reacting so he obviously was more than eager to fight back. Problem is: he wasnt fighting back the dog but me. 


So i got scratched on my face (not fun) and got bitten on my hand.


I swear it hurt up to my soul. 


He left 3 bite marks: one for his lower teeth and 2 with his upper fangs.


And as i said, it hurt like mother fucking HELL.


Wounds were so deep they actually bled for a couple of hours. It amazed me how such incredibly small wounds can hurt that much. I mean seriously.


But what worried me more was the following morning when my hand had turn a nice shade of red and was twice its normal size. I had no idea cats were venomous.


Since that swell got me seriously worried, i went to the doctor to check it up. When i told him my cat had bitten me, he smiled and told me: people always come for cat bites, almost never for dog bites.
And why is that? Simply because a dog bite stays open so it's easier to clean and it dries quicker. Whereas a cat bite goes deeper (thanks to needle sharp teeth) and closes almost instantly, keeping all the venom bacterias inside with no way out.


As the doctor said, back in the days, we would have needed to cut open to clean the wound but thanks to the wonders of modern medicine, we can now use drugs to sort it all out. Drugs such as penicilin which has been used in the treatment of bacterial infections caused by organisms. 
Which is perfect to fight cat's venom.


Bottom line, if i'm ever stupid enough to try to "save" my cat from my dog, it's better to get bitten by the dog  than by the cat. And as my doctor nicely put it: your cat is more than capable of handling that kind of situation with the dog, he also runs faster than the dog and will most likely NOT get hurt if you dont get involved.


Well, screw the cat ... he's on his own from now on!

That is SOOO not my cat and dog. But if only ....

Yep, this is more like this ... Except that both mine are white ... 

Happy 14th of July

Happy Bastille Day as they call it in the US.

Whatever you call it, today, in France, we celebrate the 222th anniversary of the Take of the Bastille (if that even means something) which in clearer words, the official day when the Monarchy became a Democracy (or so they want us to believe).


222 years later, it's also the day that my car got towed right outside my office and the day i'm finally going to meet the in-laws.


Still thinking on how am i gonna celebrate all that!

The One I Get Assaulted (And Lectured)

I wasnt sure i was going to talk about this because really, nothing serious happened. But it did happened and i've promised myself i'd be writing about the crazy things that happen to me here. Crazy good but also crazy bad.

Yesterday morning, i went to walk my dog, as i usually do in the morning, at 6:30am. Since there was lightning outside, i decided to take a small bag with my raincoat in it, in case it started to pour. I dont mind walking my dog under the rain but if i can avoid being drenched, it's better.


I was almost to the point i normally turn around to go back home (so after almost 30 minutes walking) when i passed not too far (but not too close either) from 2 guys. As i was passing them, one of them asked me where was the regional hospital. I briefly stopped to answer him and was on my way again. 


Half a second later, one of them was throwing himself at me, from the back, reason why i didnt see him coming cuz i dont have a built in rear mirror, and telling me to give him my bag. My bag was a tiny little pouch with 2 things in it: my house keys and my raincoat. 


Absolutely NOTHING valuable in it. 


Obviously he doesnt know that and unfortunately, i'm not the kind of person who just take it easy, bend over and tell him oh yes sure please help yourself. So i wrestled back, telling him that i have nothing in my bag. And the dumb ass telling me to calm down and stay still.


What was the other asshole doing? Telling him to stop. Dude, instead of telling him to stop, if it's really how you feel, do something about it. 


And then for no reason at all, and quite unespectedly, he let go off me. Without taking my bag. I didnt run away from him but was checking every few seconds if he wasnt following me cuz that would have been creepier than anything else (in my opinion at least). 


I was DYING to shout at him stuff that would be censored and most likely making Blogger close down my blog for being so rude and vulgar. And if i had had a gun, i would have shot that piece of disgraceful shit in the eye. 


And that's exactly what dear beloved told me HE could have done as well. For no reason at all. Shooting you if he had a gun just because. 


As soon as i got home, i obviously told dear beloved what happened and he was tactful enough not to mention all the mistakes i made. But he held them for the day after when he lectured me for about an hour about all the things i need to be careful about, check what people wear, the look in their eyes, who's close to me, who's far, what car they have, never talk to strangers and if we ever go live in Mexico City as we both would like to, if that ever happen, not to fight back and give them what they want. Even if it's just 30 pesos.


Everything material, even money, can be replaced. 
My life and safety cant.


I was majorly pissed at his lecture to be honest. I mean i've spent 33 years on this planet and i have never been attacked in my whole life. I've been walking my dogs at 6:30am in the morning for the past 5 years and nothing ever happened to me. 
What i think happened yesterday was that for the first time, i was carrying a bag while walking the dog. I normally dont do that. Ever. For that very reason. I'm wearing a passion killer sport outfit with my keys in my pocket and that's it. 


And that bag was temptation. Even thought it had nothing in it.


When i told a friend of mine about it, she said: oh my god, you must have been so scared. Well strangely, no, i wasnt. I get terrified by birds and dead animals but not by an insult for a human being who's trying to steal a woman walking her dog. What fills me up is a shooting to the roof anger, a feeling of complete helplessness and unfairness and a dangerous rage that could make me go beyond the point of no return (and get myself into serious trouble).


I think that if i do get robbed one day, i'll become some dangerous bitter revengeful person in killing mode. 
I dont think i could stand the unfairness of it all or the fact that the dump shit motherfucker who steal from me gets away with it.


I have thus decided to get myself a baseball bat and start walking my dog with it. 


Or a golf club ... or a hockey stick ... 


See if they dare ...

I Know What It's Called

I believe i have 2 big irrational fears i'm dealing with in my life: the fear of big birds and the fear of dead animals. Which are called Ornithophobia and Necrophobia.

Technically speaking, an irrational fear is called a phobia. Except that in my situation, phobia seems always a bit too extreme considering what i feel.

As you all know already, i have had this fear of birds since i was about 15 years old when a pheasant attacked me. Since then, i am dreading big colourful birds, pheasants of course topping the list but closely followed by peacocks, parrots and roosters. You can say whatever you want about these birds, that they have beautiful colors and stuff, it doesnt make them any less dreadful to me. If they are in their natural environment, i am ok. Seeing a parrot in a tree doesnt bother me (even though i will most likely keep an eye on it, just in case). But seeing a parrot swagging on the floor, or a rooster perched on a tree, i seriously start to freak out. Same if i have to walk pass in front of a parrot's cage. I dont mind pigeons, sparrows, crows or swallows as long as they're flying or in the trees. If they dare to get inside my house, it's panick attack.

Ornithophobia can cause the following symptoms: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control or a full blown anxiety attack.

As i said, it's not THAT bad but yeah, sweaty hands and heart palpitations, inability to think clearly if i have to get a bird out of my house or losing control are some of MY symptoms.

Now about necrophobia. This is what the dictionary says about it:

Necrophobia  is the abnormal fear of dead things (e.g., corpses) as well as things associated with death (e.g., coffins, tombstones). 

Symptoms include: shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, dry mouth and shaking, feeling sick and uneasy, psychological instability, and an altogether feeling of dread and trepidation. The sufferer may feel this phobia all the time, or only when something triggers the fear, like a close encounter with a dead animal or the funeral of a loved one or friend. The fear may have developed when a person witnessed a death, or was forced to attend a funeral as a child. Some people experience this after viewing frightening media.

To clear things up a little, i don't mind coffins, or tombstones or dead people. I am not scared of dying or scared of death either. I just truly mind dead animals. And i only feel it when something triggers the fear i.e. seeing a dead animal body.

Now my big question is, considering that a phobia only develops after a traumatizing event (the attack of the pheasant for my ornithophobia), what on earth did trigger my necrophobia? I havent witnessed an animal getting killed. I have had pets dying in my hands or arms but not been grossed out or scared and even digged a grave for them. So what has?

What i do know though, is that i can't stand watching an animal being abused or one that has been beaten to a pulp or one that is more than obviously unhealthy. I just cant. And that's what happened with that puppy dog i found in front of my house some time last summer. I just couldnt deal with it.

My "phobias" are not as bad as it could be. I once met a girl who's arachnophobia (fear of spiders) was so severe that she couldnt even touch or look at a picture of a spider. And my trypanophobia (fear of needles) never prevented me from getting blood samples or tattoes. 

Needless to say that "Birds" is for me the ultimate scary movie. And maybe i'm just understanding now why i've been so uneasy during the entire movie of "Black Swan"...

I guess we're all screwed up in our own peculiar ways ...

Don't Take Things For Granted

I know i am stating the obvious but a good reminder can do no harm.

Why is that we think that all that we have is a solid fact. I only realized today how lucky i am to have an exceptional man in my life just because we fought this morning. Over something stupid of course but we had our first half heated argument. It's not even something that bad but my ego got hit in the face and i over-reacted.

Anyways.

After i took him to work, i was thinking about it all and i realized that, damn, it IS true that we only realize how valuable things are until we dont have them anymore.

For those worrying about me breaking up, no, don't worry, the argument wasnt THAT bad! LOL. But it made me realize that my man is a wonderful person who treats me like a queen and makes me feel oh so good. I knew that already but a quick reminder, as i said, never hurts anybody.

And then i started realized that we do take a lot for granted. Your health, your wealth, your well being, your job, your friends, your house, your food, your car, electricity, running water, clothing ... and the list goes on ...

I have seen this video before, several times. At moment like this particular one in my day, or my life, on which i needed a reminder, i watched it again.

Maybe you can spare 3:27 minutes as well ...

Appreciate what you have!

Even My Dentist Knows ...

I'm a lefty. And as my title says, even my dentist knows.

Technically, i am not. Not a 100% full left-handed woman. But thre is an incredible amount of stuff i do with my left hand. Cutting my meat, sweeping the floor, dealing cards, among many others. 
Today i had a dentist appointment. First one in what seems ages but one of my teeth on the left-hand side was killing me and i thougt it might have been a cavity.
The good news is: it wasn't.

FEW.

However, he asked me: are you left-handed?
I told him that not really, i was more right-handed than left-handed but again, i DO do a lot of things with my left hand. He said: your left teeth are more worn out than your right ones. So he got me thinking and i realized that i do chew a lot more on the left side than on the right side.
And then he asked me: do you happen to know if you grind your teeth at night? And i was like, shit how do you know? But then, he's a dentist and he knows what that kinda thing does to your teeth i presume. As a matter of fact, i DO grind my teeth at night (even though i cant even do it wen i'm fully awake, i'm apparently quite a champ on the teeth grinding side when i'm asleep!!)


So that's when he had my (expected) answers to all his questions that he told me: your teeth are healthy, the pain you're feeling is due to stress and extra pressure you apply on your teeth at night. So the pain really doesnt come from the teeth themselves but from the gums and the jaw.

Crap.


He said that there is a solution to my very common problem (glad to realize i'm not the only one stressed out in this world! jaja) and it's called a mouth piece. And i stupidly asked: like the boxers?
And to my horror, he said YES, like the boxers.
Except that it's gonna be thinner and just for my top teeth (do you say top teeth? or upper teeth? For the teeth that are on the top part of my mouth, the ones that are on the upper side of my mouth, oh well, you know what i mean)


Starting ... tomorrow.


We took my teeth print this afternoon. I almost puked on his lap when he put that baby-blue paste in my mouth. And then when he took it of, it felt like my entire set of teeth were gonna be trapped in the mould. They weren't.


It's a 3 months thingy.


I'm gonna look as sexy as Pacquia's opponent at the end of round 12.
But without the blood or the broken nose.
Damn.

My Dog Thinks She's a Goat

OK it is a catchy title but that's the way i feel about my dog. I don't know if she BELIEVES she's a goat especially since she's never seen one but she behaves like one. Well, more like a lamb. Or whatever a baby goat is called...

and i just noticed that a baby goat DOES fold his back legs when running/jumping ... mmm

Her name is Lola. She's just over 4 months old and she's the cuttest most stuborn dog ever. Every morning, just like i used to do with every single of my dogs, i take her for her walk. For her hour long walk. So then she keeps quiet and at peace with the world when i'm having my sacred breakfast. And then again when i come back from work. Another hour long walk. Dear beloved often join in and that converts it all in a walkasm ...

Lola is not fond of walking. Or maybe she doesnt see the point of it when we take off from home. I often have to drag her over several blocks for her to get on her legs and start trotting next to me. And i literally mean DRAG her. Cuz she doesnt just sit stubbornly, she sprawls herself on the floor and looks at me/us just like if she was saying "A-HA, what are you gonna do now??"

She is still just 10 kilos so i can still drag her by pulling on the leash but when she'll be the 30 kg she'll most likely get to weight, then what will i do? O_o

Dear beloved however, found a new trick. When she's being a pain, he just drops the leash and keeps walking, without even one glance back. I swear she's by his side in the following 10 seconds. And then life gets easier.

But i mean, seriously, what is wrong with that dog? What dog on earth doesnt like to walk? This morning i tried something new: i went to a huge empty area, on a construction site off hour, "asked" her to sit, took off the leash and let her wonder for a moment. Oh my, that was pure awesomeness. Both for her AND me. I never stopped or waited for her and she was always sniffing around for a few minutes and running back to me. 

I would love to walk my dog off leash but she gets distracted by a lot of things and i dont want her to cross the streets running to see what that street dog or that cow is doing on the other side of the avenue.

But back to my title. 

When my BF and i both walk the dog, there is always a point where we get to that piece of grass. And that's the point where she gets in 5th gear and starts running for her life. When there are the 2 of us walking her, he generally holds the leash and i just walk next to them both. So obviously, i dont dash on the grass patch (i do it when i walk her on my own though!!!). But as i was watching them running away from me, i noticed that Lola runs funny. 

She runs like a goat. 

She doesnt fold her back legs when she runs. And she really, really, looks like a goat.

We tried to make her jump to see how she does it. And guess what? She jumps like a goat too. It is just hilarious.

Here in Mexico, that breed (oh, yeah, she's a bullterrier btw) is nicknamed "cara de mula" which means mule head. She certainly has a mule stubborn character but apart from that, she's more like a goat. And she's obviously the cuttest dog there is.

One day i'll figure out how to post a video and i'll put one of her running. In the meanwhile, you'll get a picture of her sprawling ;)

Stop Complaining

Times DOES fly now doesnt it?

But anyways.

A few days ago, i found an article online about a woman who wrote a book about the French and their amazing ability of complaining all the time. Which with hindsight, i can actually say it's true. Never have i noticed how much French people complain until i lived abroad. And it bothers the crap out of me. 

I complain myself. I do. And a lot. But my fellow countrymen truly are out of control!


So half intrigued, half amused and half mortified (yeah i know that makes one and a half but as i mentioned earlier, this is my blog and i do what i want!), i started reading the article titled something like "how to stop complaining in 21 days?"


Why 21 days you'll ask? Well apparently, 21 to 28 days is the minimum requested time for an addiction or a habit to stop being one. Once you passed those 3 weeks, habits can be controlled, turned over, changed, modified or kicked out, as you wish. 


So i thought, well let's give this a shot. I decided on this on Sunday morning so 3 weeks would take me to the end of may. Perfect. I like things to be square (yet i'm a very messy person but that's another story).


Obviously, you have to tell people about it. Otherwise (especially knowing myself), you can cheat as much as you want and that kinda kills the purpose of it all. So i told my man about it, he smiled with that kind of smile that says a LOT and said ok.


Monday morning, my cats were running all over the house chasing themselves and fighting, my dog refused to walk so was jumping up and down and barking her head off, i hit my wrist onto my sliding door's handle and cut myself deep. I was beyond pissed. I was crazy mad ...


Day 1 of my "i complain no more" project: EPIC FAIL.

Repeat After Me

Happiness

Kills

Inspiration

Happiness

Kills

Inspiration

HAPPINESS

KILLS 

INSPIRATION

I havent been writing in what feels like months (which when i look at it, it's not too far from the truth), it makes me feel terribly guilty but at the same time, i have no inspiration whatsoever. 

No crazy things happening to me, everything rolling smoothly and nicely. I now understand more and more why poets or writers are either alcoholics or drug addicts. 

My most productive months over the past almost 2 years that i started this blog, have been when i was either depressed or blue or dealing with stupid asses in my life. There still are stupid asses in my life but they either got strucked by enlightment lately or carefully hiding not to be seen.

I've also realized that happiness makes you live in that bubble and everything around is now pinkfully distorded. Everything looks nice and good and beautiful, nothing is weird or gross or odd. I mean damn, what can i write about now? About other's misery? That'd be nasty. I am not gonna take advantage of other's misery.

So i'll think about something cool and i'll get back to this place. Hopefully soon :)

Be patient!

Remember that the best things in life are the one worth waiting for... And let's be honest, i'm not gonna start feeling miserable to get my inspiration back !!

Easter and Holy-days!

Yesterday, today and up until monday morning, it's Easter holidays. At least in Mexico it is. I volunteered at work (i know, don't ask) to cover these 2.5 days worth of work and i was pretty much the only one in doing so. But anyway.

On Thursday, my boss didnt come but he called me a couple of time to check if everything was going ok. With only 2 phone calls that day, i told him that yeah, he could stay at the water park with his son (laughs). And this morning, it was only the 2 of us in the office. After a few hours of incredible silence, he told me: this is stupid being here i mean, the phone hasnt rang in 3 hours, i havent received 1 single email. What's the point on being here? 

So he said: when you go for lunch at 2pm, you can just go home. If you have any problem (cuz i'm on call over the week-end), just give me a shout. The phone hasnt rang since yesterday around 11am. I love it.

When i took off from the office, i didnt like it that much. First of all, i was parked in full sun so my car was a oven. And by the time the AC kicks in, i'd be home already so why bother?

And that's when i saw it. It's not holy week, it's holy mother fucking crap!

There are cars everywhere, people everywhere, crossing the streets all over the place, car parked in every single little corner or space of sidewalk available. It makes me dizzy.

It took me twice the time to get back home, in my oven of a car.

I hate the holidays.

But now, it's friday afternoon and i am OFF FOR 2.5 DAYS! 
WOO
FREAKING 
HOO


Now it would all be PERFECT if i had a basket of eggs ...

In Loving Memory

A few months ago, i took the heartless hard decision to give my beloved dog away. It was a long process but i ended up totally convinced it was for her best. I had serious emotional issues back then, had started a therapy that was draining me and which was making me emotionally extremely fragile and i felt i couldn't take care of her the way i was used to anymore. It is very hard to find someone you think fit to take care of your pet. If she couldnt have me, she deserved the next best thing.

And i honestly think i found her a great family, a couple with a young kid who fell in love with her the second he saw her (while she was knocking him down in the process!)

Why havent i talked about it earlier than almost 6 months afterwards? Cuz i felt guilty as hell. I felt guilty for not missing my dog. I felt guilty for not visiting her. And let's be honest, i don't like to face things or events that make me uncomfortable. Let alone talk about it. And that was one.

Last week, i heard that someone stole her from her new family.

It broke my heart.

I cried hours on end and i died inside.
Talking about it right now brought tears back to my eyes.

I feel like the worse person in the entire world for not being there for her. For not taking care of her. I dont know where she is now. I dont even know if she's alive. I'd rather hope her dead than in the hands of people who'd treat her poorly or hit her.

I've secretly been hoping she'll "knock" at my door one of these days. Maybe if i focus on that particular thought, she will.

I love you Niki. I miss you so much.

I am sorry beyond words.

I wanna cry.

I Physically Harm Myself

I tried to put that sentence in a more tactful way but there is no tactful way to express the feeling and the fact that i do harm myself every day that passes. The only difference nowadays, is that i actually notice i'm doing it. I don't notice when i start, i notice while i'm doing it. And stopping is the most difficult thing I've ever have to do. In 3 words, i just can't. I can't stop doing it. It goes beyond me.

Why do i physically harm myself? I do it to punish myself. To punish myself from being happy. And today being the 4th month-versary i am with my boyfriend, it's reaching records heights. How do i do it? No, i don't cut myself, blood is too messy and leaves stains and remember, i'm a practical person. Mentally screwed up but practical nonetheless. I simply use the paper tissues i constantly have around me because of my constant nose-runs (how convenient) and rub it on my hands, arms, neck and every little piece of skin i can find until i almost bleed.

It's painful but since pain is addictive, i have to do it every time a little bit harder to make it actually "work". It leaves marks all over my body. But that pain is comforting cuz i know it. Isn't it what addictions are all about? Escaping reality through sensations you know, like a comfort blanket?

I've done it since as long as i can remember. Why am i doing it? Psychologists all agree on that point: i punish myself for being the happy person my mother never managed to be. I punish myself cuz even I can't make her happy. I punish myself cuz unconsciously  i have convinced myself i don't deserve that happiness. If she can't be happy (and even more if I can't make her happy) then who the hell do i think i am to lush in all that happiness?

It is screwed up. I need therapy. I've been through sessions already and stopped cuz it was just too hard emotionally  I bailed out on the idea of getting helped and/or getting better because i didn't feel i could cope with it anymore without losing myself in it. I am deadly scared of changes even though i don't admit it. This is why i always order the same food when i go to the same restaurant for the 2nd time. And every single time afterwards as well. I am tremendously insecure and have serious self esteem problems.

Very few people know.

They see me as this person I've always dreamt i was. Strong, powerful, determined, secure, leader.

I'm not.

And when i have the chance to meet someone as wonderful as the man who's been sharing my life for the past four months, my old demons start to kick back in and i do stuff to sabotage my happiness. I don't do it consciously. But therapy has opened my eyes about it and i now notice when i do it. Which is a horrendous feeling. Cuz i don't think i can stop. I don't picture myself stopping. I cant control myself. Or so i think.

It's like being in a car full speed, seeing the wall getting closer and closer and closer and not hitting the brake.

I feel i could burst into flames.

I'm scared.

I don't want to lose you. You're just too good to be true.

This is NOT a cry for help. I am not trying to kill myself. I don't want to die. I am just trying to deal with the bad ass addiction that's been mine for more than 30 years and that is called PAIN.