The Epic Return Home

As most of you know already, I was returning back to my homeland of France after 11 years living in Mexico and a grand total of 13 years abroad. Quite a move! And to add a little bit of saucy extraordinaire, I was going to travel back with my 3 beloved cats. My mom jumped to the roof when I told her that. And I quietly explained her that it wasn't a question, it was a fact: I was taking my cats with me. I rescued these cats it's not to abandon them again. It's not like a pair of shoes you can leave behind.

Don't go believing that travelling from Mexico to France with 3 cats is an easy task. I'd be lying if I said it was complicated but let's settle it by saying it's tedious. Fortunately, I had the inmense fortune of having a friend who did just that a few years prior and his help had been priceless.

To sum it all up, there are more paperwork to be done than what I imagine you need when you want to transport a transplantable liver to the other end of the country.

So I did it all. I chipped my 3 cats, I had my vet issue a medical certificate for each one of them, had the zoosanitary services of the airport inspect them all to check their health, got a cage for each, bought special travel nappies and paid for their flight to Paris …

After thinking about it long and straight, I finally decided to have them sedated just before I went to the airport. My vet told me the sedative would last between 6 and 8 hours which meant that with my 7 hours waiting time in Mexico City, they'd be up, alive and kicking by the time they'd be boarding our plane to France. Well at least they'd have some drugged up time to kill some of the super long waiting time in D.F.

I couldn't believe how heart-breaking it was for me to see them stuck in their tiny cages knowing they'd be stuck in there for a good 28 hours. I was more worried for their well being then my own and I naturally cried my eyes out at the moment I gave them away at the checking counter. I was glad for my friend's support and thought that it would have been quite another story had I been alone at the airport on my last day in Mexico.

I had been informed that I had to go through the zoosanitary services in Mexico City as well since they were the ones who would deliver me the other St Graal I was needing: the “importation” papers for the French customs. My cats were registered, just like my lugages, all the way to Paris but I had to get them back to present them to the airport vet. And trust me, getting lugages back at your stopover when they're registered all the way to your final destination is quite something. I was actually glad for the 7 hours transit time I had between my 2 flights since it took me a good 2.5 hours to do it all.

And I had to check them in … AGAIN. The guy at the counter asked me if, considering the huge time left before my flight, I wanted to keep them with me for a few hours and I decided against. As I said earlier, seeing them in there was heartbreaking, and if they'd awaken while I had them it would have been worse to hear them cry. So I took them back as soon as the paperwork was done.

I don't know how I managed to sleep at all in the plane considering my latent anxiety about my cat's well-being and my neighbor snoring like you've never heard before but I did. CDG's airport is worse than I remembered, I arrived at terminal E, had to travel to terminal D than back to E to get my suitcases (don't ask, I still don't get it) and the only thing I was worried about was my cats. I didn't care if my suitcases hadn't make it but I wanted to see my cats so bad.

I heard them arriving on the bulky lugages delivery mat since they were all meowing on top of their lungs. They stopped the second they saw me. I couldn't do it the mexican way with 3 suitcases and 3 cages (meaning all piled up on top of one kart) so one of the airport's officials helped me out. Is there someone to help you? He asked. I said yes.

Nobody from Customs asked for my papers even though I passed right in front of 5 of them chitchatting. My friend was right … There was no need to worry.

All was good.

All is good.

Allow Me A Little Laugh

As you most likely know by now, i will soon be moving back to France. And even though some of you might find it crazy, i am very much planning on bringing my 3 cats with me. Yep, you read right, i'm taking my 3 Mexican stray cats back to France with me. No, we won't be living in Paaaariiiiiis like everybody is telling me here but yes, we'll land there so they will be able to actually "say" that they've been to Paris. LOL. What can i say, i have posh cats.

Things are getting sorted out and arranged and set up for me to go back at the end of this month but since i want to surprise my parents, i wont mention any date here. Only a handful of people actually know my departure date and i intent it to remains this way for as long as i can. 

Moving from Mexico to France with 3 cats obviously implies some paperwork to be done well in advance and thanks to a good friend of mine who moved from Mexico to Italy via Paris with his 4 cats, i believe i'm actually up to speed with all the administrative shit involved. The only thing that was left to be done was to actually purchase my plane ticket. Which i did. Today. YAY.

I did it online. And then i called the hotline cuz i was having issues with my payment (because it's a French credit card and we're in Mexico, i never understood but anyways, i'll figure it out someday). And once i had my confirmation code, i asked the lady i was talking to about my cats. And that's when she dropped a bomb: "you can only take 2 animals with you".

Say what?

Taking 2 of my 3 cats was not even an option. I mean you don't ask someone who travels if he's gonna take his left leg or his right leg to go on holiday, no, he's gonna take both. Well i'm gonna take'em all.

Long story short, the lady at the Aeromexico counter at the airport kept on bringing on the good news to me:

- yes you can take all 3 cats with you

- yes you can prepay for it now (and get a $20US discount on each)

- yes you can prepay your extra bag as well (and get another $20US discount)

- the maximum weight allowed for your suitcase is 32kg (and not 23 as i had read before - i'm repacking first thing tomorrow and i'm gonna STUFF another 8 kg in each of my suitcases!) and your second suitcase can also weight 32kg (rhaaa, i can carry up to 64kg with me)

- both your cats and your suitcases are set up all the way to Paris

- i'm changing you for a slightly later flight so you're now only flying with Aeromexico instead of having the second flight with Air France (hence i don't have to pay twice for the cats, twice for the excess luggage, and more important i don't have to collect my bags or cats in terminal 2 and then get my ass, my 64kg of crap and my 3 cats to terminal 1 and do another check in).

The only setback i'd say is that i have a 7 hours (or so) transit time in Mexico City and that my cats are going to be locked up in their traveling cages for 24 hours straight. 

They are going to HATE me for it. But hey, they're gonna live in France damn it. And i won`t take any of their ungrateful resentment.

I know this is going to be pretty epic. I know i'll feel so much better the second i'll let them out of their cage. But damn, i can't wait to write about it! 

Stay tuned!

Scream and Shout

There is a lion roaring in me. It makes me want to scream from the top of my lungs and shout to the entire world what's happening to me. And what's happening is that i am crazy madly in love. 

So what's stopping me from doing it? Because it's insane to feel this way after such a short amount of time. Because it's insane to feel that deep of a connection with someone I've never even met. Because people will think i'm crazier than i seem at first (not that i really care about what they might thing to be honest). Because they'll try to reason with me and to convince me it's just a crush that will evaporate like a drop of water under the Mexican sun. 

It's not. 

It's so much more than that.

I've been in love before. Many times. But this, goes beyond it all. Just wait and see. I might even spare some details soon ...

PS: i promise i'll try to keep the cheesiness away from this blog. But you know, sometimes, nice stuff happens to me too (not only crazy oh-my-god-how-did-she-land-herself-in-that-mess situations!)

5 de Mayo

It's been 11 years. ELEVEN YEARS. Eleven years that I've been living here in Mexico. I never thought i'd stay this long, i never thought i would ever come to realize that damn, i'm actually going to miss this place.

Me in Mazatlan, early May 2002

11 years ago, i entered Mexico by bus, from Los Angeles, through one of the busiest border city: Tijuana. I was heading South, and i spent my first 22 hours on Mexican territory in a bus, got stopped and the entire bus searched out a few times by armed-up-to-their-eyeballs military men in balaclavas, little did i know back then that this supposed 3rd world country was the place i was going to call home for the next 11 years.

I believe the real date stamped on my passport was May 3rd. But then the IMM (Mexican Immigration Institute) got it wrong and stated that i entered the country on May 5th. And i kinda liked it better.

Me: why is everything closed today?

Taxi driver: because it's May 5th, we celebrate the Battle of Puebla.

Me: what happened during that Battle?

Taxi driver: Mexican army kicked the French army's ass!

*** sigh ***

It was in 1862.

And 140 years later, here i was. Doing my own personal revengeful invasion of Mexico. At the ripe age of 24.

Mexico is nothing like what the medias are showing or saying. It's an amazing country, with amazing people. It's been the place I've called Home for the past 4000+ days. And it would most likely have remained this way wouldn't have life gotten in the way.

My neighbors asked me to make a list of all the things i'll miss when i'm gone. So they can see, through my eyes, what i value most from their country. It's a great idea for a post. I'll work on it soon. We tend to forget what we have and even worse, forget to enjoy what we have while we have it for focusing so much on what we want. Life is short. Every minute counts. 

What i'll miss the most are the people I've met throughout these years and who have been, somehow and somewhat, part of my life and part of the person i have grown into. Realizing that i will probably never see some of them ever again drills a painful hole in my heart.

These 11 years were never planned. But I've came to realize that even the best laid plans go awry. Life is good. It's only just a new beginning :)

If WW1 Happened 100 Years Later

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time online. And by a lot, i mean, A LOOOOT. Not working is driving me crazy but let's not talk about this, it might depress me a little. As everything else in this life, the Internet has some good stuff and some terrible stuff. And today, i ran into something that made me smile but also made me happy. 

Well, "happy" might not quite be the right word. Let me try to explain. 

Back in the days, when i was in secondary and high school, we had History classes in which, apart from the French Revolution that i hated so much to learn about (so many dates, so many names, so many places to remember), we learnt about the 20th century. And above it all, World War 1, the Russian Revolution, the Great Depression, the New Deal, World War 2 and we pretty much stopped there, in the 1950s. Out of all these life changing events that happened in Europe (and the world), my favorite era was WW2. Probably because both of my grand-fathers had fought in it. I was fascinated by it all. And i really wished i had the opportunity (or maybe should i say, the guts) to ask my grand-dad to talk about it and tell me his story (one of my grand-fathers died when i was only 8 years old so couldn't really ask him). He had mentioned it several times, telling anecdotes and stuff but nothing really heavy and i'm only realizing now how much stories and how much History has gone with him :(

So when i found out that the "Musée de la Grande Guerre du pays de Meaux" thought about narrating WW1 through the eyes of a "Poilu" (French WW1 soldier) named Léon Vivien updating his status on Facebook, i thought that was a brilliant idea. The First World War took more than 10 millions lives. TEN MILLIONS. It's a conflict that lasted for 4 years. The last veteran died in May 2011 at the ripe age of 110. So who's there to tell us, descendants, about it all? I understand it's a war. For some, it's just a war a century ago. But my great-grand-parents lived it, my grand-parents were born during or right after it and whether i want it or not, it's part of my history too.

Leon's page is very well done. Obviously, an actual soldier wouldn't be able to update his status like he virtually does on FB but what a great way or learning more about a part of our past, using today's social media's platforms. He's posting pictures (real 1915 pictures), songs that were "hits" back in the days, his wife is pregnant and worried obviously, she comments on his posts sometimes, just like his fellow-soldiers and friends. 

I'm his friend now. So i can get updates on his every day life on the battlefields. Modern days wars are probably a million light years away from what it used to be a century ago but projects like this make it more real, especially for people like me who don't have friends or relatives in the military. Well, i do, and plenty. But none of them are on the firing line. 

I really hope he's gonna make it. 

I'm In Pain

Apart from the fact that I've been exercising like crazy lately in order to get a killer body i might be able to brag about some day, i'm also currently in another dimension of pain: emotional pain. And the worse part of it is that it's not because of something that has happened to me, it's because of something a very close friend is going through. 

Out of respect for him, i will not explain what's the matter with him and his life. But he's about to hit rock bottom and there is not much i can do for him unless he allows me in. I wrote him this long and maybe a bit harsh email explaining him the way i felt about it all. I told him things he probably didn't want to hear but I've always believed the truth is better to a lie and more than often, a true friend is gonna be that one person who dares to hurt your feelings for you to hear what you need to hear, and not just what you want to.

As i told him, i believe real friendship is like holy matrimony, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and that is truly the way i feel for him. I don't care what he's done or might be doing, don't care if he's healthy or sick, wealthy or poor. I don't care either if i'm the only one standing by his side in front of a million people. What i care for is him. 

But about it all, i really truly hope that he knows all this. That no matter what, i'll be there for him. Now, and always. 

It's in times of sorrow and despair that you see who your true friends are. I don't want to be that person who's only there when it's all nice and good. This is just not who i am. 

I've always been good at being insensitive and somehow detached of human's emotions hence being rather gifted at cheering people up in that objective and rational way. If you're looking for a comfort blanket, i'm definitely not the right friend for you. But if you want a person who's not afraid to maybe hurt your feelings with the truth, then you've come to the right person.

I never meant to hurt him and if i did, i'll be sorry for quite some time. But what bothers me is that his pain, his frustration, his anger and his despair are hurting me too. I feel them like they were my own. I don't think I've ever felt this way before. This new person i'm becoming is wreaking havoc in me. I'm not used to this. 

So until i know how to manage all this, i just hope he'll reach out to me. I'm just offering a helping hand. And all that my heart has to offer.

Earth Hour

Every year, at the end of March and since 2007, it's Earth Hour. It's a movement that started in Sydney Australia and now followed by many countries and cities that encourages people to turn off all their essential lights during one hour. To give the Earth a break. Turning off the lights to turn on the night. 

I don't think many people here where i currently live are doing it. I believe environment and ideologies like this are people's last worry, or concern. They just don't care. Not about these things anyway. 

I've done it every year since I've found out about it. I'm doing it right this second as well. My laptop screen is the only light i have on in my house, that and a tiny piece of candle i found  that i normally leave outside. I even unscrewed a photosensitive light i have outside so i can have every single one of my lights actually turned off.

I know it's symbolical, i know it wont save the world. But in the end, it's a way to realize the impact of what each of us is doing to the planet. It's one hour only. And if everybody was doing it, it could change the world for real. After all, the oceans are made of many, many drops. 

I enjoy events like this. 

I Don't Know How

I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to express the loneliness i feel in my heart. And in my soul. I feel so lonely i could cry. And since i don't have the strength to elaborate a little more, i'll let a picture says it all for me.

THIS ... Is What I Want

I want that body, with maybe a tad more flesh since i believe she's too skinny to my liking but hey, i'd settle with that anyway ;)

And you know what the best part of it is?

I'll get it.

I give myself 3 months for this. 3 months and a week. Right on time for the Monsters Race at the beginning of June. 

I've taken some before pictures (so what i look like now) and i'll take some more after a month, after 2 months and then at the end and i'll show them off here!

Ultimately, whenever i find the drive or the perfect fit sport-wise for me, i'm aiming at this:

Don't wish me luck. I know what i want. I know how to get it. And it's called work. 
And just like a sign i saw was stating: 

"Nobody cares about your excuses. Nobody pities you for procrastinating. Nobody is gonna cuddle you because you're lazy. 
It's YOUR ASS. 
YOU move it".

Catherapy

I don't think the word exists but it doesn't really matter, i invented it and i think it fits. 

The other day, i was reading an article about cats and i was amazed to learn that of all mammals, cats heal 3 times faster than any other. Which means that if you take for example, a horse, a human being and a cat, all 3 of them with a broken leg, well the cat is gonna be up and running 3 times faster than the other 2. And why is that? Because cats PURR.

After digging it a little more, i found out that cats purring is on a frequency range that improve bone density and promote healing. So cats don't only purr when they're happy. They actually purr more when in a stressful environment, or when they're hurt. To heal themselves. Or soothe themselves.

In that same article was a mention of therapy cats and how some Asian folks have set some cat therapy clinics to help patients combat a variety of physical illnesses, as well as anxiety disorders, depression, loneliness and developmental disabilities.

A few days ago, i wasn't well at all. I was crying non-stop and had anxiety attacks. My shrink told me that it will happen from time to time and that it is part of the mourning process but that doesn't make it any less damaging. Especially when you're alone. 

But as i did with my insomnia problem, i refuse to let depression take over my life, i refuse to let  that loss rule my world and a friend of mine i had talked about that catherapy reminded me of it. He told me: you have 3 cats at your entire disposal, use them, cuddle them, lay down with them and let them help you mend the pieces of your broken heart and fill at least some of the void in your soul.

And i did.

And it worked.

Funnily enough, every time i have felt down, my 3 cats have been more cuddly and they all come on my bed at night (before that, it was only when it was cold, and most of the time, only in the morning, when the alarm had just rang to make me understand it was high time to feed them). It's amazing the wonders a purring cat can do. It's soothing to a point you don't want to cry anymore. It's comforting to a point you don't feel that pain piercing you anymore.

My cats are the best. And i'm sure they're not done helping me going through this all.

 Yeti is the best "healer"

Nina is the best "cuddler"

My other cat Psycha, doesnt care for healing or cuddling. She just want to be fed :P

My Cats Dont Care About Health

As some of you might remember, pretty much a year ago, ex-Dear Beloved and i switched the diet of all of our 5 pets (2 dogs and 3 cats) to the BARF diet. It was healthier and way more natural than kibbles and canned food and i'd say all our pets changed to that menu pretty easily.

It's been a year now and as you also know, i'm moving back to France next month and i know that for a while at least, my cats will be back to eat kibbles. I know, i know, shame on me. I'm not too happy about it either to be honest but you cant put fresh meat in their cage for the trip and i dont know if i'll have a fish shop close by or a butcher close by when i'm in France and even if i do, they wont taste the same. They're already gonna have to adapt to the new weather (which is going to be as drastic a change as it will be for me) i dont want them to have to adapt to new food as well. Not just yet anyway.

So earlier this week, i went to the supermarket, got them a bag of kibbles and damn them, you should have seen their reaction. The second i plunged a cup in the bag, all 3 of them came rushing from wherever they were and sat in front of their bowl.

I havent seen them eating that enthusiastically for quite a while to be honest. And the first thing i thought was, well, there you go for the healthy diet, they couldnt care less, they want kibbles. Screw fresh meat, screw everything bloody you put in our plate before, WE WANT KIBBLES.

Hopefully, Yeti will start putting on some weight. He's so skinny he's the one i worry about the most for the big trip to France.

But anyways, i'll keep you all posted about the trip back to France. I believe there are going to be countless of anectodes and crazy stuff happening in between now and then, both for my cats and for myself. It would be a shame not to share them all :)

PS: the picture is a couple of years old but from left to right: Psycha, Yeti and Nina (when we just got her)

Happy Valentine Day ... to ME

I believe i've said it before but i'll repeat it again, just to make sure. I dont like Valentine's day. I think it's cheesy, i think it kills the entire concept of love and more to the point, i think it's commercial.

I'm not saying this because i'm single and without a Valentine. I've always felt that way. I think if you love someone, you dont need a day that the calendar imposes you to let him/her know about it. If you love someone, you show him/her every single day that passes. Why do you need to be the 14th of February to take him to dinner, or give him chocolates, or a present or whatever. There are 365 days in a year and you should make the best of them ALL.

Here in Mexico, Valentine's day is not only the day for lovers it's also the day for friends. It's the day of love and friendship. How about that? I like that better. In a way. That's a commercial way-out for single people to still spend money on gifts for friends instead of spending it on a lover. But i also like the concept since nobody is left out in the celebration. There is always someone who's gonna wish you the best and show you their love and support and it feels nice.

Today, since i'm single, i decided to do not-fun stuff by going to the bank. When i got there, my adviser wasnt there and nobody else was available so i thought, well, not meant to do this today then. Since i was there, i decided to go sit on the beach and watch the ocean. Something i havent done in so long i dont even remember the last time i actually did it. You never do stuff like that when you can - cuz it's right there. I'm sure i'll miss it like crazy when i'm gone but that's another story. 

It's when i stepped on the beach that i realized i was on the exact same spot i came to the first time i set foot on a beach here in Puerto Vallarta, some 11 years ago. Talking about closing chapters. I've always believed everything happens for a reason and me ending up there today was no coincidence. I was meant to be there, especifically to close chapters. Just like i did yesterday with all these old memories of my life here. 

The moment was quiet and beautiful. I topped it up with a massage that left me amazingly mellow and relaxed. I'm gonna go take a nap now. The only thing that could make this day even better than it is already, is my neighbor coming tonight with his friend telling me he's buying the house. I've already put a bottle of champagne in the fridge for the celebration!

Down Memory Lane

Since i now have all the time in the world but still need to start preparing my moving back to France, today, i decided to go through all the books i have on my book shelves. All the books and everything that has been sitting there for ever and gathering dust. And dear lord do i own stuff. It is amazing how much crap you're accumulating over the years and somehow, all that crap got carried from one place to another, one house to another over the past 11 years i've been to Mexico.

So today, i went through every single book i own and put aside the ones i want to take back home with me. The rest, i made 2 piles: the french books on one side, and the not in french books on the other side. And i'll give them all away (the ones i dont want of course).

As i was getting closer to the bottom of my shelf, i started to find bags of old pictures and old diaries of mine. Stuff so old it was from the time BEFORE i arrived to Mexico. This is some shit that is at least 11 years old. And i'm still carrying that around?

So i grabbed a gigantic garbage bag and started to review every single pictures i found. Seriously, there are some pictures of people i dont even recognize. Places i dont remember going to. And some of me, oh dear god, i wish i'd never seen. That's the problem when you see something. You can't un-see it. 

So i started tossing. And i actually tossed a LOT. Strangely, it was a mixed feeling to do this. A mixed feeling between nostalgia and detachment.

Nostalgia of a time that was and never will be again. About the people i was hanging out with then that i've lost touch with. About the places i had visited and seen that one time. About the person i was then.

But at the same time, i felt detached of all these things. Just like it wasnt part of me anymore. Just like if it was the pictures and the memories of someone else. That's actually the way it's been feeling lately. That this life i'm in right now doesnt belong to me anymore. That my time in Mexico has come to an end. In my head, i'm already gone. I now feel closer to the people in France (most of whom i only know virtually) than anybody here.

It's an odd feeling to go through 11 years of your own life. Especially when it's from your adult life. You see the bigger picture, you see the progression of where you were standing then and where you're standing now. Pictures, diaries, letters, newspapers, even little notes i was leaving for my boyfriend of the time. Reading these notes i wrote with my own hands so many years ago felt like a total intrusion into someone's intimacy. It felt like i was violating someone's secret memories. It even made me feel so uncomfortable i stop reading and disposed of it. 

I now understand why some people ask complete strangers to do all that sorting for them. You dont have the emotional involvement, it doesnt make old stuff surface and slither back in your life unexpectedly.

I didnt expect to find all this. Nor did i expect to be "affected" by it as i ended up being. I guess it made me grasp the scope of what i'm about to do. It's not really a chapter of my life i'm closing, it's an entire BOOK. And the next one is ready to be started, with a little terrifying detail: it's not written yet.

It's Your Birthday

I really wish i could stop talking about it, about you. But today is your birthday and how couldnt i? So this is the letter i was meaning to write you some time ago but didnt find the strength to.

You were, are and forever will be my little baby brother. I remember when people were asking me, oh, you have a younger brother, how old is he? And i always had to think twice before answering cuz for me, you were still that little boy i was riding with back from school. We've always got along but the older we were getting, the better it was. 

I remember the bond we had when we were playing together, or watching stupid tv shows before doing our homework. It was the bond of brotherhood. And quite frankly, there isnt anything better in life.

As the years went by, i moved away from France and watched you from afar, struggling to make a living out of your passion but not doubting a single second this was what you wanted to do and where you wanted to be in your life. I knew you werent having it easy but every single time we saw each other over the past 13 years i've been away, it was like we were both living the life of our dreams, careless, carefree, having a ball and laughing our eyes out at eachother's stupid jokes.

And then the unspeakable happened. All of the sudden, i was caught in YOUR world and realized, in complete awe, how much bigger you were than all of us. What you managed to create from your tiny appartment, wow, i dont even know where to start. You succeeded in gathering hundreds of people and making them become this big family that has now lost their leader. You were admired and respected by people much older than you were, much more experienced than you were and yet, still managed to stay the reserved, humble, down to earth person i was lucky to grow up with.

Words cant even start to express how proud i am of you. How unbelievably proud i am of what you did with your life, of how many people you've inspired and somehow influenced for many years to come. You truly became a hero that so many admired, me included.

You've taught showed us that no dream is too big, that nobody is too small and that determination and faith go more than a long way. 

I wish i had had the chance to tell you this. I wish i could have held you in my arms to tell you how proud i've always been of you, tell you how much i love you and how much i thought of you all the time.

You're gone now. I miss you like i didnt even think it was possible to miss someone. It's like i have this massive hole in my heart that nobody can ever fill up completely. I think about you all the time, about all the things we still had to share, all the things we still had to talk about or laugh about, all the thing that you had to teach me and maybe also, the things i had to teach you.

I hope, wherever you are now, that you know how much we miss you. Life will never be the same again. They say you're in a better place. Well, better or not, this place here is a lot worse without you. But life aint always fair. And with you gone, it sometimes feels like the sparkle in my humble life will never glitter again.

Happy 33rd birthday lil'bro.

Love you ... now and always.

Siblings are the people we practice on, the people who teach us about fairness and cooperation and kindness and caring - quite often the hard way.  ~Pamela Dugdale

Asshole

Tonight, and for a change, i listened to my mom's advice and made an appointment with an homeopath. Why? Because as i said in an earlier post, my brain is like a flat tire, it's exhausted and i badly NEED to be on top of my game for everything that is awaiting me. AND, to try to get some sleep cuz 5hrs a night is definitely not enough. Call it stress, depression, mourning, or plain exhaustion, bottom line is i'm suffering from insomnia, it's been going on for a couple of weeks now and it's bothering the hell out of me. 

And i refuse to take sleeping pills. Mostly because i'm allergic to one too many things already but also because i know myself and i'd get addicted to it in no time. 

When i told that to my shrink, she was enthusiastic about the idea and recommended me the best homeopath in town, bragging about how good he was and everything. So i called and got an appointment for the same day, today.

After i gave him the usual info regarding my little self, and told him a bit the reason why i was there, he stood up to check my eyes (apparently you can tell a lot about someone from the iris and i think that is creepy as hell).

And then he started what felt like lecturing me, about being selfish when we lose someone or something, about keeping all my love for myself without passing it on to a child, that it's wrong to keep it inside and not share it and even comparing losing a brother to losing a bag.

HOW THE FLYING FUCK IS LOSING A BAG REMOTEDLY CLOSE TO LOSING A BROTHER??? AND WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TELL ME I DONT GIVE MY LOVE AND PASSION TO ANYBODY? HOW THE FUCK DOES HE KNOW WHAT I DO AND DONT DO? HOW DARE HE ASSUME I'M KEEPING IT ALL IN? WHY IS HE INSINUATING I NEED TO HURRY UP TO HAVE A BABY? WHAT IF I DONT WANT ONE? AND WHY THE HECK DOES HE TALK TO ME SAYING "WE"? I DONT KNOW YOU, WE'RE NOT "WE" AND I'M NOT "WE" EITHER! 

I answered back to him a few times in a pretty snappy way and i believe he sensed that i was about to stand up and punch him the face. And when i WAS actually going to just get the hell outta there, he gave me a prescription for some homeopathic meds and told me to come back in a week to check if the treatment had had some effects already and then again in 3 months before i leave so he can give me another treatment if needed be.

I am NEVER going back to see that man. 

What a complete ARSE.

I hate him.

I was so angry when i stepped out of his practise i almost puked. And he's supposed to make me feel better? I hope his meds work better than his human skills.

ASSHOLE.

I'm Breaking Free

I have a lot going on. And by a lot, i mean A LOT. I actually need to follow my shrink advice and make a to-do list of all the loose ends that need to be tie up.

I havent been doing great lately and i really feel like my brain is about to implode. Actually, my doctor said that it's a normal "feeling" and that's generally the first signs of something more serious called depression: your brain is exhausted.

What do you have? I have brain exhaustion. LOL.

I shouldnt laugh, it really isnt funny. But i have this mental image of a brain looking like a cartoon flat tire... 

Anywaysssss.

So here i was, this morning over breakfast, doing the usual, harvesting and planting shit in my farm when it kinda hit me in the face: I AM ADDICTED TO FARMVILLE. And that bloody addiction is taking a tremendous chunk off of my free time hence diverting me from my need to be done. 

And trust me, when you're about to move back to your home country after 11 years abroad, a lot need to be done. Especially when you realize that almost half of January is already gone and that there are only 3 months left. And i thought it'd take forever. If i'm not more careful, by the time i'll wake up tomorrow we'll be in April already and none of what needs to be done will be.

So today, i took the time to advice my FV friends that i wouldnt be playing anymore. I've been an avid player for about 2 years now and i've met some amazing people thanks to it. They know who they are (wink wink). And when i made it back home, i cleaned up everything on each of my 8 farms, sent gifts to my friends, changed the set up on my newsfeed so i dont get any more FV notifications and BLOCKED the app. O_o

It's been 10 minutes. It feels weird. But a nice kinda weird. It feels like i'm breaking free from something that ceased to be fun and had started to control my life and my free time. I'm becoming the owner of my life again. How cool is that? 

It's Official

Since i have sent that letter to my boss, the news is now official: 

I AM MOVING BACK TO FRANCE.

I know it might comes as a surprise for some of you, especially after such a long time abroad, but sometimes, life gets in the way of the best set plans.

As most of you know already, last September, i lost my one and only brother Antoine in a motorcycling accident. Needless to say it's been an emotional roller-coaster over the past few months. Some days are ok, some days are plain awful. And even though i know time heals pretty much everything, i personnally think that time is not working fast enough.

The idea of going back has come to my mind pretty much since the second my cousin took me back to the airport, as i waived my parents goodbye. My parents, in tears, on the sidewalk in front of my brother's appartment. Hadnt i had a house and a boyfriend in Mexico at the time, i wouldnt have hesitated a single second. Cuz at that particular moment, the only question that was going through my mind was: what the heck am i doing?

I should have stayed. 

Then things went sour with now ex-Dear Beloved, and Christmas came, and NY celebration came and the more i thought about it the more it made perfect sense. 

I mentioned it to my parents at the end of November but i dont think they realized i already made the decision of moving back. And that is was a decision i made a long time ago. I want need to be closer to my parents. I need to be there for them probably as much as i need them to be there for me. We're in this together. And will always be.

I am not leaving tomorrow. I have a lot to take care of here before i event think about moving back, selling my house being quite a big one! But i'm planning on moving back at the end of April, early May at the latest. May 5th being kind of a deadline date for me since it'd be the 11th anniversary of my life in Mexico.

11 YEARS. It's a lifetime almost. It hasnt been always easy, but i've got to do incredible stuff, and meet amazing people that i will keep in my heart for many years to come. Thank god for today's technologies to stay in touch easily.

I'm about to close a big chapter of my life. I'm not turning a page, i'm closing a book and about to start a new one. I'll be a foreigner in my own country. It will be a massive cultural shock all over again. I'll need a job. I'll need a home. I'll need to make friends. I'll need to get use to the money. I'll need to re-adjust to what  living in Europe is. And i'll most likely blog all about it!

Meanwhile, i'll try to enjoy my remaining time here, as well as the people who had become my family away from home.

I'll miss you all, some more than others.

Until we meet again...

I Dont Want To Cry Anymore

This is it. 2012 is finally coming to an end and honestly, i'm eagerly waiting for that new promising year to begin. Not because my life is going to change dramatically over the next hours but because i want this celebration and greetings and best wishes times to be over.

Tonight, i wont be celebrating. And there are a few reasons behind it. The first one, and i think that is one pretty good reason to be honest, is that i'm sick. And my doctor this afternoon was adament: i urgently need to rest. If he could tell that to my boss, i'd appreciate by the way ;)

It's nothing serious, i just got a sore throat but i'm also on the verge of exhaustion and i badly need to just chillax.

The second reason, and i believe it is a pretty damn good second reason as well, is that i am in no mood for a let's-pretend-i'm-having-fun celebration when i'm crumbling down inside.

I miss my brother so freaking bad. It was already hard over Christmas, especially when i talked to my parents, who received the photo album i made for them with the help and participation of dozens of my brother's friends, it's now even worse for new year. 

Why?

Cuz everybody is wishing me the best for 2013, hoping i wont have to go through such a traumatic experience again, cuz all his friends (some of them have become mine now) are mentioning him somehow when it comes to talk about what 2012 brought them (or took them in that case) and cuz whether i want it or not, until it'll be a year, we'll all have to go through experiencing our first everything without him.

It's been 4 months. How much longer will it hurt? How much longer is it gonna take for the pain to go away? How much longer will i cry for? How much more tears do i have? When will i stop missing you this much? Why did you have to go? What is the bigger plan behind all this? Is there even a bigger plan? Are you trying to tell me something?

Light my way lil'bro.

Light my way.

To a better 2013.

But please, i dont want to cry anymore.