Sacred Breakfast

Breakfast, to me, is sacred. And every single of my closest friends knows. Breakfast is generally what's gonna determine if my day is gonna be good or bad, if i'm gonna be in a good mood or not. Nothing can should interrupt me when i'm having breakfast otherwise, it interrupts the process of making a decent person out of the human being i barely am when i wake up. There is a whole determined routine i'm following every single morning: i wake up, hop in my sweat pants and tennis shoes, go walk the dog for 30 minutes, come back home, feed the dog, feed the fish, and get started on my breakfast. And when my tea is poured in the bowl then there is only one thought going through my head: "finally".
It doesnt matter at what time i wake up, nor at what time i need to be at work, breakfast will take at least 30 minutes of my time no matter what. And since i tend to feel guilty as hell if i dont walk my dog every morning (and know she will be a pain of hyperactivity during sacred breakfast), i wake up 2 hours before i need to be at work just to make sure i have this reserved sacred hour for myself. Well, 30 minutes for the dog, 30 minutes for me.
Breakfast is a ritual. I have the same breakfast every single day, nothing very fancy: tea (in a liter bowl), toasts with butter and jam, laptop on the breakfast table connected on the latest news. And that's it.

So needless to say, SUNDAY breakfast is the absolute breakfast experience. And even if i generally have 3 days off a week, Sundays are special because they're quieter days with almost no traffic passing in the street, no gaz truck, no water truck, no fruit truck, no everything-you-think-about truck. And since i wake up pretty early, i dont hear the neighbor's kids or the neighbors as a matter of fact, they tend to go to church on Sundays. If it's not perfection, a sunday breakfast surely gets close to it.
So when i have, for the third sunday in a row, Jehovah witnesses knocking at my door, right in the middle of my perfect until you came breakfast, i tend to be nasty. Last time, i was plain rude with them and felt terrible in the aftermath. This morning, i just tell them to go away and stop harassing me. No i dont have a minute for you, no i dont want your litterature, no i dont want to talk to you: it's sunday, it's my day for being asocial, leave me alone.
I really need to put up the sign on the door of my fence. It says:

    

Is It Gonna Rain All Day ?

When i woke up this morning and heard the rain outside, that is the first thing that came to my mind: "it is gonna rain like this all day?"
Not that i care if it does rain like that all day. I like the rain, it cools things off, sticks the dust on the floor and makes the time spent under the blanket a nearly orgasmic experience. It's comfort at its best. Why did i think about it then? Cuz today, there is a cruise ship in port, which means that today is a day i'm gonna be working on the pier, receiving people who ARE going to ask me if it's gonna be raining like this all day. Question to which i always answer with OJALA a smile saying that i dont know but surely dont think so, it normally doesnt rain in January, that it was like that yesterday and it cleared up, blablabla, a bunch of bullshit. Like come on you guys. HOW THE FUCK DO I KNOW? Even the weather channel doesnt know for sure so how do they want ME to give them an answer on that?? I know you're on holidays, in Mexico, i know you want beach and sunshine and warmth but there is absolutely NOTHING i can do about the weather so STOP ASKING.
Where's the sun? DONT KNOW but maybe if you have his phone number we can give him a quick call to ask him! Is it gonna rain all day? Why? Does that bother you? GOOD. Cuz that's exactly the reason why it's raining today, just because i wanted to piss you off, i ordered rain for the day, just to screw up your holidays and your day here in PV. Is the swim with the dolphin cancelled? Why? Because of the rain? Oh no, we're gonna give the dolphins wetsuit to make sure they dont get cold in the rain, and cover the pool as well cuz they really dont like water getting in their eyes. What about the whale watching? Are we gonna see whales with this weather? Probably not, they'd all have gone further South to enjoy some warmer climate in the tropics.

I have said it before, i will repeat it again:

DONT ASK STUPID QUESTIONS IF YOU DONT WANT STUPID ANSWERS.

Cuz you know i'll give you an answer proportionally as stupid as your question.
Or more.

  

It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day, It's A New Life ... For Me ... And I'm Feeling Good ...

As most of you know already, i have been in a relationship for a scandalous 3 weeks already and i'm kinda getting used to it. It feels nice. And warm. And soft. And even though my boyfriend is a good deal younger than me, we dont really care about it. First because it doesnt matter that much in the end, second, because if i wouldnt mention it, nobody would know or notice there is such a big age gap and last but not least, because people whose opinion matters to you dont really care about your boyfriend or girlfriend's age as long as they see you happy. And i am.
I guess there is always a moment in the relationship, a dreaded moment in the relationship when you're meeting your other half's friends. I'm saying dreaded because a lot of the success of said relationship depends on this meeting. I know you're not gonna be dating his friends but come on, some of them have been in his life forever, they know him since he wasnt even talking yet, not even walking! So whether you want it or not, whether you care or not, putting HIS friends on YOUR side makes a hell of a difference.
My dreaded encounter, the moment when everybody would be putting me under a microscope happens quite early in my relationship: a mere week after we started dating. And since we're gonna be meeting the "clan", might as well do things properly ... i met them ALL. It was his cousin's birthday so pretty much everybody he knows and gets on with was there.
I wasnt dying of anxiety, end of it all, i dont really have to prove anything to anybody. Just being with him and presented as his girlfriend should have been be good enough. She's with me, she's off limit and you accept her in the clan cuz i'm the one bringing her in and because i say so. This is a bit how it feels no? Well this is the way i think it feels.
Yet you know, afterwards, i wondered "how i did?" The answer was quick to come. When his cousin (the birthday boy) saw me again a few days later and said to me, IN FRENCH: "bonjour Mathilde, comment ca va?" i felt happy inside, warm inside and thought: fiuuuu, i think i did pretty good then! Especially knowing that his cousin means the world to him. Apart from the blood relationship, they're like brothers to eachother as well as best friends. And let's be honest, he's been there 20 more years than i have.

Well yesterday evening, it was HIS turn to be sent in the lion's cage and to meet my friends. It was a bit unexpected, my very good friend and now neighbor Nahomi was doing her house-warming/Posada/Xmas/New Year/Dia de los Reyes party. And even though i knew everybody who was there, most of them people from work, the only person who's opinion mattered to me was hers. And when she told him "hey, feel like home, help yourself in the fridge with anything you may need, do you want something else, you're ok", i knew he'd made it too. Even he told me how good he felt at the time, how good it feels to be accepted in your girlfriend's "entourage".

His friends like me, my friends like him, how things can possibly go wrong?

  

I Wonder Why

With 2010 and a new year starting, i had decided to work on my well being - both physical and mental. I've never been good at keeping up with my new year resolutions. I mean i always make a list of good resolutions but i suck at keeping up with it. But i was determined to make 2010 a different year. Well, 9 days into this new year and i can tell it's gonna be just like the way it's been for the past 15 years or so: a complete failure in making big changes. Yes i am determined to let grow my hair and doing good so far, no, i havent been drinking a drop of alcool since i started my asthma treatment that is meant to last for 3 months (but have completely forgotten to take my meds for 3 days now), yes i have gone and seen houses and lands for sale in areas of PV i want to live in (but still havent called any of the numbers to get a quote) but all these are tiny insignificant little stuff that i knew would be "easy". I am too scared of changes to go ahead with the big stuff. But more than anything, i am too scared and too coward to face all my issues and all my demons. I have a psychologist phone number that i havent called, a friend who wants to help me that i stopped visiting and the list goes on.

Why is that that some people, like me, refuse the help they're being offered? Why is that that i systematically refuse the helping hand i'm been lent. What on earth makes me think that i can do it all by myself? Why don't i want to accept the fact that i am way more screwed up than i think thought and that i DO need profesional help for it? Why do i always run away from people who actually want to help me, who have my best interests at heart? Why do i think that people are not honest with me and just try to screw me up - or that they're being nice to me just to make sure they hurt me nice and well afterwards?

And last but not least: do i want an answer to all these questions?

   

Insecure Hug Starving Lady

It is most likely that my first post of 2010 will be sad. Well, not sad really, more like nostalgic. A little spleen to start the new year. Me realizing things little by little, of who i am.
I've been going out with this guy for a few weeks now. And even if he's young (like very young), he made me realized one thing a few days ago. He made me realized that, on top of all my screwed up shit, i'm the most insecure person there is when relationships are involved. I've been out of the dating scene for so long it's weird to be "in" a relationship.  Getting the guy, getting the sex, that, is not complicated whatsoever. But if there is more than a one-night stand, then other stuff are tagging along. Amongst it all, the compliments, the cheesiness, and all those nice things that make me run away a mile. I've been hurt in the past. Big time. Everybody has i guess. But the heartbreak i've been through feels like i've been destroyed emotionally. A few weeks ago, i was going to write a post that i would probably have titled "outta love" because that was exactly the way i was feeling back then. Like i was empty inside. Like nothing or none could cheer me up, could make me feel good again, or could make me love again. I was feeling incapable of loving again. I still feel that way. Like an empty shell. But on top of it all, i've realized that i've lost my faith and trust in men's sincerity. I can't believe or accept the idea of a person loving ME. I need constant reassurance. I'm craving for hugs and kisses and attention and contact and messages and phone calls. I'm craving for him to be there always just to make sure i'm not dreaming it. I'm craving for something i used to have so long ago in which i lost myself into. I'm an addict who's been weaned and just got another shot of the drugs. It's been so long it's giddy. It's scary too. Scary to realize that it still tastes so good after such a long time without. Is it love that i feel? I doubt it. I dont remember what it feels like to be loved or to love. The kinda love that hurts you so bad you'd die for it. I want to remember what it feels. My heart has healed. Now it's time i learn how to use it again.

  

Of Course I Was Going To Write Something On December 31st

This is gonna be the last post of the year ... Obviously ... jaja. I am not gonna wish anybody a happy new year cuz personally, i don't like doing so. I think it's fake, i think the partying involved for NYD is fake, makes me feel old, depresses me as well, everything is packed, overcrowded, over-loud, obnoxious. Hate it. And let's be honest. How tomorrow will be different from today? Apart from the fact that i won't be working, it's gonna be a normal Friday for me. A normal day in the week.

New Year always come with a bunch of good resolutions that you i give up after a week or so. This year is no exception for me. I have made a list of good resolutions for 2010. Except that there is only ONE on the list this year: i want to be happy. I want to take better care of myself, stop making other people happy and working on MY happiness, maybe being a little selfish for a change.

I read a sentence this morning over breakfast that sums it all up:
"Most people have a harder time letting themselves loved than finding someone to love them".
Maybe it's time that i open my heart a bit, maybe it's time that i let go of my discretion and hop on the "seize the day" train, time that i stop looking for the perfect everything when perfection is not part of this world, time to stop making excuses for not being enjoying life fully. As another person said: "it's not because things are difficult that we dont dare, it's because we dont dare that they are difficult"

Well there you have it, my one and only good resolution for this year to come. This year will be my year, my new begining.

2010 ... HERE I COME!

No Title Is Good Enough

This is a post i wished i'd never write. This is a post i so very wished i'd never get to write. Unfortunately, the dreaded time has come. This is an open letter to someone who i hope, will keep on reading these lines. Someone who i'm sure, will know it's for him i'm writing this, about him i'm talking.

I met you against all odds and against anybody's better judgement, pretty much 2 years ago exactly. It was Christmas, it was cold. I had no idea i was letting someone like you getting into my life as much as you did. After some time apart, we finally got to know eachother better and it was just amazing. There are no word that can describe the connection we had have (sorry can't resign myself in talking with past tense). 

You always said you could read me like an open book and jeez did that piss me off :-) but at the same time, it's one of the things that made our relationship so special. I didnt have to explain stuff endlessly, you just knew it already. You knew about my mood switches, my inner pain, my frustration, my rage, my shallowness and superficiality. You knew from the very begining about my incapacity to go over certain stuff.

You once said that escaping is not the answer, that my happiness, i need to find it inside myself, not on the other side of the world. And you're the one who's leaving now. How ironic.
I'm not asking you to stay, you know i wouldnt do such thing, nor would you stay if i'd ask you anyway. I'm incapable of giving you what you want. I'm a coward. I'm too scared of grabbing the happiness you're offering me, too scared of changes, too scared of the unknown. I dont know what happiness is, means, or feels. I've just come to realized that recently. And everything i have realized about myself lately, i owe it to you.

YOU are the one who opened my eyes about it all, YOU made me put a name on my "mal-estar", YOU made me unsterstand where it was all coming from, YOU wiped my tears and pat me on the back. And i just couldn't let go. I couldnt cuz i was scared. Scared of bumping into something so intense, so strong that it would get the best of me. That there would have been no way back.

I know what my problem is now, and it's thanks to you. I will work  on it from now on, i will do my best to be happy. I truly hope we'll meet again. No i wont give you my address, i dont want you to write me the way you asked all of us for our address. I know you'll find a way to let me know. Again, i know that day will happen eventually. We've been watching enough series on tv to know that most of the time, the bad guys end up losing. Even if you've always kept on hoping that one day, the good ones will lose.

You made me understand that my weakness (or what i considered weakness), may also be my biggest strenght, my power to finally reach happiness. I'm not there yet, but i promise you i'll work on it. You said you'll be there every step of the way. You sure will. I dont think there'll ever be a day that'll pass without me thinking of you, worrying for you and missing you.

You've made a nest in my heart and now hold a very special place in it. Be proud. You're one of a very few.

Hope our paths will meet again.

Good luck.
I miss you already.

  

Mmm??!!

I said it in some previous post, my mom always told me NOT to write or lash out "a capella" or at the highest of the heat. Yet, here i am, Xmas morning, 8:30am, still hasnt slept one bit, not even remotedly close to ... 26 hours up and counting. Everybody else around is dying in a forgetting sleep, i'm not. I'm not drunk. I'm just high. Big time. Had no idea typing could be THAT hard and more particularly THAT SLOW. Ok, i knew about it. It just hadnt happened to me in so long i didnt even remember typing with only one finger and still struggle about it.
Being drunk can have some fun part, been there done that -  a million times. Being high is a whole different story. I'm chewing the crap out of my teeth, like i'm planning on going through at least a couple of pairs of set of teeth in a day, i cant walk, i'm mumbling, i'm thirsty as fuck, like i have cardboard in my mouth, my cheeks are dancing the congo (last time it was my hair) and i have hallucinations ...

I had quite a few awesome gifts this xmas. Happy pills were one of them. This is the best xmas EVER.

Thanks Tim!

  

Culinary Orgasm

As some may know already, i dont like Christmas. I used to enjoy it, not anymore. This year is no exception. So after thinking quite a fair bit about what i'll be doing on Christmas' eve, i've decided to spend it with my friend Tim, especially since he doesnt like Christmas either but also because his close family is on the other side of the country (compared to mine on the other side of the world).

Obviously, being my friend, i have a little something to wrap for him to give him for Christmas. Not that (as he said) we have to wait til it's Christmas to actually give gifts away but that's a good occasion anyway.

So i was a bit surprised when he said a few days ago: i got a little something for you and i'm gonna give it to you now. I'd like to say i convinced him not to, that we'd wait until Christmas but i'm not patient and he said he wouldnt be good anymore if we wait until the 25th.

Not good anymore? Mmm, i got curious. And when he headed to the fridge to get my present, i was even more puzzled.

What he put out of the fridge was the BEST PRESENT EVER: it was a selection of mini french pastries: éclairs au chocolat, tarte au citron, tarte aux fraises, tarte au kiwi, chou à la crème, you name it. It was so unexpected, so considerated, such a personal taylor made "present" i had an orgasm on the spot.

And when 2 days later, i had a full size lemon pie just for myself to enjoy, there went the second round ... So if you allow me, i'll go finish eating it right now ...

Something THIS good should be ILLEGAL ... Or at the very least, PUNISHED BY LAW ...

Indigestion, here i come!!

 

What's Going On?

The only thing i feel like writing like, right this second, is aaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh ... So once more, i'll be using someone else's words ... The only difference with me and that song is that i'm not 25 but 32 and that i dont pray, i just hope.



Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?

And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?


And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?


Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

This is how I’ve been feeling lately ... in a dead-end ... in every single aspects of my life. Professionally, emotionally, personally. Nothing seems challenging any more. And worse of it all, nothing seems appealing anymore. It feels like I’m dead inside, it feels like I can’t feel love or joy anymore. Everything bores me. Big time.

I’m not where I want to be in life. Even though I don’t really know where I want to be. Is it what I want really or is it what she wants for me? Do I want what she wants for me? Do I want to be the person she wants me to be? Do I want to be miserable the rest of my life trying to please her knowing that nothing seems to please her? Is that really what my happiness is all about? Detaching me from my mom and what she wants of me? Stop doing things thinking about what SHE will think about it? Making her understand that I will not take her emotional blackmail again? Making her understand that whatever she thinks of what I do, whether she likes it or not, whatever I’ve done and whatever I will do, whatever mistakes I make and decisions I take, whatever length or color my hair has, whatever language I speak, whatever country I live in, whoever I date, if I have or don’t have children, whatever breed my dog is, whatever job I have, there is one thing that will never ever change: I will ALWAYS be her one and only daughter.


Maybe it’s time you understand I will never be that perfect-in-every-way daughter you probably dreamed I’d be. Maybe it’s time you let me lead my life the way I want to. Maybe it’s time you accept the person I am. Maybe it’s time you let me go. Maybe it’s time you let me be happy.




Maybe it’s time. It’s time.


   

El Problema

Yep ... I guess THAT is the problem, that is EXACTLY the problem ...





El problema no fue hallarte, el problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es tu ausencia, el problema es que te espero.
El problema no es problema, el problema es que me duele.
El problema no es que mientas, el problema es que te creo.
El problema no es que juegues, el problema es que es conmigo.
Y si me gustaste por ser libre, quién soy yo para cambiarte.
Y si me quedé queriendo solo, cómo hacer para obligarte.
El problema no es quererte, es que tú no sientas lo mismo.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo,
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.
Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Y es que el problema no es cambiarte ...
El problema es que no quiero.

El problema no es que duela, el problema es que me gusta.
El problema no es el daño, el problema son las huellas.
El problema no es lo que haces, el problema es que lo olvido.
El problema no es que digas, el problema es lo que callas.


Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estás tan lejos.
Cómo encontrarle una pestaña a lo que nunca tuvo ojos.
Cómo encontrarle plataformas a lo que siempre fue un barranco.
Cómo encontrar en la alacena los besos que no me diste.

Y cómo deshacerme de ti si no te tengo.
Cómo alejarme de ti si estas tan lejos.
El problema no fue hallarte
El problema es olvidarte.
El problema no es que mientas,
El problema es que te creo.
El problema no es cambiarte,
El problema es que no quiero.
El problema no es quererte,
Es que tú no sientas lo mismo.
El problema no es que juegues,
El problema es que es conmigo.

 
 
 
   

X-mas From Hell

There are a lot of people who dont like christmas and i became one of them. My grand-father dying on christmas eve, my family living 10 thousand kilometers away from here, me being single and without kids surely helped pushing me in that direction. Christmas is a family reunion and mine is on the other side of the world. Christmas is also a religious gathering and i'm not religious. So needless to say that december is NOT my favorite month ...
The only think i do like about december is the christmas bonus i get from work ... haha.

I know it's not christmas yet. Still have just under 3 weeks to go. 19 days to be exact. 19 days full of christmas carols, christmas shopping, christmas decorations, christmas menus, christmas trees, christmas colors, christmas reindeer horns for the car, christmas fireworks, christmas candies, christmas sales, christmas parties and i already have a christmas indigestion.

Tonight is our christmas party. I said "our" cause i work for this company. I personally didnt organize it nor would want to have anything to do with it either. We received the invitation a few weeks ago. I can invite one guest. Mmm. There is only one person i'd invite to such a party it's my friend Ivonne and she's in Mexico City at her best friend's weddings for the week-end. So i would end up going alone. Going alone to a party i didnt want to go to in the first place, a party i have no idea who i'd sat with, a party where everybody around would talk about work, a party where we'd only have beer to drink (and not enough servings per person), a party where they serve the same menu year after year, a party held outside when i'm still not through a pneumonia, a party with people i dont want to be around, a party that's gonna finish at midnight, a party on a sunday to make sure that there is nowhere else to go in the aftermath, a party held just to shut people up (when we're not even legally paid double on bank holidays), a party to celebrate the company's 15th anniversary (treating employees like numbers), a party i'll have to smile through pretending i'm having a good time when i'm bored as hell ... well, with all due respect ... NO THANKS ... i'll pass.

The question WHY am i staying there if i'm THAT unhappy with it all could be material enough for another post and surely not our present topic.


So no, no coorporate christmas party for me tonight. And yes, i already know i'll get shit for it and no, i don't really care. You want to give me shit? Please do. Come on, bring it on! Show me what you got.
  

       

What The Hell What That All About ?

A man heard a faint knock on his front door, opened it, and saw a snail on his porch. "What the heck is this?" he said, and bent down, picked up the snail, examined it, and threw it across the street.
Two years later, the man heard another faint knock on the front door. He opened it, saw nothing, then looked down. The snail on the porch said, "Hey! What the hell was that all about?"

These 2 jokes never fail ... I can't possible hear them and NOT laugh. They're stupid, they're cheap but as I said, they have this immense power of cheering me up. I can’t possibly stay pissed off when I hear them. And YOU know it.

Why do I put them here today? Do I need cheering up? Yes. I do. Big time. I’m not depressed but I feel blue. And the person this post is dedicated to will know why.

You came clear. So did I. From the very beginning. As always. We’re so very much alike it became scary. We think the same, speak the same, act the same, laugh over the same shit and can spend hours talking about everything and nothing. We both knew friendship between a man and a woman is an illusion. I was hoping we were wrong, I was hoping that once again, we’d be different, that against all odds, it would work out that way. It didn’t.
You decided to back off, to protect yourself, to protect myself as well and since I have more respect for you than for anybody else in this world, I will respect your decision. Even if I don’t like it, even if it hurts, even if it pisses me off and I can’t stop complaining about it.

We haven’t talked in 3 days. It seems like a month. It FEELS like a month. You taught me patience, at least tried to and ever since you told me that joke this is that snail story I think about whenever I feel anger and frustration coming. I’m not saying it’s working perfectly but hey, you also said “take things easy, stop rushing everything!” It’s my impatience kicking in again …

I could go on and on about you, about us, about that friendship of ours but it only reminds me how much I miss you. My phone number hasn’t changed. Call me one day.
















PS: and damn you for writing a post about it all first. I was going to go slow for a change and let it settle for a few days … See … the snail story is working sometimes ^-^

   

Dilemma?

I am not a HUGE football fan (i'm talking soccer here) but there is something i generally don't miss watching, it's the world cup. It's once every 4 years so it's not too addictive!
The advantage of working in a big company is that we have so many different nationalities that you find people to support each one of the 32 teams involved.

My craziness about soccer came in 1998. France was host country for the Mondial, i was then working as a waitress in a bar on the beach, with 5 TV screens tuned on 5 different channels just to make sure every single game could be watched. I am not too sure how many games are played in a Soccer World Cup but i can tell you, in 1998, i saw them all. 
And France won ... 3-0 against Brazil. What were the odds? I could write an entire post on it but it's not really the topic here !!

2002, Korea ... needless to remind me how shameful France did. I just got to Mexico and i feverishly denied having anything to do with those people who, who knows how, managed not to score ONE SINGLE goal. Only 4 years after wining the cup. Anywaysssssss ...

2006, Germany ... i was 4 years in Mexico and i honestly have NO IDEA how France did, have no interest in knowing either. I was supporting Mexico with all my heart (having a Mexican boyfriend at that time surely influenced me but i was so ashamed and disappointed by my national team that it wasnt too hard to convince me!!)

So now. Here we go. 2010, South Africa.

And France, ONCE AGAIN, is creating yet another controversy: did they or didnt they cheat to get qualified? Was is a hand, was it not? I dont really know, i didnt watch the game. But all my crazy soccer fan friends had something to say about it, on their facebook, on their messenger, even the best newspapers in France talked about it: some victories taste like defeats.

ONCE AGAIN, it was a selection without glory, a selection that was pending until the very last game (in which they cheated scoring with a hand) ... way to go.

Being in Mexico for almost 8 years now, it's always been a fact that i would support the Mexican team. At least i know who's playing in it! jaja. I dont know, i guess you tend to support the team of the country you feel at home with. And honestly, i'm not too sure i'm willing on taking all the teasing about France not qualifying the fair way.

So today, i was browsing the net, checking the news, and i realized that the groups were made for the Mondial. I found it through an article that was entitled: FRANCE WELL OFF.

Oh french people and their arrogance. I hated it already. So i clicked on the link, to check who France had "inherited" in its group to get rewarded with such a title. I almost fell off my chair:

France is in group A with host country South Africa, Uruguay and .... Mexico O_o

So there will be a match France vs Mexico. What am i supposed to do? Who am i supposed to stand for?

I am still holding a french passport ... and for convenience, it will most probably stays that way ... But my heart is Mexican ... all the way.

Yo le voy a Mexico ... a huevo ... Que Viva Mexico Cabrones!!

  

  

Don't Think Of Me

So you're with her
Not with me
I hope she's sweet
And so pretty
I hear she cooks delightfully
A little angel beside you

So you're with her
Not with me
Oh how lucky
One man can be
I hear your house is smart and clean
Oh how lovely with your homecoming queen
Oh how lovely it must be

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me

So you're with her
Not with me
I know she spreads sweet honey
In fact your best friend I heard he spent
Last night with her
Now how do you feel, how do you feel?

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me

Does it bother you now all the mess I made
Does it bother you now, the clothes you told me not to wear
Does it bother you now all the angry games we played
Does it bother you now when im not the-re

When you see her sweet smile baby
Don't think of me
And when she lays in your warm arms
Don't think of me
And it's too late
And it's too bad
Don't think of me
And it's too late

It's not you thinking of me ... it's me thinking of you ...







Waaahoooo, i'm getting sentimental.

  

  

Anger Management

I have anger issues. Well, I call them that. My mom says it's intolerance, my friend say it's impatience, another friend says it's poor self-control. Whatever it is, whatever you call it, it ends up feeling the same: hugely resentful. If i were an animal, i'd end up in killing mode. Anger is so bad it can kill. Hell yeah! And if you look closer at it, even the word "anger" is only ONE letter away from DANGER.

My worse problem is that i have travelled so far into my own anger that it became fury, it became rage, it became hate. I have reached that amount of rage twice in my life, not even 6 months apart, both for the same motive, both for being beaten the crap out of. When that happened to me, it didnt matter that i was weaker and smaller than those 2 guys. One of my buttons had been pushed and fear was not part of my vocabulary any more. If i had had a gun that day, i would have shot it. With not even having second thoughts. And that's scary when you realize that in the aftermath.

It's scary to acknowledge what your inner self is capable of. Scary to realize you could actually take someone's life in a heart beat, just because you couldnt control yourself. It's also impressive how anger affects your body: your heart rate increases, so does your blood pressure, so does your adrenaline level, you can't talk anymore, you're blinded by your own rage, you're shaking like a leaf in the winter wind, you're in survival mode and could eat someone alive. Danger and fear don't mean anything anymore - your entire body and mind are now ruled by an EMOTION. Talking about losing control.

I have had anger issues for as long as i can remember. It goes from the simple: "oh, i'm pissed off" to "seriously, i will punch you in the fucking face and beat the crap out of you if you're still standing" and would even reach the "i will kill you" if i wasnt doing my best to control myself.
Knowing that i have never actually shot someone is not that i am being successful in controlling myself, it's only due to the fact that i am clever enough not to get myself a gun. Otherwise, i probably wouldnt be able to write those lines and most likely be behind bars. Even though, as my friend told me, shooting at someone who is beating the crap out of you would probably be ruled out "self defence".

Maybe i should look for a sport or an activity that helps me channel all that rage. Something that leaves me drained out at the end of each session, something that leaves me with no energy to fight anymore. I heard that all martial arts and fighting sports also teach you self-control. That, i think, would be the toughest for me. Turning my anger into action. Into controlled supervised action. But again, is teaching and showing an angry person like me techniques and tips to hit harder and more precisely really a good idea? I'm already the kinda person who's gonna hit first and then ask questions. Or ACT first and then think.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "for every minutes you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness". TRUST ME, you dont feel it this way. I know it's true but when you feel that surge of anger filling you up, it's like a boiling pan ... It is not gonna stop unless you take it out of the fire. My problem being: HOW do you take ME away from the fire? How do you cool me down? How do you kill my rage when it's still in growing state and before it reaches insane heights? What is that i can do to stop it? And if i find out what, how can i do it? Can i do it? On my own? Or should i be locked away until i calm down, just like you do with kids throwing a fit? I'm open to suggestions, even if i know exactly what most of you will say and that what you will say will piss me off ... i dont like to hear how a failure i am in such a situation.



I like you though ... i'll kill you last.








" Anyone can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — this is not easy"
Aristotle


     

Pneumonia and Me

For the past week or so, i've been coughing and coughing and coughing some more. Convinced it was yet another asthma attack of mine, i used my inhalor as well as some of the meds my GP gave me last time.
Except that it wasnt asthma. I really thought my inhalor was the shit, that everytime i was experiencing this drowning feeling upon breathing, it'd be my savior. Well apparently not.
So since the coughing got worse, i asked for an appointment with my doctor.

It's funny the way doctors ask you: "how are you today" when you enter their practice. I'm awesome doc, i just came by to say hi. So i always answer the same stupid answer: "well, not that good otherwise i wouldnt be here, now, would i?"
He knows me so well he actually answered his questions at the same time i did! He knows that i really have to be/feel pretty bad to get a medical appointment since i really hate going to the doctor. I really have to be dying to resign myself to go.

The weirdest part for me during that consultation was to describe my symptoms. Cuz that very morning, i had experienced the freakiest feeling ever. I was high. High like when you're floating right outside your body. Ok, i know it sounds weird but try to explain THAT to a doctor and then imagine how insanely shameful you feel and the look on your doc's face. He must have thought: well if she's not sick in the head she's probably high on drugs. Well no i wasnt. But the feeling sure was there.

So after i told him all about my trip, as well as my body feeling like i've been run over by a truck and my chest so painful with the incessant coughing, he said right away: this is not dengue. Few.

What is it then?

He calmy said: it's pneumonia.

What? Mmm what? Whaaaaaaat? O_o
Am i gonna DIE? I mean fuuuuuck, pneumonia. It's not like a little cough, it's not a little flu. It's fucking pneumonia. People die of it. It's even the leading cause of death in the elderly and children under 5 years old in the world. THE LEADING CAUSE. What am i supposed to do? I dont want to die. Not of pneumonia anyway. I'd rather chose something a tad less painful. I mean have you ever been so tired you can't cough anymore, your chest feels like you're laying under a 15 tons truck, your body hurts like that very same truck hit you and passed over you a hundred times, you're coughing so hard that make you puke. I mean it's not a pleasant walk in the park.

He said i was gonna be ok, that antibiotics will cure me, either in 2 days (which would mean the infection was not too bad) or in 4-5 days (which would mean: Maty get your ass back to the practice, you're infection is pretty serious, we may need to give you stronger meds).

So i went to the pharmacy to buy my meds and right afterwards, went to visit my friend Tim with whom i was gonna have lunch. As soon as i got to his office, i took my meds and sat down to wait til he was finished. And then, all of the sudden, out of nowhere, it hit me. But i mean big time. I was hiiiiiiiiigh. Like went you've taken 3 pills of extasy but without the feeling of happiness (and without my hair dancing on my head either). I couldnt stand, i was hallucinating, i couldnt walk without assistance cuz i was too drowsy and had no balance left whatsoever.

And the first thing i thought was ... HOW am i supposed to drive back home? Like Tim was gonna let me drive in such a state. So i went to his place, slept the entire afternoon (hugging his 60 pounds boxer Ali), coughed like i wanted to spit my lungs out, having more hallucinations than ever, got myself a pounding headache and thought: fuck, dying hurts.

Well thing was, those meds are so strong you're not supposed to take them on an empty stomach ... Side effects stated are dizziness (got it), headache (got it), difficulty sleeping or bad dreams (got it), pins and needles (got it), confusion (got it), disturbance of the gut such as diarrhea, vomiting (got it), indigestion, abdominal pain (got it) and a couple of other stuff that i didnt have the honors of getting. They should just say: you're high like on E without the happy feeling. That should cover most. Haha.

It's funny though how people react to your diagnosed disease: I'm sick. Oh really what do you have? I have the flu. Oh ok, hope you'll get better soon. Now second scenario: I'm sick. Oh really what to you have? I have pneumonia. What? Whaaaaaaat? Are you OK? You need something? Please let me know if you need something. Can i do something for you?
That makes the feelin you're dying even worse.

Pneumonia is a bad ass name for a bad ass illness with a bad ass legit reputation. I'm a healthy 32 years old woman who's gonna make it. Eventually. In the meanwhile, if you allow me, i'll go take my prescription Es ... and enjoy the ride ...

  

Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)

Quite a while back, Tim, a very good friend of mine, sent me a beautiful video ... At that time, i wasn’t writing in a blog, nor paying much attention to anything else but myself. Today, another very good friend of mine, Nahomi, sent me the exact same video. Funnily enough, i knew i had seen it before, and since i really thought it was a beautiful one, i forward it to Tim, with whom i was chatting at that very same moment. He said in hurtful tones that HE was the one who had sent it to me in the first place.


I really think things happen for a reason, that friends do come and go, that the ones you met too early are meant to re-appear in your life eventually, and generally, exactly at the right time. This is exactly what happened to him and me.

And this post, is to celebrate and pay tribute to our re-newed / re-born friendship ... I know for sure now, this one is here to last.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkUbz_63uco

“ If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss .

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…”

By the way, the song in the video is Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good) – hence my title – by Rozalla.
And for the lyrics, it goes like this ...

Brother and sister
Together we'll make it through
Some day a spirit will lift you and take you there
I know you've been hurting but I've been there
Waiting to be there for you
And I'll be there just helping you out
Whenever I can


'Cause
Everybody's free to feel good x 2


We are a family that should stand together as one
Helping each other instead of just wasting time
Now is the moment to reach out to someone
It's all up to you
When everyone's sharing their hope
Then love will win through

Blogger's Block

It's been over a week now and i still haven't written anything. Believe it or not, it actually makes me feel bad ... I can't imagine what it would be like to be a renowned writer and have a deadline: you need this book to be finished and ready for publishing in 37 days. Holy crap, talk about sleepless nights. Well i haven't been writing lately because of work. I worked 42 hours in 4 days this week and 63 hours in 6 days last week. Which means that i have worked in 10 days more than a 3 weeks worth of work. Fair? Not really. Needless to say i didn't have much time to blog. And even if i had found the time to, i was too exhausted to do so.

So on Thursday evening, it was my last day of work before a 3 days week-end. And guess what? I slept 27 hours in 2 days. Not even in 2 full days. Only within a 36 hours frame. I slept 27 hours out of 36. Not bad. Jaja.

A friend of mine told me: but it's not normal Mathilde, you need to go see your doctor, you must be sick or something. Really? You think so? Try to work 105 hours in 10 days with only 1 day off after the first 6 worked days (day off that i spent sleeping since i went out on Saturday night and only came back home at 7am on Sunday morning!) and you'll see how it feels.

It's not sickness, it's strain.

And guess what? Today it's Sunday, I'm off again and, I've already slept 10 hours and I'm about to go take a nap ...

Oooooh, i love it already.

Corporate Petiness and Trick or Treat

I have had a long week - a long tiring one. I didn't want to go to work this morning, i already worked 57 hours this week. I mean it's enough no?

Well today, in the office, i was so very much bored thus playing cards on the computer. When my boss called me and told me that some guy from work had reported me to big boss and to him. For playing cards on the computer.

Seriously.

I have been working for this company for nearly 7 years, i arrive on time at work, i do my shit, i am even gonna say that I'm the best at what i do, i don't take an hour lunch break, always less, i leave on time or late or when i know for sure i don't leave any pending behind and you're coming to me with that bullshit? How old are you? 10?

And then people wonder why don't i ever join them at parties organized by people from work? JA!

As i said, i have been working for this company for nearly 7 years and i have never EVER participated or joined a party from work - Christmas party being the only exception and we haven't had it in 2 years! This is not gonna change any time soon. What? It's Halloween? And? Why do i care about Halloween? Halloween is an American party and concept and I'm french. I don't like to dress up either.

I'm pissed off. Big time. Thank god i do have plans for tonight ... I'm gonna treat myself good and explore my darkest side ...

Trick or treat? I'll take both ...

It's the night of the witches ... well watch out, here i come!