Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Is It What Depression Feels Like?
This is going to be quite something to talk about. Not too sure i can either but one day, my mom, who is a shrink and who has been through therapy for a long time, told me:
"you'll talk about it when the pain becomes unbearable".
It has become unbearable.
I am not a depressive kinda girl. Nor suicidal. At all. Never was, and probably never will be. I wrote a post some time back about me feeling in the gut. I was in a dead end back then and i still feel that way now. A lot of things have changed in that laps of time though. And the biggest change in my life has been me moving house. That was something that was important to me. I did it, i went all the way through with that project (even if i was about to give up a million times in the process) and that is something i'm proud of.
It's been just over 2 weeks that i live here now and as you already know if you read that blog, i feel very much in peace here in my new place. But crawling from the swamps, my old demons are coming back. And standing in front of all that's left to be done in my dreamed new house, i felt like an ice cream in the Mexican sun.
I've been tired. Exhausted even. Every spare moment i have, i sleep. And i feel guilty as hell doing so. I actually alternate insomnia and exhaustion. I alternate gluttony and starvation. I alternate happiness and deep sadness. I alternate feeling beautiful and feeling like an old ugly fat cow. I have those amazing mood swings and i'm not even on my periods. It's been an emotional roller-coaster and i dont like it anymore. I cant take it anymore.
Today, i decided to ring the alarm. And i told 2 of my closest girl friends the exact same sentence: i feel depressed.
Before i write here what both of them said, this is a simple graph of what depression is all about:
Well, my first friend said: i dont think it's depression, i think it's stress. (depression is always generated by stress so if it's not depression yet, guess i'm still heading that way!!)You've been moving house after months of going back and forth with the negociations and the notary and the bank, the season is just ending for you, you car broke down on top of it all and your body is reacting by making you tired. Try to sleep as much as you can, don't feel guilty about it, eat a lot of fruits, drink a lot of water and take it easy. After all, you have plenty of time on your hands to fix your house. It doesnt have to be all done NOW.
Those words were echoed by my friend Tim who has this gift to remind me how bloody impatient and desperate i always am ...
What came as a shocker was the reaction of my other friend. She said something that was like that: Maty, you have a new house, you have health, nobody who depends on you, no debts you cant pay, a job you love, stop whining.
That made me feel even worse. She was reacting exactly as most of people are reacting when i say i'm blue, or sad, or depressed. They just dont take me seriously. They stubbornly see the powerful strong woman they all think i am and cant accept the fact that i'm just a human being who sometimes, is just the weakest little insecure girl in the world.
I am probably the worst patient there is. I always wait until the very last minute or until i'm actually dying to go to the doctor, so when i ask for help, it's only when i really REALLY can't do it on my own anymore. And she tells me that? Seriously?
Yes, i do have all she said i have. But i still feel like shit. Material posessions are nothing to one's happiness. I feel lonely, i feel stuck in my life, i feel depressed, i feel like i can die alone in my house like a street dog and noobody will find out until my body is already rotten, i dont want to laugh anymore, i dont want to smile anymore, nothing interests me, everything bores me or even worse, depresses me, i have no energy, i feel guilty as hell for not doing shit all day, i dont even want to bitch about anything or anybody anymore, i dont want to see people, i dont want to go to work, i dont want to clean my house, or shower, or get out of my PJ, i dont want to eat, i cant even cry ...
I just want to lay on my bed and wait for it all to go away.